RANKING MINUSCULE INJURIES

Somewhere between glass number one of Ginger Ale and a commercial during The Walking Dead, My dangerously random mind got to thinking….

If I had to rank minuscule injuries, you know, not major ones, just the little things that annoy the shit out of you, how would it pan out.

So I present you with the WST minuscule injury ranking or M.I.R. (sounds dope right?):

5. Paper Cut

 The entire concept of the paper cut blows.

They usually occur during school or work, so that sucks.  It occurs in those places BECAUSE…. THAT’S THE PLACE WHERE YOU’RE MOST LIKELY TO HANDLE PAPER! YAY! GOOD JOB GUYS!

If you happen to work for a paper factory of some kind, may lord have mercy on your hands, you poor bastard.

Fact is you can never actually pinpoint that moment in the day where you got the damn thing and it WILL piss you off.

  You're just in the bathroom washing your hands and all of a sudden, you feel that little sting on the tip of your finger because the soap seeped in.

SHIT! It’s painfully annoying to type those reports when that happens.

Now you get one on the web of your hand…you’re so DICKED.  Just call it a day and tell your professor or boss you’re not feeling well.

The worst part is that really doesn't hurt unitl you make eye contact with it, then that sting goes up a few notches and you feel like you cut the tip of your finger off. 

4. Hangnails

I bounced back and forth between the burbs and the city Saturday night, and thanks to the weather coupled with losing track of my leather “OJ” gloves, I woke up with a hangnail.

Grabbed the nail clipper to cut that bad boy off and almost mangled my fingernail doing it. 

So fucking irritating.

3. Stepping on Toys

What seven year-old little dude didn’t love it when mom or dad came home with one of those Army Men 50 piece sets? 

SOLDIERS! TANKS! CHOPPERS! JETS! WARFARE IS FUN!!!!

Then do you remember how the rents would always yell at you for not picking them up when you were done and you wondered why?

Well the first time you hop out of bed and impale the bottom of your foot on one these miniature plastic heroes, you understand…

BECAUSE THAT SHIT REALLY HURTS!

It’s even worse if you step on the Tanks or Choppers!

Soldiers are one thing, but now you’re crippling the air/ground support of the TAN army AND flushing their taxpayer’s dollars down the drain!

Now you feel like a dick…I know I did.

Then again, the tan soldiers can get bent.  I'M A GREEN ARMY MAN SUPPORTER!

 I won’t even go into stepping on LEGOS...

LEGOS are rainbow colored instruments of torture.

I guarantee you in the dark interrogation rooms of a third-world prison, SOMEONE is being left in a room full of LEGOS blindfolded and barefoot as a cruel, sick, form of punishment.

2.  Banging You Knee or Shin/Stubbing Your Toe

It’s the most agonizing and painful minuscule injury for sure...

AHHHHHHHHH SEEEEE!!!! Is the only thing that comes out of your mouth followed by many, many expletives afterward.

Then you go apeshit and wanna take a match and a can of lighter fluid to the the dresser or table leg responsible.

Unfortunately, unlike you, those objects feel no pain…but they’re still bitches though.

1. Waking with A Numb Limb

            In my world, sleeping on your arm and waking up with no feeling in it is good for the number three spot on the list of awful things that could happen to you when getting up.

It’s right behind finding yourself in a motel bathtub with a kidney missing, and waking up next to a dead person who was not dead last night, leaving you as the prime suspect, and now you now have to become a fugitive in order to catch the reall killer and clear your good name.

Not that’d I’d know about either of those things…

It’s number one on THIS list because it’s a truly terrifying psychological experience on the minuscule injury scale.  Here’s how the order of my thoughts go 15 seconds after I wake up with my foot or arm asleep:

1.“OOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHH SHIT BRO!!!  CAN I MOVE THE REST OF MY BODY?!!!!”

2.“Okay I’m good, I can move the rest of my body, just not the arm or leg.  Am I just the latest victim of some sort of serial-limb breaker who gets off in hiding in people’s closets and maiming them as they’re in slumber?”

3.“Oh, my leg/arm is just asleep.”

-WST