NFL ALL-TOOLBOX TEAM 2013 (DEFENSE)

DEFENSIVE LINE-DESMOND BRYANT (CLEVELAND BROWNS)

WHY?  Party too hard.  End up in a family’s front yard.  NFL players have done worse.  But when this is your mugshot…

DEFENSIVE LINE- D’QUAN BOWERS (TAMPA BAY BUCCANEERS)

WHY?  He brought a gun to the airport.  Yeah, you can’t do that. Guess he didn’t catch Katt Williams American Hustle special…

DEFENSIVE LINE-JOHNNY JOLLY (GREEN BAY PACKERS)

WHY? Back in the league after a three-year suspension following an arrest and prison time for possession of 200 grams of codeine.  He’s a purple drank kingpin. 

LINEBACKER-VON MILLER (DENVER BRONCOS)

WHY?  We went over this Friday.

LINEBACKER-ROLANDO McCLAIN (RETIRED)

WHY? Eighth overall pick in 2010. Four arrests in three years. The scourge of Decatur County, Alabama. A complete waste of talent.

At least he doesn’t let a little thing like jail ruin his day.

LINEBACKER-QUINTON GROVES (CLEVELAND BROWNS)

WHY? Arrested as part of a prostitution sting in April. I always figured if you were a big-money pro athlete, ass just gets thrown your way and there's no need for a dial-a-ho service.  Guess I’m wrong.

LINEBACKER-RONNELL LEWIS (DETROIT LIONS)

WHY?  Managed to get into a bar fight near  in Norman, Oklahoma where he was an all-Big XII selection for the University of Oklahoma Sooners.  So let me get this straight: you're a big-time pro football player back at your alma mater where you're worshipped and people STILL want to kick your ass?  Gotta be a cocksmoke.

DEFENSIVE BACK-ALFONZO DENNARD (NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS)

WHY?  Beat up a Lincoln, Nebraska police officer in March.  Lucky they didn’t shoot his ass dead.  Followed it up with a DUI on July 11^th.  The Pats have been pretty busy the last couple months.  Crime is hard work.

DEFENSIVE BACK-PACMAN JONES (CINCINATTI BENGALS)

WHY? Charged with aggravated assault in June for punching a woman outside of a club.  Jones is the Gucci Mane of the NFL: always in trouble, yet somehow manages to keep getting paid despite.  So much baggage, I hear he just lists “jail” as his mailing address.

DEFENSIVE BACK-QUINTON CARTER (DENVER BRONCOS)

WHY? Arrested for cheating at craps in a casino.  Who the hell goes to a casino to cheat at craps?  You can do that with a pair of loaded dice in a back alley with a burning garbage can for heat.  He’s lucky he didn’t pull that shit at the Tangiers…

DEFENSIVE BACK-AMARI SPIVEY (ST. LOUIS RAMS)

WHY? Spivey enjoys treating his ex-girlfriend like a human piñata. He's the type you wouldn't mind seeing run over by a truck carrying potential Biggest Loser cotestants.

Thank you for your continued support of the WST. Beginning tomorrow, I’ll be out of the country in Belize for a week.  Hopefully, I’ll return with some good stories and a killer tan.  In the meantime, be good, keep laughing and don’t do anything too stupid without me.

-WST

NFL ALL-TOOLBOX TEAM 2013 (OFFENSE)

QUARTERBACK- AARON RODGERS (GREEN BAY PACKERS)

WHY? “Ryan Braun and I are best friends! He would never lie to ME about taking PEDs.  I’d even bet my whole salary (not really) on it.  WAIT, HE DID!?  I feel so BETRAYED!  HOW COULD HE?! Someone give me a computer!  That dude is getting deleted from my Facebook friends RIGHT MEOW!”

RUNNING BACK- ADRIAN PETERSON (MINNESOTA VIKINGS)

WHY?  For choosing to settle on this planet and dominating OUR game when you know human players can’t compete with your otherworld abilities. 

Shame on you AP.

WIDE RECEIVER-GREG JENNINGS (GREEN BAY PACKERS)

WHY? "Couple year’s back, some random dude playing a video game made me a star.  Last year, I was in commercials doing push-ups with Jet-Skis AND white women on my back.  Then my team figured out it’s probably more my QB’s talent than mine and I was allowed to become a free agent.  Now I’m just playing on the opposition.  Not bitter at all though…”

WIDE RECEIVER-TITUS YOUNG (FREE AGENT)

WHY?  Inside the head of Titus Young: “Hey, you know what’s the shit? Losing your fucking mind!”

WIDE RECEIVER-DEZ BRYANT (DALLAS COWBOYS)

WHY? He had a great season last year and looks like he’s turning into the player the Cowboys envisioned why they drafted him.

So you KNOW he's just going to suck this year, Right?

TIGHT END-AARON HERNANDEZ (BRISTOL COUNTY HOUSE OF CORRECTIONS)

WHY? If you’re not too grown or don't enjoy scantily-clad women, you’ll most likely be out at a strip of bars during Halloween weekend. At some point during your evening, expect to at least one (maybe more) d-bag bro handcuffed and wearing the same outfit above and you'll high-five him.  Your girl will think you're amused because you’re a douchy Football troll.  You’ll actually like it because of the two hot chicks dressed as skanky cops “escorting” him.  Just giving you a heads up.

LEFT TACKLE-JASON PETERS (PHILADELPHIA EAGLES)

WHY?  In June, Peters was arrested for street racing and leading police on a high–speed chase.  That’s so Fast & Furious one bro. You're big ass is not Vin Diesel.

LEFT GUARD-RICHIE ICOGNITO (MIAMI DOLPHINS)

WHY? If you watched HARD KNOCKS on HBO last summer, you know that Incognito is kind of a dick who was voted the dirtiest lineman in the NFL last year.

Who am I kidding?  If he were on my team, I’d love him. 

CENTER & RIGHT GUARD- MAURICE & MAURKICE POUNCEY (PITTSBURGH STEELERS & MIAMI DOLPHINS)

WHY? Those hats…come on fellas…really?

RIGHT TACKLE-JaMARCUS WEBB (CHICAGO BEARS)

WHY?  He's really bad. Son of a bitch can't even lace up his shoes...

And yet, somehow he has still remained with Bears...

TOMORROW: DEFENSE!

-WST

FULL CIRLCE FRIDAY-SUNSHINE!

All the stories you know and ones you don’t, but should. Welcome to FULL CIRCLE

MONDAY

            -The NFL suspends Denver Broncos Linebacker Von Miller for failing a drug test?!  That’s preposterous, Von Miller doesn’t have a drug problem at all…

Ok…maybe a turn-up problem though.

-So Miami Dolphins Cornerback Brent Grimes’ friends and wife threw him a nice little party for his 30th birthday and his brother decided to Instagram this photo of Brent’s birthday cake. 

                                                                                                                                                    WARNING: this cake SUCKS…. literally. It’s not for kids of any of that bullshit, so you know they’ll want to see too,

You ready?

You sure?

You positive?

Ok here it goes…

 

I wonder which piece he chose.

TUESDAY

            -Jimmy Butler, c'mon man...

I could care less about the shirt, it's just a shirt.  He should be more careful though because you know some uptight-ass mom out there caught this picture and was like "well he's not a good role model."

Gotta be smarter than that basketball blindside.  Unless of course he was just referring to this adorable little guy.

-This is exactly how I look some days when I use the can…

They may want to have someone check the Stanley Cup after they’re done with that photo. And bring some wet wipes.

WEDNESDAY

            -These Jeopardy contestants are pretty smart…until you bring up sports movies

You know Alex Trebek was thinking, "really motherfuckers?"  I would have stayed on that category, just gone apeshit on these chumps, collected some moolah, and linked up with Trebek at the lounge afterwards.  Drinks on him.

            -Dwight Howard took some time out of his busy schedule of being a ho to take a pretty cool and classy photo with legendary Houston Rockets Centers Hakeem Olajuwon, Elvin Hayes, Ralph Sampson and Yao Ming.

Yao’s fucking head...that bad boy is huge.  Hakeem and Ralph both look like they have plans to hit the club later for “grown & sexy” night and Hayes is rocking the third period gym teacher look.

THURSDAY

            -Prosecutors got a hold of some of the surveillance tape images from Aaron Hermurdez’s home on the night of Odin Lloyd's murder showing the former Patriots Tight End holding the gun believed to have been used in the killing.

I feel like by the time the D.A. is done with this case, they’ll be closing the book on every unsolved murder ever.

            - Look at this Air Force member do a windmill dunk with fatigues and boots on.

Potential foreign aggressors be warned:  not only will our Armed Service members shit all over you in battle, but the court as well.

FRIDAY

            -Matt  Ryan?  Five years? $103.75 million dollars?  $59 million guaranteed?  Well…

With that kind of coin, it’s time for a new nickname.  No more “Matty Ice” nonsense.  I declare him... Trick Matty!  

With that 1-4 playoff record, he and his agent clearly pulled some bullshit to make him the second highest paid player in NFL history.

WEEKEND WATCH!

What you should be doing this weekend if you know, you’re not drunk or doing something better…

SEE THE WOLVERINE!

            -Can’t be worse than the last Wolverine flick.  Plus this one has Ninjas!

SEE FRUITVALE STATION!

            -You’re not familiar with Michael B. Jordan yet?  You really should because he’ll be the next big thing in another year or so.

NFL TRAINING CAMP!

            -Grab a lawn chair, maybe some beers and check out your favorite players as they get ready for the season.  Maybe even score an autograph if that’s your bag.  Just don’t be like this Redskins fan if you don’t.

FRIDAY SHOUT-OUT!

Recognizing whomever the hell I want!

Shout-out to Stella Cidre.  Yours truly got lucky and scored a last-minute invite to a tasting event earlier this week where good-looking women kept my glass full.

Tasty, crisp, and goes down very easily. 

Which means it’s dangerous and should have never been unleashed on this poor world.

That’s a wrap, thank you for your support of the WST and I’ll see you Monday.  Be safe in those streets.

-WST

WEDNESDAY RANT-HERE WE GO

            

College teams are holding media days.  Training camps for all NFL teams will be under way by the end of the week.  High School kids are gearing up for two-a-days. ESPN and other networks are beginning to make that transition.  Shit, people have even begun the tough process of picking a name for the their Fantasy teams.

So before you spend the next seven months in bars, restaurants, man-caves, dorms, living rooms and stadiums clad in school or pro colors…

Before you spend your weekends giving high-fives, singing fight songs, fist pumping, talking shit, getting drunk and eating food that you’ll regret by Monday.

Before those feelings of Anger, Despair, Frustration, Drama, and pure Euphoria…

Before you spend a whole week praising your favorite team’s coach for going for the TD instead of the field goal only to spend another trashing him because the Offensive Line can’t protect the Quarterback or the defense has holes…

Before it all starts; Pre-Season, Two-a-days, Hard Knocks, Fantasy Draft, Kickoff Weekend, Weekly Picks, Monday Night Football, Monday Morning Quarterbacks, Regular Season, Fantasy Season, Waiver wire pick-ups, Rivalry Games, State Championships, Conference Championships, Bowl Games, Fantasy Playoffs, National Championship, NFL Playoffs, and the Super Bowl…

Get out of your work chair…take a deep breath...be sure no one is looking and just…

Dance

Because Football is back.

-WST

THE TOP TEN MOVIE KID ATHLETES!

Sports kid’s movies are awesome cause you can learn quite a bit from them.

 Like that a rag-tag group of youths from different backgrounds can win a Championship in a game that they didn’t really know how to play an hour and a half earlier...

Or that sometimes though miraculous occurrence, you too can compete with grown, professionals while dropping knowledge about life and teamwork as well.

Ok…so none of that shit really happens.  Let’s just count the top fictional kid athletes.

10. CALVIN CAMBRIDGE (LIKE MIKE) 

            Two things holding Calvin back; first, almost all of his skill can be attributed to the “magic” pair of Michael Jordan’s sneakers that he wears during games.  I find this hard to believe because in reality, if MJ found out some orphan had hold of his kicks, he’d have them seized and returned because Michael Jordan is an asshole.  Second, Bow Wow plays Calvin and Bow Wow is the worst.

9. MARTHA/MATTHEW (LADYBUGS)

            Martha was sick; she had serious footwork and could score at will. The only problem is she’s a DUDE!!!!  Just a kid-ringer named Matthew brought in by coach Rodney Dangerfield to help his hapless Girl’s Soccer team win.  Which they do, so I guess mission accomplished?

8. HAMILTON “HAM” PORTER (THE SANDLOT)

            “You…play…ball…like…a…girl!” Dude…back in the 60’s, you say that, it’s put-up or shut-up time.  Ham could back up his talk up though; he was a tough-ass ginger who apparently became a Pro Wrestler in the movies epilogue.

7. AMANDA WHURLITZER (BAD NEWS BEARS)

            12 year-old girls are normally about meeting boys, buying clothes, maybe heading to a One Direction concert and screaming their little hearts out.  Just don’t tell that to Amanda Whurlitzer because she was blessed with an arm and doesn’t mind proving that chicks can deal some heat too.

6. JUAN (THE BIG GREEN)

            How good was Juan?  So good the Coach of the arch-rival Knights dropped the dime on him and his mother to Immigration in hopes that he’d split town and miss the league Championship Game.  Unfortunately, according Juan’s birth certificate, he was born here so suck on that Knights.  BUENAS DIAS BITCHES.

5. SPIKE HAMMERSMITH (LITTLE GIANTS)

            I’ve covered Spike and his antics in the past so I’ll just keep it short and state that while he’s IS a mini-brick shithouse, he’s also rude, arrogant, and isn’t the best team player.  Little asshole is ten, going on 29.

4. BECKY “ICE BOX” O’SHEA (LITTLE GIANTS)

            Hey, she bitched Spike’s meathead ass. Imagine if she had played more than just half that game at the end of the movie.   What a monster.  By the way, she’s all grown up now and kind of hot.  Just thought you may want to know.

3. TEAM USA/THE DUCKS (D2: THE MIGHTY DUCKS)

            Let’s be honest, there’s 4 or 5 players from this team that could have made the list so why not include the entire roster?  I choose the second movie because they had the most talented players from the first film along with five of the best from across the country.  That shit was like a youth Hockey Dream Team. Hey Iceland, blow us. U-S-A!  U-S-A!  U-S-A! U-S-A! WHOOOOOOOO NUMBER ONE!!!

2.  HENRY ROWENGARTNER (ROOKIE OF THE YEAR)

            I can see some people now….”He won the Cubs a WORLD SERIES and he’s not number one?!”  That’s right, he’s not.  As awesome as Henry was, he was just the product of a freak accident and before the movie ends, his gift is gone.  Don’t get me wrong, Rowengartner accomplished quite a lot for a 12 year-old in 103 minutes, however, he’s not a natural-athlete like…

1. BENJAMIN FRANKLIN “BENNY THE JET” RODRIGUEZ (THE SANDLOT)

            Benny was making history in his own neighborhood when Henry’s dead-beat POPS was just a zit-faced punk.  I’d LOVE to see Thomas Ian Nicholas strap on a pair of PF Flyers and out-run the BEAST!

-WST

FULL CIRCLE FRIDAY-TAKE IT TO THE HOUSE!

All the stories you know and ones you don’t, but should. Welcome to FULL CIRCLE

MONDAY

            -Whoa…

All-Star game festivities…. or furry convention?  You decide.

-Just messing around, of course it’s the All-Star game.  Oakland A’s Outfielder Yoenis Cespedes won the Home Run Derby Monday night.  In fact, he had 17 homers in the first round.

I don’t know what’s more shocking; the fact that he won and wasn’t even selected to the All-Star team or the fact that he could hit a home run period.

TUESDAY

            -I’ve repeatedly stated that I’m quite some time away from kids but when I do have one, I want my son to be just like this little dude.

That was great, in fact this kid reminds me of another guy from Houston… 

            - The American League defeated the National 3-1 in the All-Star game and I must admit, the mid-summer classic still brings out the kid in me, I mean listen to New York’s own Marc Anthony belt God Bless America:

Yes, Marc Anthony is from New York, and yes, he is American.  Shame some people in this country are fucking morons…

WEDNESDAY

            -Chris Kaman is a Laker and pretty pleased about it.

That's great Christ!  Especially since no one else on the roster is. Not even Kobe.  By the way, what the hell is up with the horse?  Did he just want to be around someone uglier than him?

            -The ESPYS were Wednesday night and the suits in Bristol apparently thought it would be cute to allow Vikings QB Christian Ponder co-host the red carpet pre-show with his wife, ESPN reporter Samantha Steele-Ponder.

So how good was Christian?  Well let’s just say he shouldn’t quit his day job.  Actually, he should do that too.  Christian Ponder blows Goat testicles.

THURSDAY

            -Check out the victory dance Rasul Chaunayev of Azerbaijani pulls out after he smokes his Russian opponent around 0:34 in the clip.

AYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!! GET EM!!!!!! The grace of ballet crossed with footwork of crip-walking!!!!  I spent HOURS learning last night (I really need a girlfriend…or Football to start). Challenge me if you dare.

            -Here’s Nuggets Guard Jordan Hamilton losing his shorts during a summer league game in Vegas.

That’s why you double-knot the drawstrings bro.

FRIDAY

            -Jay Cutler and wife Kristin were all 80’s out for his fundraiser benefiting diabetes research last night.

I’m sure it was a good time because if there is one thing Cutty Bear CAN throw, it’s a bitchin party.

WEEKEND WATCH!

What you should be doing this weekend if you know, you’re not drunk or doing something better…

SEE ONLY GOD FORGIVES!

            -The ONLY, yes, ONLY four-star movie this summer.  If you enjoyed Drive (you know you did), you’re going to love this shit.  It’s got violence, great acting, and of course, Ryan Gosling for the ladies.

SEE RED 2!

            -Geriatrics and Guns!  Why can’t visits to see your Nana at the retirement home be this fun?

ENJOY THE LAST WEEKEND WITHOUT FOOTBALL!

            -Training Camps open in 6 days. ::: Guygasm:::

FRIDAY SHOUT-OUT!

Recognizing whomever the hell I want!

Shout-out to Detroit!  You guys may have declared Bankruptcy yesterday, but you’ve cleared the way for something far greater in the near future.

That’s a wrap! See you Monday!

-WST