WEDNESDAY RANT: THE RULES AND REGULATIONS OF EATING ANOTHER MAN'S FOOD!

So at about six on Sunday morning, I was laying in bed wide awake.

On top of that, I’m STARVING.

Think of my body as a hotel and everything I ate and drank celebrating St. Patrick’s the day before are guests.  Let’s just say the guests had a little issue with the management and decided to check out early…

So as I said, my stomach is empty and I’m in a position no man wants to be in; I want something to ease my semi-hangover, but at the moment, I’m still feeling lazy enough to the point where I don’t want to have to actually leave to go get it.

That’s right, I want instant gratification and I want it NOW!

Heard the door open, got up to find my roommate and his friend, Eric, walking IN from the night. 

Seems he had been knocked out before me, but managed to wake up around Midnight and hit a couple clubs.

That’s not important though, what’s important is Eric is carrying a plain, brown, grease stained Heaven send.

YES!!!! I KNOW THEY BROUGHT SOME GOOD SHIT!!!! 

Inside the bag were two double-bacon cheeseburgers from Five Faces, one of the many infamous late-night burger/hot dog/gyro spots that cater to the intoxicated on the weekend.

Eric plops down on the couch with his burger while roommate sets his on the wine rack/table (we keep it classy) and as we being to shoot the shit about the night.

However, a plot is forming in my head:

He falls asleep; I eat the burger, toss him five bucks or pay for his lunch later this afternoon.  Everyone Wins!

The roommate ends up lasting longer than expected, and after the convo wraps, he takes the burger and throws it in the fridge before hitting his room.

DAMN IT!

By putting it in the fridge, he has announced that he fully intends to eat it at some point later.  Man Law dictates that you cannot consume another man’s food from the fridge without permission. 

Drinks? Cool.  If a dude hangs at another dude’s place four times or more, it’s totally acceptable to dip into his fridge for a drink or pantry for some chips without really asking. 

For the record, that rule only applies if the guy is single.  He has a wife or a girlfriend living with him, ALWAYS ask. Trust me.

As for single or limited amount food; you might as well not waste your time.  The fridge is the safe house.

 Had he left it out to the unpredictable wild of the living room, it’s fair prey.  Lot of things can happen to a burger just sitting in the living room…

There’s no church in the wild.

But…he didn’t, so shit; I’m right back to where I started.

I turned my head to look at Eric.  Damn! I FORGOT all about Eric…

Seems he’s passed out right on the couch.  That’s cool.

Not like we’d ever charge a friend to pass out at the place…

 However, that perfectly still-wrapped burger on the coffee table in front of him would make quite a thank you gesture.

"Eric?" Strike one.

“You awake Eric?” Strike two.

“Yo Eric?” STRIKE THREE!!!

Time to get acclimated with his shit.

-WST