Sports kid’s movies are awesome cause you can learn quite a bit from them.
Like that a
rag-tag group of youths from different backgrounds can win a Championship in a
game that they didn’t really know how to play an hour and a half earlier...
Or that sometimes though miraculous occurrence, you too can
compete with grown, professionals while dropping knowledge about life
and teamwork as well.
Ok…so none of that shit really happens. Let’s just count the top fictional kid
athletes.
10. CALVIN CAMBRIDGE (LIKE
MIKE)
Two
things holding Calvin back; first, almost all of his skill can be attributed to
the “magic” pair of Michael Jordan’s sneakers that he wears during games. I find this hard to believe because in
reality, if MJ found out some orphan had hold of his kicks, he’d have them
seized and returned because Michael Jordan is an asshole. Second, Bow Wow plays Calvin and Bow
Wow is the worst.
9. MARTHA/MATTHEW (LADYBUGS)
Martha
was sick; she had serious footwork and could score at will. The only problem is
she’s a DUDE!!!! Just a kid-ringer
named Matthew brought in by coach Rodney Dangerfield to help his hapless Girl’s
Soccer team win. Which they do, so
I guess mission accomplished?
8. HAMILTON “HAM” PORTER (THE
SANDLOT)
“You…play…ball…like…a…girl!”
Dude…back in the 60’s, you say that, it’s put-up or shut-up time. Ham could back up his talk up though;
he was a tough-ass ginger who apparently became a Pro Wrestler in the movies
epilogue.
7. AMANDA WHURLITZER (BAD
NEWS BEARS)
12
year-old girls are normally about meeting boys, buying clothes, maybe heading
to a One Direction concert and screaming their little hearts out. Just don’t tell that to Amanda
Whurlitzer because she was blessed with an arm and doesn’t mind proving that
chicks can deal some heat too.
6. JUAN (THE BIG GREEN)
How
good was Juan? So good the Coach
of the arch-rival Knights dropped the dime on him and his mother to Immigration
in hopes that he’d split town and miss the league Championship Game. Unfortunately, according Juan’s birth
certificate, he was born here so suck on that Knights. BUENAS DIAS BITCHES.
5. SPIKE HAMMERSMITH (LITTLE
GIANTS)
I’ve
covered Spike and his antics in the past so I’ll just keep it short and state
that while he’s IS a mini-brick shithouse, he’s also rude, arrogant, and isn’t
the best team player. Little
asshole is ten, going on 29.
4. BECKY “ICE BOX” O’SHEA
(LITTLE GIANTS)
Hey,
she bitched Spike’s meathead ass. Imagine if she had played more than just half
that game at the end of the movie. What a monster. By the way, she’s all grown up now and
kind of hot. Just thought you may
want to know.
3. TEAM USA/THE DUCKS (D2:
THE MIGHTY DUCKS)
Let’s
be honest, there’s 4 or 5 players from this team that could have made
the list so why not include the entire roster? I choose the second movie because they had the most talented
players from the first film along with five of the best from across the
country. That shit was like a
youth Hockey Dream Team. Hey Iceland, blow us. U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A! WHOOOOOOOO NUMBER ONE!!!
2. HENRY ROWENGARTNER (ROOKIE OF THE YEAR)
I
can see some people now….”He won the Cubs a WORLD SERIES and he’s not number
one?!” That’s right, he’s
not. As awesome as Henry was,
he was just the product of a freak accident and before the movie ends, his gift
is gone. Don’t get me wrong,
Rowengartner accomplished quite a lot for a 12 year-old in 103 minutes,
however, he’s not a natural-athlete like…
1. BENJAMIN FRANKLIN “BENNY
THE JET” RODRIGUEZ (THE SANDLOT)
Benny
was making history in his own neighborhood when Henry’s dead-beat POPS was just
a zit-faced punk. I’d LOVE to see Thomas Ian Nicholas strap on a pair of PF Flyers and out-run the BEAST!
-WST
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