WEDNESDAY RANT: STANDING DURING A WEDDING SUCKS!

So my college buddy Rog came into town on business yesterday and met up with me as well as my guy U for dinner and a little Blachawks watchage (they keep on rolling!)

We talked about a lot of the usual guy stuff mixed in with some stories from the good ol days.

However, we also came to a conclusion on a certain topic and I have a message to all our dudes out there…

I’ll be honored any time you ask me to stand in your wedding, JUST DON’T MAKE ME STAND THROUGH THE WHOLE CEREMONY!!!

Holy shit is standing in a wedding uncomfortable!

You’re wearing an undershirt, a dress shirt, a vest, a tie and usually, a dark jacket, not to mention cuff links, a watch, and a pair of shoes from the tuxedo shop that you haven’t broken in yet.

The only comfortable part?  The dress pants.  Dress pants are soooooo comfortable!  They’re like snazzy formal pajama pants!  I love putting my legs into them every day!

Then there’s the hair product that you KNOW is going to mix with sweat and go into your eye. 

GOD THAT PRODUCT-SWEAT IS LIKE ACID WHEN IT GETS IN YOUR EYE!  THERE’S NO COMING BACK FROM THAT!

That sweat is coming because you know I was drinking the night before along with all the other groomsmen.

As well as the Groom's dad.

As well as the Bride’s dad.

A few Uncles mixed in.

Probably the Groom too, but he can’t admit that.

We’re also probably drinking before the wedding…

All that adds up to an hour, hour and a half (if the couple is Catholic), of torture on your whole body. 

You’re sweating, you’re uncomfortable, and now you’re getting annoyed of standing in place. 

It’s a triple threat!

Don’t get me wrong; standing is an essential part of life.  You’re going to have to stand sometimes and I dig that, but standing in place for over an hour is murder!

You can’t even stand comfortably!  You can’t put your hands in your pockets!

You have to have your arms crossed in front of you.  My elbows get stiff!!

You can’t stand with a gangster or relaxed lean when standing at weddings!

Your legs either have to be completely together or shoulder length apart!

You don’t even get a REAL floor to stand on.  You get a step!! I have size 14 shoes! One awkward slip, and that’s the end of the WST!

Me falling will take the attention from you, to me, and I don’t want that!

Now I wouldn’t do this rant without offering a solution!

Reserve the first row and let us sit.  We’re still right there and with you a 100%.  Your folks and your bride’s folks can still sit there, there’s enough room for everyone!

Let your best man and the maid of honor stand because those fucks are usually next to get married anyway.

They need the practice standing, not me.

Boom.

-WST