Welcome
to the Friendzone Hall of Fame where we honor a special breed of men; the
underdogs.
These guys come from a variety of different backgrounds but
all share the same trait in that they’re ready to ride or die in the pursuit of
love from that one special lady but will probably never be more than a hug and
shoulder to cry on over the one she’s really into.
Maybe it’s not their time, maybe they’re out of their
league, maybe they have no game, or maybe they’re just insane, they can't win.
Don’t fret
gentleman because today, you are more than just a friend…you’re a legend.
Join me in welcoming the inaugural class and please hold all
applause until the end of the ceremony even though no one ever does.
BANE! (THE DARK KNIGHT
RISES)
Bane looks like a boss but he’s really
just a lovesick puppy doing the bidding of Talia al Ghul; a woman that he
helped escape prison resulting in the oxygen mask he’s permanently stuck
wearing. Also the same girl that
he loves so much, her father expelled him from the League of Shadows, which I
imagine is like a Fantasy League for genocidal maniacs.
Just saying Banesy, YOU COULD HAVE ANY OTHER GIRL YOU
WANT! You're frighteningly
intelligent (emphasis on the frightening part), a pretty big baller in
Gotham City thanks to that nuclear bomb on wheels you’ve got running around
town and you’re in fantastic shape! My man doesn’t have ANY cheat days in his diet!
CYPHER! (THE MATRIX)
All
Cypher wanted to do was take Trinity on a nice date in the Matrix. You know…shoot an agent or two, dodge
some bullets, maybe a glass of wine and a steak, that isn’t really a steak, but
your mind tells you it is anyway.
Then that motherfucker Neo just had to show-up…then Morpheus had
to be a cock-block and put the idea in her head that he’s “The One” and all that
shit…
Do you really blame him for shouting Agent Smith a holler
and making a deal to betray the group?
PHIL “DUCKIE” DALE (PRETTY
IN PINK)
Duckie is the ORIGINAL Friendzoner
and certainly knows how to make an entrance…
He doesn’t get THE girl in the end, but he does a get a
pretty decent one.
Plus now he’s making bank on that show with Charlie Sheen, Ashton Kutcher, and the kid who kind of looked like Jay Cutler when he was
younger.
RICKY LIPMAN! (NOT ANOTHER
TEEN MOVIE)
He’s clearly just a spoof of Ducky,
but Ricky does serve as a cautionary tale of what the friendzone could
potentially turn a dude into…
JORAH MORMONT! (GAME OF
THRONES)
You’d think putting your life on
the line and stopping assassination attempts would score you a few points
but…nope! I thought Knights were supposed to be pimps?
That said it’s not easy for ANY man to gain the affection of
a woman who owns three fucking Dragons…that’s literally a different breed of
competition right there.
SAMUEL “SCREECH” POWERS!
(SAVED BY THE BELL)
Lisa
Turtle’s fashion loving ass can get bent; never letting my guy Screech have the time of day. I wanted to backhand that
broad after the episode where she kisses Zack and Screech found out. You could literally hear his heart
ripping into two. She wasn’t
that bad anyway!!!! Okay, maybe I’m
lying on that one!
SETH! (SUPERBAD!)
It’s
a hilarious movie but do you realize the plot is really all about a guy trying
to get some booze just so his dream girl will like him?! Then you don’t even really know if he
got her or not at the end?!
MILHOUSE VAN HOUTEN! (THE
SIMPSONS)
“EVERYTHING
IS COMING UP MILHOUSE!”
Only it’s not…Milhouse loves Lisa but is so damn sorry. His induction today is pretty much the
highlight of his life.
STEVEN URKEL! (FAMILY
MATTERS)
FINALLY!
An inductee who can be respected! I’ve
said it before; Urkel put in eight seasons worth of effort and even made a
sophisticated clone of himself in his attempts to snag Laura Winslow. In the end, she ended up loving him for
him during season nine.
Hard Work Pays off!
Congrats to you Steven and all other inductees. Enjoy the replica trophies of your balls in a
glass case that have already been mailed to your homes!
Everyone else, have a safe drive home!
-WST
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