It’s been a minute since a motherfucker went ahead, fell for someone and took a hiatus and shit.
Relationships need time to develop and mine are no different…here’s an exchange we had following a night out last weekend...
ME: Pass me that container so I can toss it.
HER: Come grab it.
ME: Seriously?
HER: Yeah.
:::Walks over to other side of bed, picks up container, lid not closed properly, red adobo sauce flys everywhere:::
ME: FAHHHHHKKKK!!!
HER: Whoops…well that’s what you get for letting me get drunk.
FACTS. MY TYPE OF GAL! ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️
Anyway, it’s Super Bowl week and as much I thought about not writing anything, I can’t help myself cause I’m an internet asshole.
First of all, I want to make it clear that as much as there is to like about the Carolina Panthers, I’m only rooting for them because of Cam Newton.
Not because on the “blackness scale” of past NFL African-American QBs, he falls somewhere between a pack of Newports and Stab Master Arson from CB4...
Not because if he weren’t tossing dimes, he’d most likely be a up-and-coming young exec somewhere (probably Atlanta, most likely Atlanta, dammit, you know it’s Atlanta) who runs cross-fit sessions on the weekend for fun.
I’m rooting for Cam Newton because in the history of the game, I don’t think one man has ever been universally despised for not being “humble” on the field.
This motherfucker dances after he scores and smiles…like that's his thing.
I mean the guy even smiles after near-fatal car accidents...
He’s not grabbing his dick, or spitting in someone’s face or leaning on the goalpost and lighting up a blunt...which we all only wish could be the next celebration fad.
He dances…and yet, oh my lord...it BURNS people…opposing fans, racists, old people.
Like really bothers them.
It burns other fans so much, some chick in Seattle actually made a petition trying to get the man banned from their stadium.
How salty do you gotta be to be a SEAHAWKS fan…ya know…Beast Mode…Richard Sherman…and have the nerve to draft that shit.
As for old heads not liking Cam because he “showboats,” we get it, the culture was different back in your day.
Back in your day, football players were classy gents who scored...placed the ball in the end zone...shook each others hands…and went home to the wife and kids for a nice home-cooked meal.
And left immediately afterwards to get jacked up on booze and painkillers before hitting up brothels.
Adapt or die.
And as for racists, I mean they’re pieces of shit so no more needs to be said.
People want stars to be humble because it gives them a sense of belonging, I say let these dudes be assholes, it’s a lovely sight.
In a perfect world, Under Armour has a commercial with Ric Flair talking shit to Cam and Stephen Curry’s haters on their behalf.
Which brings me to a new addition to WST...
Wrestling Promo Beak
That's what happens when you interrupt Flair on the mic bitch!
Anyway, on the opposite side of Cam, you got big-forhead havin, OMAHA! callin, papa-john’s slangin, old, dusty-ass Peyton Manning…THE SHERIFF!
So I keep thinking…a lot of folks have left this dude for dead but what if Peyton has just been playing possum on us the whole year?
What if this diabolical son of a bitch has just been chillin on the low…
Letting Denver’s defense do heavy lifting?
And Brock Osweiler get a little shine?
What if Peyton Manning was WAITING for this moment?
To step under center Sunday...whisper “gotcha bitch” to himself…
And MARCH Denver’s offense 80 yards down the field in the first two minutes and go on to put up 38 on the same Panthers D that dicked Seattle and Arizona?
Then afterwards, Him and Elway just saunter up to the podium in the post-game press conference, soaked in champagne stunting...
“See, before this season, John and I got together and WE formed a plan."
"WE implemented that plan!"
WE stuck to the plan and thank all YOU chumps for falling for it! We out!”
Yeah I know...homeboy is washed and I’m full of shit, it would never happen.
But it could…
Other Musings
-Last Sunday, Calvin Johnson surprisingly retired after nine seasons because when you’ve earned well over $100 million by 30, fuck risking your body. Here’s 10 other people, places and things I attribute to his decision:
*Continued function of his brain
*Kid Rock
*Little Caesar’s
*That awful Robocop reboot
*Matthew Stafford
*4-12 seasons
*Detroit in the winter
*Detroit in the fall
*Detroit in the spring
*Detroit in the summer
-My girl has watched more football in the last five months then she has in her entire life. On the flip side, I’ve spent just as much time in places like Starbucks, Target and L.A. Tan.
-Golden State and OKC throw down on Super Bowl eve Saturday night…my thoughts?
-In my latest scheme not to be fat anymore, I started a juice cleanse 10 days ago and I’m happy to report I’m still alive, not crazy, 20 pounds lighter and no 24-hour burrito joints were harmed in the process.
-If the streets could hurry up and have that Deadpool bootleg ready for eye consumption Friday, it’d be much appreciated.
-With every Super Bowl comes a cornucopia of awful fan-made hype videos on YouTube. These people take this year’s title…
What. The. Fuck? This is why two seasons from now, we'll ALL hate the Panthers and their fans.
Unprovoked Action Movie Quote
"Now you only have one hand with which to wipe your ass with, do you want to keep the other one?” (Showdown in Little Tokyo)
Be good this weekend and enjoy the game!
-WST
