WHY? “Ryan Braun and I are best friends! He would never lie
to ME about taking PEDs. I’d even bet my whole salary (not really) on it.
WAIT, HE DID!? I feel so
BETRAYED! HOW COULD HE?! Someone
give me a computer! That dude is
getting deleted from my Facebook friends RIGHT MEOW!”
RUNNING BACK- ADRIAN PETERSON
(MINNESOTA VIKINGS)
WHY? For
choosing to settle on this planet and dominating OUR game when you know human
players can’t compete with your otherworld abilities.
Shame on you AP.
WIDE RECEIVER-GREG JENNINGS
(GREEN BAY PACKERS)
WHY? "Couple year’s back, some random dude playing a video game made me a star. Last year, I
was in commercials doing push-ups with Jet-Skis AND white women on my back. Then my team figured out it’s probably
more my QB’s talent than mine and I was allowed to become a free agent. Now I’m just playing on the
opposition. Not bitter at all though…”
WIDE RECEIVER-TITUS YOUNG
(FREE AGENT)
WHY? Inside the head of Titus Young: “Hey, you know what’s the shit? Losing your fucking mind!”
WIDE RECEIVER-DEZ BRYANT
(DALLAS COWBOYS)
WHY? He had a great season last year and looks like he’s turning into the player the Cowboys envisioned why they
drafted him.
So you KNOW he's just going to suck this year, Right?
TIGHT END-AARON HERNANDEZ
(BRISTOL COUNTY HOUSE OF CORRECTIONS)
WHY? If you’re not too grown or don't enjoy scantily-clad women, you’ll most likely be out at a strip of bars during Halloween weekend. At some point during your evening, expect to at least one (maybe more) d-bag bro handcuffed and wearing the same outfit above and you'll high-five him. Your girl will
think you're amused because you’re a douchy Football troll. You’ll actually like it because of the
two hot chicks dressed as skanky cops “escorting” him. Just giving you a heads up.
LEFT TACKLE-JASON PETERS
(PHILADELPHIA EAGLES)
WHY? In
June, Peters was arrested for street racing and leading police on a high–speed
chase. That’s so Fast &
Furious one bro. You're big ass is not Vin Diesel.
LEFT GUARD-RICHIE ICOGNITO (MIAMI
DOLPHINS)
WHY? If you
watched HARD KNOCKS on HBO last summer, you know that Incognito is kind of a dick
who was voted the dirtiest lineman in the NFL last year.
Who am I kidding? If he were on my team, I’d love him.
CENTER & RIGHT GUARD-
MAURICE & MAURKICE POUNCEY (PITTSBURGH STEELERS & MIAMI DOLPHINS)
WHY? Those hats…come on fellas…really?
RIGHT TACKLE-JaMARCUS WEBB
(CHICAGO BEARS)
WHY? He's really bad. Son of a bitch can't even lace up his shoes...
TOMORROW: DEFENSE!
-WST
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