The Ten biggest assholes in Sports Movies.

In my opinion, films are only as good as it’s villain because sometimes, being a villain is more interesting and fun.

10. Jack Parkman (David Keith): Major League II

            -Ozzie Guillen once said of former White Sox Catcher AJ Pierzynski; “If you’re playing against him, you hate him, and if he’s on your team, you hate him a little less.”  Thank god he never came across Parkman because EVERYONE hates him.  Dude’s an arrogant ass who takes pleasure in talking shit to Pitcher Rick “Wild Thing” Vaughn and the Cleveland Indians for almost the entire movie.

9. Spike Hammersmith (Sam Horrigan): Little Giants

            -It’s not Spike’s fault his psycho-ass Pops has trained him to terrorize the gridiron since birth.  However, due to it, he’s lean, mean, and doesn’t take too kindly to any girls on the field that don’t carry pom-poms.

8. Tony Perkis (Ben Stiller): Heavyweights

            -He eats success for breakfast with skim milk, he’s got his dad’s money (Tony Perkis Sr., the light fixture king of Western PA), and he’s out to slim down the fat kids of Camp Hope AT ANY COST!

7. Wolf “The Dentist” Stansson (Casten Noorgard): D2: The Mighty Ducks

            -He knocked out his own coach, was banned from the NHL, leads a team of weird Icelanders who look like they’re old enough to drink and REALLY REALLY is not fond of Mighty Ducks/Team USA Coach Gordon Bombay.  The Junior Goodwill Games just got real...

6. Shooter McGavin (Christopher McDonald): Happy Gilmore

            -He eats pieces of shit like you for Breakfast and he threatened to burn Grandma Gilmore’s house down and piss on the ashes.  Stay out of Shooter’s way, or you'll pay, listen to what he says.

5. Clubber Lang (Mr. T): Rocky III

            -HEY WOMAN! HEY WOMAN! Look up Mr. T’s bio sometime on Wikipedia. Before he became a star, the “South Side Slugger” was a FUCKING BADASS. I am positive that he wasn’t acting in ‘Rocky III’ and the director told him to be himself.

4. Ogie Oglethorpe (Ned Dowd): Slapshot

            -You hear his name mentioned several times throughout the movie followed by a moment of tension and fear but don’t actually see him until the final 20 minutes.  His appearance leaves a little something to be desired but his rep in the film alone earns him number four on the list.

3. Coach Bud Kilmer (Jon Voight): Varsity Blues

            -He’s a local as well as Texas State legend with two state titles and 22 district championships.  Too bad he’s racist, ignores serious injuries by injecting his players with steroids or painkillers, and then tosses them away like a jag-rag after he’s finished with them.  Did I mention he’s really not into new offensive formations?

2. Ross “The Boss” Rhea (Liev Schreiber): Goon

            -For a guy who’s still trying to get into hockey, this list is kind of puck-heavy but with good reason as Hockey lets you fight and for years featured goons like “The Boss” to bleed for the team.  However, the old vet finally meets his "Waterloo" (Napoleon reference idiots) at the hands of newcomer Doug “The Thug” Glatt.

1. Ivan Drago (Dolph Lundgren): Rocky IV

            -I don’t hate him because he’s Russian.  I don’t hate him because he WILL break me.  I hate him because he KILLED APOLLO CREED!!!!!!!!!! WHY COULDN'T ROCKY JUST THROW THE DAMN TOWEL IN?!!?!

Honorable Mention:

Birdie (Tupac Shakur): Above The Rim

            -Tried to kill his own brother following a summer league Basketball game.

Rachel Phelps (Margaret Whitton): Major League I & II

            -Ex-Vegas Showgirl with a plan to move Cleveland’s beloved Indians to Miami. She’s also a major bitch.

Iowa Guard #64: The Program

            -You never see his face, thanks to an extra-dark visor. He single-handedly ends the career of ESU Linebacker, Alvin Mack, the team’s best defender and the greatest shit-talker to ever play college Football.

Clu Heywood (Peter Vukovich): Major League I

            -“How’s your wife and MY kids?”  The best line I have ever heard. ANYWHERE!

-WST