Welcome to a little something called FULL CIRCLE where
I’ll give you a review of everything that happened this week in sports. (January 14-18)
MONDAY
-The Chicago Bulls dismantled the
Atlanta Hawks Monday at the United Center, 97-58. The Bulls set a team record for points allowed and limited the Hawks to only five in the second quarter.
The victory was highlighted by this Taj Gibson dunk where Mortal Kombat's Tsang-Sung is channeled as Taj informs Anthony Tolliver that “YOUR
SOUL IS MINE!”
When asked to explain the embarrassing performance, Hawks
coach Larry Drew responded that they were just trying to prepare the city for a
even bigger letdown during the NFC Championship Sunday.
TUESDAY
-Lance Armstrong contacted the U.S.
Government and offered five million dollars along with a personal
snitching session for a Federal Investigation.
Armstrong’s goal was to make the Feds forget the fraud rap he’s facing for taking U.S Postal Services $30 million from
1999-2004 in a sponsorship deal that banned doping in the contract.
The Justice Department rejected the offer and but probably not before giving him the "really dude?" look.
You know that look, that’s the look you give a friend when he
asks to borrow $80 and after two weeks, just gives you $33.
-Kissing your bicep was dubbed
“Kaepernicking” and became a thing.
That’s cool and all. I like Colin Kaepernick. I’ve been watching him since his Nevada
days (truth), but he may want to find a new endzone celebration because…
“Big Poppa Pump” Scott Steiner has been doing that for years
and I’m pretty sure he’s not going to appreciate #7 biting his style. Who wears chainmail armor?
WEDNESDAY
-Manti Te’o, dude... what the hell
are you doing? When you were
shining, you said you met your non-existent dead girlfriend, Lennay Kakuna following a 2009
Stanford game.
Now that shit has hit the fan, you say you met online and
were hoaxed? Hoaxed!?
What dating sites were YOU using? Zoosk? Plenty of Fish?
Mormon Singles? Let me know so I can steer clear of all of them. I can assure you this doesn’t go down on blackpeoplemeet.com.
If you really were duped, I gotta inform you that YOU HAVE TO BE A PRETTY DUMB MOTHERFUCKER TO GET DUPED FOR FOUR YEARS!
If your own people really were playing you, I’d find Ronaiah Tuiasosopo, put him in a sleeper choke, and never let go.
Notre Dame and Athletic Director Jack Swarbrick (talking
about Catfish, making me hungry) publicly say they got your back like the best
friend in a bar fight. I have no clue why would do so.
They should be like “Um yeah… I think you can handle this
one” and slip out the side door.
And to any looney ND fans that believe Manti is really innocent and
wrongly accused, I hear the Penn State sympathizers would like to set up a
spring softball game & picnic with you in the near future.
How many years before the movie comes out starring the Rock?
And who plays the role of Kakuna, who only HE can he see?
ESPN is at fault too. They had the damn story before the National Championship
game and sat on it. You guys apologize for Grandpa Brent Musburger gawking at a hot chick within 24
hours, but you SIT ON THAT FOR 10 DAYS?!
-Marc Trestman, former head coach of the Montreal Alouettes, decided to say "‘Au revoir" to Canada’s City of Saints and was announced as the new HC of the Chicago Bears.
Meanwhile, back in the Windy City, creepers and Lincoln Park frat bros said "Bonjour" to his two not-ugly daughters…
-Oregon coach Charles Kelly, who
also goes by Chip, made like one and also dipped to the NFL. I know it sucks Ducks but he’ll be
taking the flying quack attack offense to chilly Philly, where you’re a dummy if you
think it’s always sunny, but that “O” could be slick, quick, and sick if properly
ran with Jackson, McCoy and Vick.
I like Philadelphia, it's an pretty cool city, but it wouldn’t be pretty if I got too shitty and
ran afoul of Hood Kingpin, Marvin Harrison and his North Philly Committee.
Album dropping soon.
-Finally on Wednesday, several news
outlets reported that a brawl took place between at least ten USC football players in the locker room following the team’s 21-7 New Year's Eve Sun Bowl loss to Georgia
Tech.
According to ESPN’s unnamed source, the trigger for the
incident was a younger player “badmouthing injured QB Matt Barkley”.
The unnamed source probably also mentioned that he hadn’t
seen so many dudes fighting over a pussy since renting the movie 'Troy'.
THURSDAY
- Darnell Dockett’s “Wanna go to King of Diamonds?” tour stopped at Manti Te’o twitter page as he offered to cheer up the Irish Linebacker with a midget stripper on the house.
DARNELL DOCKETTTe'o likes invisible girls, he might like a midget. Did I mention I now follow Dockett on Twitter?
-Penn State is back in news as it was announced that Al Pacino is set to portray legendary football coach Joe Paterno in “Happy Valley,” a film based on Joe Kopanski’s best-seller “Paterno.”
Brian De Palma is set to direct the film, the third featuring he and Pacino following ‘Scarface’ and ‘Carlito's Way’
‘Scarface' had “Say hello to my little friend!”
‘Carlito’s Way’ had “Here comes the pain!”
Will ‘Paterno’ have “I never heard of, rape, and a man?”
-Part one of Lance Armstrong’s much-hyped confession with Oprah aired last night but it was pretty much stuff we already knew:
He did it and he’s an arrogant prick. Why was it one hour 30 minutes?
FRIDAY
-The Florence Freedom of the
Independent Baseball league has announced that it will be holding a Manti Te’o girlfriend bobblehead day in late May.
The first 1,000 fans into their stadium will receive an
empty bobblehead box. The
promotion will feature a pretend kiss cam for fans to show some public display of
affection with their invisible guy or girl.
This is actually happening.
You remember when
you woke up 48 hours ago and Manti was a good guy?
WEEKEND WATCH!
What you should be doing this weekend if you know, you’re
not drunk or doing something better.
SEE THE LAST STAND!
-Arnie & Johnny Knoxville take on a drug cartel boss fleeing to Mexico in a fast car.
I am disgusted that I just wrote that sentence.
If you really want to see this, save yourself $20 and grab a copy along with two other movies for ten bucks from the bootleg movie man outside of Walgreens or CVS.
SEE BROKEN CITY!
-Corrupt cop who's really from Boston vs. corrupt mayor who's really from Australia set in New York. That’s pretty much the plot.
COUCHCATION!
-I’ve been out a lot. No major plans this weekend and nothing
good out means I need to keep my ass inside. Maybe my girl will stop by. Oh I didn't tell you I was off the market? Yeah we met just a few days ago, Lennay
Kakuna introduced us...
AFC & NFC CHAMPIONSHIP SUNDAY!
-Ravens @ Patriots: It’s a rematch
of last year’s championship game and there’s no awful kicker to miss Field
Goals this time around. Ravens 31-27.
-49ers @ Falcons: I accept that Matt Ryan has a shitty beer for a nickname. That's what he'll be on the couch drinking by this time
next week. The 49er Defense is a whole lot dirtier than the Dirty Birds. 49ers 40-20.
HARBAUGH BOWL!!!!!
Enjoy the weekend.
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