GET YOUR BIG MAN ON!

My buddy “U” came over last night to watch some hoops because watching basketball with a friend and maybe a beer or two is the closest thing to a “Wasted Wednesday” that occurs in my life anymore.   At one point I got up to grab a glass of water and I heard a huge bang.  I turn around to see U face down on the couch clutching his elbow. 

 I didn’t even have to ask what happened because I already knew…. 

In his haste, U plopped down on the far corner part of the couch with his arms out wide and smacked his funny bone against my end table.  Now I know why they call it the funny bone, the shit was quite funny to me. 

Once recovered, U admitted the error of his way: he had tried to “get his big man on” in an area that was not “big man friendly”.

You see, you can get your big man on a couch, but there can’t be more than one other person on it (which made U’s situation even funnier since it was empty).

You can get your big man on in a pool, ocean or lake, but not in a crowded hot tub.

You can get your big man on in a pair of Rocawear or Sean John Jeans but not Diesel or Banana Republic jeans.

You can get your big man on in VIP at a club or lounge, but not on a barstool.

You can get your big man on if you’re sitting courtside at a basketball game, but not if your seats are in one of the 300 sections.

You can get your big man on in a SUV, but not in a plane seat.

If you haven’t figured it out yet, getting your big man on is the large male art of being comfortable.

 Now just to clarify, we are not talking about being fat, however, it is one of a few body descriptions that fit under the big man umbrella.  Other descriptions include husky, stocky, big-boned, broad-shouldered, swole and yoked. 

As far as weight and height goes, if you’re at least 5’9 and 240 pounds plus, you’re a big man and being a big man can be a blessing and a curse.

On the positive side, it’s extremely rare that someone other than another big man ever gives you shit.  We’re also the best dancers.  If you’re the right build or height, women tend to think of you as cuddly or will ask if you play College/Pro Basketball or Football and you should always answer that question with a “Yes, but I don’t start, I’m a reserve.” Never say you’re a big name player; they either know or will look that up on their iPhone in two seconds flat.

On the negative side, people may tend to confuse you with a bouncer at bars or places of that sort and as mentioned, the whole comfort thing is a pain in the ass.  I’m a big man and you know my own boys like to make fun of the way I walk?  They say it’s more of just a presence and that I look like I’m on a mission.

A few more things that are not big man friendly:

Small Cars

School Bus Seats

The Point Guard position in Basketball

Skiing

Beach Chairs

Skinny Jeans (never)

Airplane Bathrooms

Addidas T-Shirts

Public Transportation

Horizontal Striped shirts

Soccer (Futbol) Jerseys

The color Red (think Kool-Aid man)

Pretty much any crowded place

On the flip side, the following are big man friendly:

Zubaz pants

Nike T-Shirts

Steam Rooms

The Nose Tackle Position in Football

Boss in a side-scrolling 90’s video game

Sweater Vest

The Gym

Football Jerseys

Suspenders

Khaki & Jordan Brand Shorts

Recliners

Patios

Hoodies

Newsboy hats

Sweatsuits

So what does this all tell us?  Shit, it tells me I need to keep losing weight (doing well, thanks for asking).  It shows that being a big man can have its moments.

Oh and I know said we’re the best dancers but in case you thought I was lying, TAKE IT AWAY WARREN SAPP!