Wednesday Rant: White People Make the Best Desserts!

Snicker salad, spice bars, chocolate covered peanut butter balls, brownies with Oreos inserted into the middle.  

At first thought, you’d think tools of deliciousness like these would be thought up by some sick, evil, genius working in an underground dessert lab or at least someone with a Food Network show. That couldn’t be further from the truth. 

The culprits? Wives, girlfriends, dads, aunts and of course, moms of a few friends.  

The only common factor between them all?  They’re all white as a CW network show.

There’s no disrespect intended and no argument to be made, white people are and have been the reigning World-Heavyweight Champs of dessert making.

If dessert making came with a wrestling-type title belt, white people would be Ric Flair. 

If all white people could play basketball like they make desserts, every team in the NBA would look like the Minnesota Timberwolves.

 It’s a racket that they own and have locked up tighter than their cars in a rough neighborhood. 

I don’t know who to thank either!  Is there some secret dessert deity that white people pray to and blesses them with the ability to make flame ass treats?  Julia Child? Rachel Ray? Martha Stewart? Betty Crocker? Paula Dean? Nah, she’s racist.

You know what black people feature as our main desserts?  Popsicles, peach cobbler, banana pudding, pecan pie(holidays) and Sock It To Me Cake.    Half of you are like“What the hell is a Sock It To Me Cake?” It’s pretty much just yellow cake!  Well...sometimes there’s 7-Up in it.  Don’t get me wrong, it’s good, but it’s no PUPPY CHOW! 

I didn’t even know what puppy chow was until I was 17 and some girl made it for me in like five minutes. I grabbed a handful and ate it; you would have thought I just tasted the blood of Christ.  WHAT IS THIS?  HOW DID YOU ACQUIRE IT?!  I MUST POSSESS IT!!!  Then she told me what goes into it: Chex, butter, vanilla, peanut butter, powdered sugar, and chocolate syrup!

Simple right? No!  You could put all those items in front of me and tell me to make a dessert and after five minutes, I’d say screw it and grab some milk for the Chex along with some bread and jelly for the peanut butter!

So congrats, White People, you are the dessert making champs!  RUSH THE COURT!