You’re a ho.
I’m a ho.
Your girlfriend is ho.
Your boyfriend is a ho.
Mother? Aunt? Uncle? Dad? Hoes.
All your friends?
Hoes.
Before you think I’ve lost my mind, let me speak. We’re all hoes and our pimp is that
white “f” with the blue background that hangs around on our toolbars and we hit it three, four, five, sometimes 12 times a day.
Yes, Facebook is a pimp.
If there were a human pimp version of Facebook, He’d have a
velvet sky blue suit, white hat with a blue feather sticking out of it, white
shades and go by the name Face-Bookie.
Face-Bookie would drive a long-ass blue Cadillac with the
logo on the door and all. The
car’s horn would make that sound you hear when you get a chat message.
And guess what? We’d all be hoes in Face-Bookie’s stable.
Just like a pimp who recognizes a potential recruit, Face-Bookie finessed us into the game early in our lives when we were young and dumb (some still are), and now we’re
hooked.
We couldn’t leave it if we tried. Don’t get me wrong, every so often someone manages to do it
but for every successful, “I’m done with Facbook, later.” there’s two dozen
“Hey, I’m back!” and Face-Bookie is just nodding and smiling.
FB: “Hey baby, welcome
back, I knew you couldn’t quit me and I don’t know why you tried in the first
place! Weren’t you happy? Didn’t
Face-Bookie take care of you? Did
you see how many “Likes” that one status got you last month? Don’t you EVER try to leave Face-Bookie
again! You hear me! If ya do, I'll cut ya! Now go out and make Bookie
his money ho.”
So… on to my point, more or less, we’re all with Face-Bookie
for the long hall. I like you all,
I really do and I enjoy being “friends” with you on FB because first,
it’s a great tool for networking and keeping contacts. Secondly, it’s great to
see people you know and have memories with making it in the world.
That said, some of you out there in Face-Bookie’s stable
make it hard on a ho.
It’s not that I don’t like pictures of your kids. I’m happy for you and your spouse. I hope your kid grows up to be a
gentlemen or lady and contributes great things to society.
It’s just that I don’t need see to 80 damn pictures of them on
my news status before 9:30 in the morning.
You better hope I never meet your kid when they get grown,
because I’m going to embarrass the hell outta them like…
“Oh shit, you’re the little dude with the Tigger
costume! You like Trains
right? You’ve really come a long
way from that huh? Good to see you have some clothes! Your folks used to have you walking around all over FB in
just a pair of Pampers!”
It’s not that I’m being an asshole and hating on your
relationship. I wish you 100
years of success and love. I just
don’t need to know what your monkey asses had for dinner last night or any
other intimate detail either.
Here’s what a situation is like when you talk with your friends now.
Friend: Hey man, guess what?
Me: You popped the question.
Friend: What?! How’d you know? I just asked her 10 minutes
ago!
Me: Motherfucker, your girl had that shit up NINE minutes ago…
It’s not that I don’t care about your problems. But why the hell would I want to help
you or show sympathy when you put all your business out there just in a attempt
to fish for pity?
Lost my job. My back hurts. Girlfriend or boyfriend broke up with
me. I’m fat. I’m so lonely. Nobody cares about me. I HATE
EVERYONE!!!
You know, you COULD start taking the steps to fix that
situation or ask to talk to a real friend, relative, psychiatrist, shit, even
Dr. Phil rather than waiting for that chick who’s a friend of a friend that you
met at a jungle juice party to comment with a sad face.
It’s not necessarily you, it’s your Facebook page, and damn,
it kind of makes me want to delete your ass.
Wait; let’s not even get started on “unfriending” people on
FB. Why does THAT have to be an
announcement?
“Time to delete some of you randoms, if you’re still here by
tomorrow, it means I value you as a friend.”
The fuck outta here. If you announce that you’re going to unfriend some people on Facebook, I promise I’m going to piss in your drink next time I see you.
Seriously, I swear the only thing worse than some of you
people on Facebook is the people who complain about people on Facebook.
Oh wait….
SHIT!!!
-WST
:)
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