The 10 people to avoid at a Super Bowl Party!

We are six glorious days away from the culmination of effort, intensity and all that other good shit.  So where’s the party?!  The Super Bowl has gone from a bragging rights championship game between the AFL and the NFL to a worldwide phenomenon. 

Every February across the good ol’ USA, people invite friends, family and strangers into their homes to eat, drink and celebrate America’s real favorite pastime.  Which brings me to you, you’re just happy to celebrate the third straight year without all the headaches of hosting a SB party.  However, there are pitfalls and nefarious types ready to spoil what should have been an excellent goodbye party as the Sport of Kings goes on hiatus for seven months.

The WST presents you with the 10 people to avoid at a Super Bowl party. (These are all based on real experiences & people!)

10. WING MAN

DESCRIPTION: Not to be confused with a loyal, trustworthy Wingman, the only chicks this guy is interested in are small, fried, and coated with delicious buffalo sauce. 

Buffalo Wings are hard enough to come by at a Super Bowl party without Wing Man loading up his plate and sucking them down like there’s a wing shortage in the country.  Wait a minute, there seriously is? Well, then THIS MAN MUST BE STOPPED!

WHAT TO DO: It’s fitting that the road to the Super Bowl requires a total team effort because it’s going to take a coalition of the willing to end the Wing Man’s reign of terror. 

 Get with other partygoers and purchase wings ahead of time, make sure they are hidden in the host's oven and they don’t come out until the disappointed Wing Man shows and has completed his onslaught of the other food.

 Once the second quarter begins, whip the napkins and bleu cheese (never ranch, you sick, deranged, freaks) out and blitz them before he can recover.  He may get one or two, but he’ll already be too full to do the damage he could have.

9.RAMBLIN’ & GAMBLIN’

DESCRIPTION: You want some action? Prop bets, point spreads, online wagers, squares, or straight up? Pick your poison. Ramblin’ & Gamblin’ is here for one reason, make money and he’s looking at your wallet the same way Wing Man was looking at that chicken.

 Any kind of interaction with this jagoff results in an encounter by the food spread in which he posts to face you with his back to the counter and gives you an uncomfortable nudge before subtly asking  “you wanna put $80 on the game?  Who you got?”

WHAT TO DO: There's only two ways to neutralize R&G;  first way is by saying no and walking away.  But you can’t say no, YOU’RE A MAN DAMN IT!

However, If you bet him and he wins, he’ll let you know about it for the rest of the evening into June.  If you win, he’ll just laugh it off as he’s already bet 10 other people and will just hand you someone else’s money.

Which leads us to option two;  Call him a pussy and tell him you want to wager triple the original amount. Watch his face get uncomfortable and walk away.  He’s already got too many other wagers plus a paycheck on this and can’t risk it.

8. SEAT-JACK

DESCRIPTION: Maybe he was drunk, maybe his house was on fire, maybe his wife was giving birth.  Tough shit, he’s late. Seat-Jack is late, it’s a packed room and he wants YOUR seat.  That’s right, the seat that YOU showed up early for, that YOU took your time picking, and that YOU had intention of sitting comfortably in all night because it’s the best seat. 

One ill-timed move to grab another beer or bathroom break and you’ll come back to this asshole sitting in your seat with a plate. like he was there all day.  To top it off he’ll either say “Shouldn’t have moved bro!” or “Oh, you wanted your seat back?”

WHAT YOU DO:  It’s childish, but remember to call “seat back,” or “squatters,” if you decide to get up with this type around.  Oddly enough, despite all the logical reasons why it’s your seat and everyone being in their later 20’s, it’s the only rule he’ll abide by. 

Threatening to jack him in the face on the spot messes up the party for everyone.  However, if you'd like to wait until after the party to jack him in the face…

7.  LOVESICK

DESCRIPTION: She could care less about the Super Bowl.  She didn’t come to this party to watch some dumb game.  She came to PLAY that game called LOVE.  See, she’s got a crush and has her crosshairs set right on your buddy.  The whole world can see it but he can’t. 

Lovesick will pull you aside and ask about your friend, you’ll ask if she wants you to put her on but she’ll decline because she wants him to notice her. Unfortunately, it’s the Super Bowl…tough day for that request sweetheart.

WHAT YOU DO: Actually this one is more of what you DON’T do; don’t sit next to him, she may try to do that, don’t offer to grab anything, she may want to do that, at halftime when he’s talking to you and she walks up, give some space and let her work. 

Whatever you do, don’t mention to your pal she’s into him.  You make it awkward or hard for her, she’ll take that effort she was putting forth to get him and use it to destroy you at a later date.  Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.  Besides you never know, things with them work out, she may introduce you to her cute friend down the road.

6. FACTOID

DESCRIPTION: Did you know Tom Crean, Indiana’s Basketball Coach is Brother-in-Law to John & Jim Harbaugh? 

Did you know 49ers RB Frank Gore backed up future NFL Players Willis McGahee, Najeh Davenport, and Clinton Portis on Miami’s 2001 National Championship Team?

 Did you know Ravens DT Haloti Ngata is related to Jabari Parker, the #1High School Basketball player in the nation?

Do you care about any of this?  No further explanation is needed.

WHAT YOU DO: The Factoid is a nice dude.  He just happens to know a lot of useless sports knowledge.  It’s kind of interesting when he inserts it in his blog, but not when he keeps rattling it off and you’re trying to watch the game.

 A simple “Jason…er…Factoid, no one cares,” usually will suffice.

5. THE SOCIAL NETWORK

DESCRIPTION: There are photos of you doing that keg stand during pregame on Instagram. Your witty remark about Colin Kaepernick “Kapping off that drive” was stolen and put on Twitter.  You see those angry voice-mails you’re receiving?  It’s because The Social Network tagged you at this party on Facebook and you told other friends you’d be watching the game at your folk’s place.

 Do want to curse him/her out?  You’re going to have to fit that rant into a text because the only way SN communicates is by phone.

WHAT TO DO: Dodge all pictures or use privacy settings on your FB so a request has to be made to tag you in anything.  Tweet any good jokes or comments before saying them out loud because you never know what douche is lying in wait to use them as their own. 

Most importantly, snatch SN’s phone during the game low key and place it on the kitchen counter afterwards.

4. RUN-STUFFER

DESCRIPTION: For the uninitiated, in Football, run-stuffer (or space-eater) is the name given to larger Defensive Tackles with a sole defensive assignment to just to take up space.   These fellas tend to the do the same thing. 

They can be yoked or they can just be a lot of man.  Whatever the case, any room they go into instantly becomes crowded and you really don’t want to be stuck on the couch for an entire game with them.

WHAT YOU DO: Run Stuffers will always look for the solo seats first.  However, if all chairs or recliners are taken, they will lay siege to a couch the same way a dragon does a castle.  Again, punctuality and teamwork is the key.  Make sure you get there early and hop on that couch first with a team of two or three.  If someone gets up and Run-Stuffer comes by, just go ‘Forest Gump’ and inform him “seat’s taken!”

3. VARSITY BLUES

DESCRIPTION: If this goon hasn’t let you in on the not-so-little secret that he used to play Football in High School or College within five minutes of meeting him, you’ll know right after the first big hit:

VB: WHOOOO!!! LIGHTS OUT!!!  HE GAVE HIM THE B. FARLEY-HINSDALE CENTRAL GAME- PERFECT FORM TACKLE!!! LET”S GO!!!!

YOU: What? Who’s Farley? No one knows who that is, you talking about Chris? Hinsdale Central?

Or after a kick-off return for a touchdown…

VB: GET LOOSE! SPEED KILLS BITCHES! THAT’S HOW D-ROC DID EM IN THAT GAME AGAINST CONCORDIA IN COLLEGE KID!!!!!!

YOU: The fuck is a D-Roc? What the hell are you talking about? Man, why are you yelling?

WHAT YOU DO:  Call VB out on the fact that he hasn’t played organized Football in five to eight years and to get on with his life.   Save that intensity for your weekend flag football team has-been.

2. EX-FACTOR

DESCRIPTION: Wow. This is why you should always try to keep a different group of friends than your ex.  You don’t who invited her but she’s here.  Is she here on a reconnaissance mission just seeing how you are?  Is she here with her new meathead of a boyfriend to show off?  Maybe she actually has an interest (yeah right) in the game?

Now it’s been some time since you’ve seen her, but you’d still prefer if you didn’t have to look at her because it brings too much regret. NO, not regret that things didn’t end well, regret that you didn’t kick her crazy ass to the curb sooner.

WHAT YOU DO: Be a gentleman, be civil and be a grown-up.  Even in the event she is just there to get a reaction out of you, you not giving it to her will piss her off more than anything in the world.

1. WILDCARD

DESCRIPTION: Racially insensitive comments? Check.  Offering to feed that one girl banana peppers from off his sandwich? Check. Using halftime to explain to everyone his views on why the world would be a better place if we all smoked weed? And Check. You don’t know what to expect from this crazy son of a bitch.  All that’s for certain is that he’s going to drink…a lot and once he’s loaded up, he’s a runaway freight train. 

WHAT YOU DO: AVOID HIM AT ALL COSTS. Watch R&G take him for every dollar he’s got.  Let Seat-Jack take his seat. Throw him on the couch with Run-Stuffer.  Tell The Social Network to snap those pics and expose him for the tool he is all over FB.  Allow Factoid to bore him with his knowledge of the Ray Lewis murder case and laugh as he somehow manages to charm and make out with Ex-Factor after throwing up.

If you are the poor bastard who brought WILDCARD to the party, here’s a tip: Taking care of him afterwards is like the rules to owning a Mogwai from those ‘Gremlins’ movies:

-Don’t get it near water (he’ll drown).

-Don’t feed it past midnight (he’ll puke).

-Don’t let it near sunlight (until the hangover ends)

-WST