Things you don't want to hear Super Bowl Sunday.

“We’re out of Cool Ranch Doritos!”

“God wanted me to win this game!!!” (Oh Raymond Lewis)

“Hey, can I smoke a square in here!”

“BROSEPH!”

“Bro, try some of this Deer Antler Spray”

“I’d like you guys to meet my girlfriend, Lennay!”

“Do you have a spare bedroom bro? She’s into me and I’m trying to get that Jeff Smoker” (go to Urban Dictionary)

“I don’t think Beyonce is that hot.”

“Microwave isn’t working!”

“Guess who brought a Taco Bell 12-Pack case?!”

“NO MORE WINGS!?” (Damn you to hell Wing Man!)

“She USED to be your girl but now she’s MY girl!”

“BAYBBEEE, I wanna go home!”

“And that’s the 7^th field goal of the game folks!”

“I’ve been a 49ers fan all my life, my dad is from San Francisco.” ßBORN IN MILWAUKEE

“So they’re brothers and they’re playing against each other?”

“This game blows.”

“I’ve been a Ravens fan all my life, I’m from Miami. Ray Lewis and Ed Reed went to the U!” ßMOVED FROM MIAMI WHEN HE WAS ONE!

“WHO INVITED YOU HERE BITCH?!!”

“Looks like he may have torn his ACL on that play.

“We’re out of beer!”

“Alright, your friends have to leave, I need to catch up on Real Housewives.”

“Toilet’s broken!”

“Think your girlfriend will mind if you give me a ride home sexy?” ßSHE DEFINITELY WILL!

“Is there a problem here bro?”

“Can I grab one of your beers?” ßALREADY IN HIS HAND AND OPENED!

“I’m about to hit her with the Vinny Chase game.”

“Hey sweetie, its mom, am I interrupting the game?”

“Brought some wine bro.”

“Brought my iPod, can we listen to music?”

“Hey, wanna take me on a quick run at halftime, it’ll be quick” ßNEVER IS.

“Bro, Michael Crabtree looks good in those pants!”

“Take me by my house so I can change before we get there.”

“We’re out of tequila!”

“Police. Can you open your door? We have a noise complaint”

“Don’t tell me how to DJ my own remote!”

“I know you’re girl is here man, but can you dive on a grenade for me low key?”

“Do you have anything for vegetarians?”

“So what’s up with you two?”

“Think you can come scoop me from work and bring me over?”

“You didn’t call squatters on that seat man.”

“You think anyone will care if I just piss outside?”

“I want to lick that Guacamole off you.”

“FIRE!!!!!”

“WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH THE TV DUDE!!??!”

“BAYYYBE, is Tom Brady playing in this game?”

"It's too cold in here!"

"It's too hot in here!"

“Dude, I’ll bust out the Ray Lewis Squirrel dance RIGHT here!”

-WST

Dancing? Trash-Talking? I Love it!

About a week ago, I was bored and turned to old-reliable; the NFL Network. Their excellent documentary series, “A Football Life” was on and featured the great Barry Sanders. 

It was my second time watching this episode and a segment that should have stood out to me the first time around was longtime Lions radio announcer Tom Brandstatter describing how “refreshing” it was that Barry always just handed the ball off after scoring and never felt any need to spike the ball or do some dance.

Nonsense Tom

You’re full of shit just like every other white-collar, uptight sportscaster or writer who tries to come down on celebrating after a big play and trash-talking.  Whether it’s in Football, Basketball, Baseball, or any other sport for that matter. 

I want to throw up anytime some old ass analyst gets on TV and gives me the whole  “act you’ve been there before” spiel like you’re a lower class of human-being for doing otherwise.

You know who else just gave the ball to the ref? OJ. Doesn’t mean a thing.

Barry Sanders didn’t do the “stanky-leg” after scoring?  Awesome. Excellent. Barry Sanders is one of the greatest of all-time.  He did not choose to show out or talk trash, as it just wasn’t a part of his game.  If he wanted to, he could have done it and it would have been AWESOME! 

The best part is that no could have done or said a damn thing about it either.

Can you imagine if High School, College and Pro teams were still allowed to have FUN without repercussions like the Miami Hurricanes of the 80's used to? It would be fun, hilarious and must-see TV.

If you don’t like what you just saw, tough.

For years, I watched Brett Farve cut up the Bears defense and run around like a jackass after a TD as John Madden screamed “HE’S LIKE A LITTLE KID OUT THERE!” 

What, was I going to do? Hate on him and say “there’s no place for that in Football” because he just dicked my team?  Don’t think there weren’t times where the shoe was on other foot and I enjoyed it.

Specifically this.

What about sportsmanship and class? If you’re an athlete and don’t like an opposing squad’s player showing you and your team up, stop them.  It’s that simple. 

If you’re a fan and don’t like it, tough, write a letter to your team’s General Manger or Athletic Director and ask them to stop recruiting and drafting bums because it’s their fault.

I’m not saying teach your kids to act like complete jackasses after scoring a goal at a third grade soccer game but also let’s stop with this idea that NOT celebrating following a big play or score is better.  It just means you don't feel the need to add that aspect into your game.

As far as trash-talking goes, it’s not bragging if you can back it up.

Trash talking is a psychological tool that can motivate oneself just as well as throw someone else off their game.

If you say, “you can’t stop me chump!” is it in the best taste, not really, but maybe saying it to yourself makes you go harder.

Yesterday, at Super Bowl Media Day, Randy Moss said that he is the best Wide Receiver to play the game.  Fans and analysts are already jumping on him.

ESPN must have gotten on their knees and thanked god Ray Lewis style. Less than a hour later, they had the stats comparing him with the true greatest receiver of all time, Jerry Rice.

 By the evening, Rice on my TV, suit and all, talking a little shit back and flashing his Super Bowl ring.

Yes, numbers and championships tell a lot different story than what Moss is talking about but if you’re a 49ers fan, do you want Moss going into the game with the mindset that he’s not the best to ever play at his position?

Personally, I’m excited to watch him Sunday because I’ve been waiting to show some flashes of that guy who used to ruin my Sundays when he was with Vikings.

When you go to work every day, do you not tell yourself that you’re the best analyst, stock broker, manager, street sweeper in the world?  If you don’t, start looking for a new career.

Some of the best NBA players of all time incorporated trash talking as part of their games. Remember Magic, Jordan, Barkley, and Bird? All ran their mouths enough to co-author a book on the subject.

Again, if you have a problem with it, stop it.

A high school or college kid should be able to dance after a sack.

Dunk a basketball on some and do the 'dougie' afterwards.

Talk a little trash (just leave wives and Honey-Nut cheerios out of it Kevin Garnett!)

Or don’t.  But that should be their choice.

They say act like you’ve been there before but what if you never get there again? Nothing is guaranteed.

The only sportsmanship REQUIRED is shaking hands afterwards and saying “good game” or “thanks for coming out”.  If a player is embarrassed or pissed off that someone made them look bad, that’s their problem for letting it happen.

-WST

TWO THUMBS UP, FOUR THUMBS DOWN TUESDAY

Every Tuesday, I’ll be sharing the little life’s pleasures that make me jump for joy and the terrible, awful things I want to spit on.

Two Things that earned my love:

1. Charles Barkley: Sir Charles showed up randomly to an Phoenix area ABC affiliate Sunday evening and did the Weather Report. Well not very well..

1.  This Guy:

Never been much of a LeBron fan but I will admit that’s pretty cool.  He can still go to hell though.  What’s next on the LBJ image rehab tour?

Four things that earned my scorn:

1. Kobe and Vanessa Bryant: Recently, Vanessa made a decision to hold onto Kobe and all of his money.  Black Mamba demonstrated his new training as he came to his wife’s defense over her unhappiness with Drake's “Bitch you wasn’t with me shootin in the gym” line on Rick Ross’s 2012 spring single ‘Stay Schemin’. The line was clearly in reference to the estimated $150 million Vanessa was set to receive as part of a divorce settlement with Kobe.  Now Ricky and "charmin extra-soft" Drizzy will need to add the line, “Kobe, you wasn’t hatin when she was tryin to get half.”

2. Florida International Football:  Several players took a recruit to a strip club and Tweeted about it.  Basically, the manner in which you were caught is two times as dumb as the violation.
3. Redskins Offensive Tackle Trent Williams: Williams is 6’5, 318 pounds and goes by the nickname Silverback.  Earlier this month, he had this little post game altercation with Seahawks Cornerback Richard Sherman following Seattle’s 24-14 Wild Card Playoff victory.

Williams was scheduled to play in the Pro Bowl this past Sunday but dropped out after he was involved in a Friday night altercation at a Honolulu nightclub where he was tasered and had a champagne bottle cracked over his head WITHOUT GOING DOWN. 

As badass as it is to be unkillable, you should probably chill out on the fisticuffs Trent. Use your words man.

4. This ESPN Professional Bowling Association commercial:

Why are you trying to make Pro Bowling sexy? Stop.

-WST

The 10 people to avoid at a Super Bowl Party!

We are six glorious days away from the culmination of effort, intensity and all that other good shit.  So where’s the party?!  The Super Bowl has gone from a bragging rights championship game between the AFL and the NFL to a worldwide phenomenon. 

Every February across the good ol’ USA, people invite friends, family and strangers into their homes to eat, drink and celebrate America’s real favorite pastime.  Which brings me to you, you’re just happy to celebrate the third straight year without all the headaches of hosting a SB party.  However, there are pitfalls and nefarious types ready to spoil what should have been an excellent goodbye party as the Sport of Kings goes on hiatus for seven months.

The WST presents you with the 10 people to avoid at a Super Bowl party. (These are all based on real experiences & people!)

10. WING MAN

DESCRIPTION: Not to be confused with a loyal, trustworthy Wingman, the only chicks this guy is interested in are small, fried, and coated with delicious buffalo sauce. 

Buffalo Wings are hard enough to come by at a Super Bowl party without Wing Man loading up his plate and sucking them down like there’s a wing shortage in the country.  Wait a minute, there seriously is? Well, then THIS MAN MUST BE STOPPED!

WHAT TO DO: It’s fitting that the road to the Super Bowl requires a total team effort because it’s going to take a coalition of the willing to end the Wing Man’s reign of terror. 

 Get with other partygoers and purchase wings ahead of time, make sure they are hidden in the host's oven and they don’t come out until the disappointed Wing Man shows and has completed his onslaught of the other food.

 Once the second quarter begins, whip the napkins and bleu cheese (never ranch, you sick, deranged, freaks) out and blitz them before he can recover.  He may get one or two, but he’ll already be too full to do the damage he could have.

9.RAMBLIN’ & GAMBLIN’

DESCRIPTION: You want some action? Prop bets, point spreads, online wagers, squares, or straight up? Pick your poison. Ramblin’ & Gamblin’ is here for one reason, make money and he’s looking at your wallet the same way Wing Man was looking at that chicken.

 Any kind of interaction with this jagoff results in an encounter by the food spread in which he posts to face you with his back to the counter and gives you an uncomfortable nudge before subtly asking  “you wanna put $80 on the game?  Who you got?”

WHAT TO DO: There's only two ways to neutralize R&G;  first way is by saying no and walking away.  But you can’t say no, YOU’RE A MAN DAMN IT!

However, If you bet him and he wins, he’ll let you know about it for the rest of the evening into June.  If you win, he’ll just laugh it off as he’s already bet 10 other people and will just hand you someone else’s money.

Which leads us to option two;  Call him a pussy and tell him you want to wager triple the original amount. Watch his face get uncomfortable and walk away.  He’s already got too many other wagers plus a paycheck on this and can’t risk it.

8. SEAT-JACK

DESCRIPTION: Maybe he was drunk, maybe his house was on fire, maybe his wife was giving birth.  Tough shit, he’s late. Seat-Jack is late, it’s a packed room and he wants YOUR seat.  That’s right, the seat that YOU showed up early for, that YOU took your time picking, and that YOU had intention of sitting comfortably in all night because it’s the best seat. 

One ill-timed move to grab another beer or bathroom break and you’ll come back to this asshole sitting in your seat with a plate. like he was there all day.  To top it off he’ll either say “Shouldn’t have moved bro!” or “Oh, you wanted your seat back?”

WHAT YOU DO:  It’s childish, but remember to call “seat back,” or “squatters,” if you decide to get up with this type around.  Oddly enough, despite all the logical reasons why it’s your seat and everyone being in their later 20’s, it’s the only rule he’ll abide by. 

Threatening to jack him in the face on the spot messes up the party for everyone.  However, if you'd like to wait until after the party to jack him in the face…

7.  LOVESICK

DESCRIPTION: She could care less about the Super Bowl.  She didn’t come to this party to watch some dumb game.  She came to PLAY that game called LOVE.  See, she’s got a crush and has her crosshairs set right on your buddy.  The whole world can see it but he can’t. 

Lovesick will pull you aside and ask about your friend, you’ll ask if she wants you to put her on but she’ll decline because she wants him to notice her. Unfortunately, it’s the Super Bowl…tough day for that request sweetheart.

WHAT YOU DO: Actually this one is more of what you DON’T do; don’t sit next to him, she may try to do that, don’t offer to grab anything, she may want to do that, at halftime when he’s talking to you and she walks up, give some space and let her work. 

Whatever you do, don’t mention to your pal she’s into him.  You make it awkward or hard for her, she’ll take that effort she was putting forth to get him and use it to destroy you at a later date.  Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.  Besides you never know, things with them work out, she may introduce you to her cute friend down the road.

6. FACTOID

DESCRIPTION: Did you know Tom Crean, Indiana’s Basketball Coach is Brother-in-Law to John & Jim Harbaugh? 

Did you know 49ers RB Frank Gore backed up future NFL Players Willis McGahee, Najeh Davenport, and Clinton Portis on Miami’s 2001 National Championship Team?

 Did you know Ravens DT Haloti Ngata is related to Jabari Parker, the #1High School Basketball player in the nation?

Do you care about any of this?  No further explanation is needed.

WHAT YOU DO: The Factoid is a nice dude.  He just happens to know a lot of useless sports knowledge.  It’s kind of interesting when he inserts it in his blog, but not when he keeps rattling it off and you’re trying to watch the game.

 A simple “Jason…er…Factoid, no one cares,” usually will suffice.

5. THE SOCIAL NETWORK

DESCRIPTION: There are photos of you doing that keg stand during pregame on Instagram. Your witty remark about Colin Kaepernick “Kapping off that drive” was stolen and put on Twitter.  You see those angry voice-mails you’re receiving?  It’s because The Social Network tagged you at this party on Facebook and you told other friends you’d be watching the game at your folk’s place.

 Do want to curse him/her out?  You’re going to have to fit that rant into a text because the only way SN communicates is by phone.

WHAT TO DO: Dodge all pictures or use privacy settings on your FB so a request has to be made to tag you in anything.  Tweet any good jokes or comments before saying them out loud because you never know what douche is lying in wait to use them as their own. 

Most importantly, snatch SN’s phone during the game low key and place it on the kitchen counter afterwards.

4. RUN-STUFFER

DESCRIPTION: For the uninitiated, in Football, run-stuffer (or space-eater) is the name given to larger Defensive Tackles with a sole defensive assignment to just to take up space.   These fellas tend to the do the same thing. 

They can be yoked or they can just be a lot of man.  Whatever the case, any room they go into instantly becomes crowded and you really don’t want to be stuck on the couch for an entire game with them.

WHAT YOU DO: Run Stuffers will always look for the solo seats first.  However, if all chairs or recliners are taken, they will lay siege to a couch the same way a dragon does a castle.  Again, punctuality and teamwork is the key.  Make sure you get there early and hop on that couch first with a team of two or three.  If someone gets up and Run-Stuffer comes by, just go ‘Forest Gump’ and inform him “seat’s taken!”

3. VARSITY BLUES

DESCRIPTION: If this goon hasn’t let you in on the not-so-little secret that he used to play Football in High School or College within five minutes of meeting him, you’ll know right after the first big hit:

VB: WHOOOO!!! LIGHTS OUT!!!  HE GAVE HIM THE B. FARLEY-HINSDALE CENTRAL GAME- PERFECT FORM TACKLE!!! LET”S GO!!!!

YOU: What? Who’s Farley? No one knows who that is, you talking about Chris? Hinsdale Central?

Or after a kick-off return for a touchdown…

VB: GET LOOSE! SPEED KILLS BITCHES! THAT’S HOW D-ROC DID EM IN THAT GAME AGAINST CONCORDIA IN COLLEGE KID!!!!!!

YOU: The fuck is a D-Roc? What the hell are you talking about? Man, why are you yelling?

WHAT YOU DO:  Call VB out on the fact that he hasn’t played organized Football in five to eight years and to get on with his life.   Save that intensity for your weekend flag football team has-been.

2. EX-FACTOR

DESCRIPTION: Wow. This is why you should always try to keep a different group of friends than your ex.  You don’t who invited her but she’s here.  Is she here on a reconnaissance mission just seeing how you are?  Is she here with her new meathead of a boyfriend to show off?  Maybe she actually has an interest (yeah right) in the game?

Now it’s been some time since you’ve seen her, but you’d still prefer if you didn’t have to look at her because it brings too much regret. NO, not regret that things didn’t end well, regret that you didn’t kick her crazy ass to the curb sooner.

WHAT YOU DO: Be a gentleman, be civil and be a grown-up.  Even in the event she is just there to get a reaction out of you, you not giving it to her will piss her off more than anything in the world.

1. WILDCARD

DESCRIPTION: Racially insensitive comments? Check.  Offering to feed that one girl banana peppers from off his sandwich? Check. Using halftime to explain to everyone his views on why the world would be a better place if we all smoked weed? And Check. You don’t know what to expect from this crazy son of a bitch.  All that’s for certain is that he’s going to drink…a lot and once he’s loaded up, he’s a runaway freight train. 

WHAT YOU DO: AVOID HIM AT ALL COSTS. Watch R&G take him for every dollar he’s got.  Let Seat-Jack take his seat. Throw him on the couch with Run-Stuffer.  Tell The Social Network to snap those pics and expose him for the tool he is all over FB.  Allow Factoid to bore him with his knowledge of the Ray Lewis murder case and laugh as he somehow manages to charm and make out with Ex-Factor after throwing up.

If you are the poor bastard who brought WILDCARD to the party, here’s a tip: Taking care of him afterwards is like the rules to owning a Mogwai from those ‘Gremlins’ movies:

-Don’t get it near water (he’ll drown).

-Don’t feed it past midnight (he’ll puke).

-Don’t let it near sunlight (until the hangover ends)

-WST

FULL CIRCLE FRIDAY: Inaugurations, Pelicans, Trick Shots and Unsolved Murders

Welcome to a little something called FULL CIRCLE where I’ll give you a review of everything that happened this week in sports.

Note: From here on, the Friday Jam is strictly old-school Hip-Hop.

MONDAY

-The nation celebrated the life & legacy of Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. to the joy of many.  Meanwhile, the nation’s capital celebrated the second-term inauguration of President Barack Obama to the dismay and anger of well, people of don’t like Obama.

It is the policy of the WST blog to stay as far away from politics as possible as people tend to lose their damn minds when politics are brought up.

However there is one matter of the President’s inauguration coverage...

Dammit George Stephanopoulos! Aren’t you’re from Massachusetts? Doesn’t Bill Russell have a damn Celtics cap with his number on it? Do you see him Driving Miss Daisy?

I forgive you though George, I can sometimes confuse white people.  In fact I still think Dr. Phil and Jeffrey Tambor are the same person.

            -The Chicago Bulls Defeated the L.A. Lakers 95-83 behind Kirk Hinrich’s 22 points.  According to Yahoo! Basketball Writer, Adrian Wojnarowski, following the loss, Kobe Bryant stayed in the locker room as all teammates and coaches left.  In fact Bryant was sitting by himself well past midnight and still in his uniform as locker room attendants cleaned up.

He was probably trying to figure out how the hell KIRK HINRICH dropped 22 points on them.

TUESDAY

-Hall of Fame Wide Receiver Jerry Rice agreed with former Oakland Raiders teammate Tim Brown’s belief that then-coach; Bill Callahan intentionally sabotaged the team to lose their Super Bowl XXXVII match-up with the Tampa Bay Buccaneers. A game won by the Bucs 48-21.

 Both believe Callahan, currently Offensive Coordinator of the Cowboys, changed the game plan two days before the game from a ground-based attack to a pass-oriented offense with intent to throw the ball up to 60 times because he did not like the organization or it’s players

Bill Callahan is an awful coach. I have two-dozen Nebraska Cornhusker fans on speed-dial who could confirm that (27-22 in four seasons).  However, are two of the greatest WRs to play the game really complaining about being thrown the ball TOO much?

            -NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell announced that New Orleans Saints Head Coach Sean Payton would be reinstated effective-immediately following a season-long suspension for his involvement in the team’s bounty scandal.

While citizens of the city surely were happy with the news, it’s safe to say they are still not pleased with the commish…

That would be a float from the New Orleans Krewe du Vieux parade and it’s exactly what it looks like. Goodell being swallowed by a large…well…I mean I think it’s…yeah it is.

WEDNESDAY

            -By my own admission, the WST is not known as a big Tennis connoisseur, so someone please tell me where the hell did Sloane “Peterson” Stephens come from?!

The 19-year old defeated star Serena Williams in three straight sets in the Australian Open quarterfinals. 3-6, 7-5, 6-4.

Stephens’s victory was more surprising than me discussing tennis as Williams crushed her three weeks earlier in Brisbane.  In Serena's defense, she was hobbled by ankle and back injuries during the match.

Nevertheless the moral of the story is don't dick around shooting iPhone commercials and playing ping-pong with your sister because the young guns are hungry.

            -NFL draft bust and former Oakland Raiders QB JaMarcus Russell has announced that he will be attempting a comeback and working out at a Florida Football Academy. If you recall, Russell burned through a $31.5 million contract and is now 308 pounds thanks to a steady diet of purple drank and more fried food than the Kentucky state fair.

Someone should tell him throwing the ball around the parking lot of a Tampa-area Ponderosa Steakhouse is not a Football Academy

 The last time this guy called an audible was when he switched from the Taco Bell drive-thru to a Jack In the Box next door.

            -Finally, ESPN dedicated an entire episode of Outside The Lines to revisiting the aftermath of that whole double-homicide thing Ray Lewis was involved in 13-years ago.

They’re set to hire Ray the minute after next Sunday’s Super Bowl.  Little awkward? I guess if anyone can call you out, it’s the guys cutting those checks right?

I know Ray’s got to be like “Why you bringing up old shit?”           

             THURSDAY

-Last week on Full Circle, I summarized Lance Armstrong’s much-hyped interview with Oprah in about a sentence. This week, I’ll do the same for Manti Te’os much-hyped interview with Katie Couric.

He says he’s not gay and he’s sorry he lied to mommy and daddy.

This thing is reaching the “Fat kid trying to climb a gym class rope” level of amusement.

            -The New Orleans Hornets unveiled their new team name and color scheme beginning in the 2013-2014 NBA season:

I like the Pelicans name, it could be worse. It could be the New Orleans Lil Weezys.

FRIDAY

            -Johnny Manziel released a trick-shot video with the Dudes of Dude Perfect.

Is it real? Do I care? Not really. The kid is the most interesting College Football player in America. As for the best? Look up Jadeveon Clowney on youtube…

WEEKEND WATCH!

What you should be doing this weekend if you know, you’re not drunk or doing something better.

SEE MOVIE 43!

-There’s a lot of people in this flick; Halle Berry, Johnny Knoxville, Emma Stone, Jason Sudeikis, Anna Ferris, Richard Gere, Uma Thurman, Hugh Jackman, Gerard Butler and Brett Ratner just to name a few.

As for the plot, I have no fucking clue and the previews haven't helped too much.  If you check it out, let me know how that goes for you.

SEE PARKER!

            -Jason Statham not smiling, using that tough-guy English accent and smoking bad guys with roundhouse kicks.  So it’s pretty much the same as every other Jason Statham movie, only this one has J-LO.

WATCH THE ROYAL RUMBLE!

            -The Rock vs. CM Punk and a 30-man, over-the-top battle royal? Sold. I’m a geek. Deal with it.

WATCH THE NFL PRO BOWL!

            -Or go outside and play a game of flag football with your friends.  It’s pretty much the same thing!  In fact, the flag game probably offers more defense than what the Pro Bowl has become.

Another week in the books.  Be safe on those streets and have a good weekend people.

-WST

Sunday Funday: 10 things to do with The NFL gone.

It sucks doesn’t it? Do you have that empty feeling? That hole where your heart should be? That feeling of despair? Of course you do because after 20 weeks of fantastic play, the NFL season is over.

 Some read that "NFL season is over" part, rolled their eyes, and said, “The Super Bowl is next week ass.” Just give me a minute to finish.

Yes, the end of the season is technically a week away.  However, unless you’re a fan of the 49ers, Ravens, or have invested a sizable sum of money in the game, you don’t really give a damn about the Super Bowl or it’s outcome. You just hope it’s not a blowout.

  You don't watch with the same emotions that you have for your team during the regular season.

You don't watch with the same emotions that you would for a playoff game, where the opportunity just to get there is on the line and creates excitement.

That's cause the Super Bowl is more a social event with lots of distractions than an actual game.  You do things during that game that you would never dream of during the regular season. Like communicate with other humans on subjects other than Football. Terrible, I know.

 You’ll host or show up to a party, socialize, eat a shitload of food, struggle to find a good seat, drink, complain about Beyonce’s lip-syncing during the halftime show (women), and really only pay attention during the 4^th quarter. 

Afterwards, you’ll head home content, full, drunker than Robert Downey Jr. preparing for his next ‘Iron Man’ role, and without a care in the world.

You won't feel the thrill of victory, the agony of defeat, or the joy/pain of the inevitable riots & looting that await citizens of San Francisco and Baltimore following the game.

So as I said, the NFL season is over and you’ll need something to do now that your Sundays are free. 

The Well-Spoken Token is your savior and here with 10 ways to spend your Sundays until spring arrives when you can leave your homes and shanties.

NOTE: There's two #1's for obvious reasons...

10. Read A Book:

Let’s be real, the last time you did any kind of reading off your toilet was when you read that Fantasy Football strategy magazine the night before your league's draft and still ended up with Sam Bradford and Mark Sanchez on your roster.  Broaden your minds and read something.  Stephen King, Michael Crichton, Ernest Hemingway (hometown shout-out), Tom Clancy. Anything.  Hell, if you're a J.K. Rowling nut, grab that "Harry Potter" book dummy.  I currently have my nose in Jeff Pearlman’s “Sweetness,” a biography of Walter Payton and it’s quite a page-turner bitches.

9. Indoor Driving Range:

 It’ll be warm and time to head out to the links before you know it. You don't want to be the dude or girl that everyone has to wait on because you’re hitting more grass than a pot-head on a three-day weekend.  Go to a bubble range, work on that swing, have a couple cocktails, and talk to the really not-ugly college co-ed behind the front desk.

8. Watch That Show Everyone Else Loves:

 Look, The 'Walking Dead' is the best damn show on TV.  Everyone loves it.  Everyone spends Monday mornings talking about it.  Aren’t you tired of being the ONLY person who doesn’t watch? Whether it's OnDemand, Netflix or Hulu, use whatever you need to catch-up on past seasons or episodes.  That way, when it returns February 10^th, you won’t be the d-bag asking your friends or significant other too many questions.

7. Take A Road Trip:

Call in a sick day, load your friends in the car with booze, good tunes, and snacks to hit the road for a long weekend. Go visit that old buddy or cousin who has been begging you to come out and kick it in their city.  Check out a big college town and pose as students with an elaborate back-story (more fun than it sounds). Party and hang with people you’ll never meet again in a place you may never return to.  You’ll come back with two-dozen new stories to retell and annoy your other friends over and over.

6. Learn To Cook:

Will this make you irresistible to members of the opposite sex? Who knows? Does it hurt to mention you can throw down in the kitchen while on a date? HELL NO! I’m talking to both men and women here when I say learn to make SOMETHING.  Whether you use a cookbook, watch a show on the Food Network or just spend an afternoon with mom (love her), cook it up.  At the very least, you save dollars from not eating out plus you can now use your stove and oven for something other than broiled chicken, rice and veggies every night (bachelor living).

5. Channel Surf:

Have you ever seen ‘Scent of a Woman’ with Al Pacino and Chris O’Donnell? FUCKING FANTASTIC MOVIE!  Did you know it earned Pacino the 1992 Academy Award for Best Actor and was nominated for Best Director, Best Picture, and Best Adapted Screenplay? Three years ago, I didnt't know any of that shit. Three years ago, I hadn't even heard of it.  Now it’s in the WST’s top ten.  That's the power of channel surfing. Thanks Encore!

4. Exercise.  You Fat Ass:

You just spent the last four months every Sunday on the couch or in bars EATING.  Wings, Polishes, chips, pizza, jerk chicken, gyros, Italian beef, tacos, Chinese and subs.  Can't forget all the booze you drank while doing so.  The gym numbers are starting to decline a bit since the New Year’s resolution people have already given up. Now it's time to throw on the shorts and get a workout in fatty.

3. Watch the NBA:

With Football gone, it gives us all more time to enjoy America’s second favorite sport (look at how far you’ve fallen, Baseball).   They’re all here; Lebron, Durant, Derrick Rose (soon), Blake Griffin, Kobe, Chris Paul,  James Harden, even Rajon Rondo’s bitch ass.  As long as Charles Barkley and Shaq are around, NBA pre-game shows will always shit on their NFL, NHL & MLB counterparts. The NBA also has the best All-Star game, just never let your girl go without you.  Why you ask? Well would you enjoy the thought of her ending up as Metta World Peace's road chick?  Because that’s what happens to girls who go to NBA All-Star Weekend to party without their guys; they end up as road chicks that players "hit and quit" next time they're in your city. NEVER LET YOUR GIRL GO TO NBA ALL-STAR WEEKEND WITHOUT YOU! YOU GOT THAT? NEVER!!!

1. Have Brunch With Attractive Women: 

It's always good to have a diverse group of friends.  It’s even better when some of those friends happen to be good-looking women who happen to be friends with more good-looking women and they invite you and your buddy to join them for Brunch.  The pain of no more football is eased when there’s a lovely pair of eyes across (as well as to the left and right) from your Crab cake eggs benedict.   #BCB

1. Keep Watching Football: 

The Senior Bowl is this Saturday, the NFL combine is in a few weeks, watch Arena League Football, watch the Canadian Football League, go online and study up on college prospects for the NFL draft, watch nothing but NFL Network, watch the NFL draft, play Madden, go outside with some friends and toss the ball, count down the days until next season.

 CAN’T STOP, WON’T STOP, WATCHING FOOTBALL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Now, can you dig it?

           

The fun flaws of the Well Spoken-Token

I thought pretty hard about all my character flaws to discuss this week because I feel like I haven’t provided readers with too much of a background on myself. 

Some people know me extremely well but there are many who only see what I allow them too.

So here are my problems:  I’m obsessed with money, I can be arrogant and materialistic, I tend to overanalyze a lot, I’m very critical of myself, I have no middle ground; I’m a really nice guy or a raging asshole.

Welcome to the wonderful world of a Virgo.

You really didn’t think I intended to take responsibility for my own problems did you? I decided my Zodiac Sign is the perfect scapegoat. Can’t be my own fault, can it?!

I hit up the site, www.gotohoroscope.com basically because it was the first one that came up on Yahoo! It was here that I discovered the Basic Traits of a Virgo.

Holy shit, every flaw I have fits with it’s description!

People born in this period are as a rule general successful in life.

Not really a flaw! But it’s true! You’re reading aren’t you? Success! You love me! I know you do! I love you too! Well most of you!

Virgos are usually materialistic in their views of life and analyze and reason everything from their own way of thinking outwards.

Materialistic? Me? Never?  That? Oh that’s just the Acura truck. What’s that? Oh it’s just the Don Julio 1942 ($85 a bottle) we have been drinking while the game is on. Where am I? Oh, just in Ft. Lauderdale AND Miami by the beach. Like the pictures I plastered over Facebook and Twitter? Hey, remember the crushed velvet sweatsuits I wore in college? Fly weren’t they?

Wait a minute….

Virgos analyze and reason everything from their own way of thinking outwards.  These people are and attracted to only that knowledge that can be applied usefully.  They will happily share this information with anyone if it confirms their own usefulness in the world.

Me: “Hey! I’m a good listener and I already figured you out, tell me your problems so I can feel good about myself and provide you with my superior thoughts and intellect on it!  By the way, I‘m going to be pissed if you don’t take my advice.  I knew I should have charged you for my thoughts."  

"Did I mention I already figured you out?”

If Virgos develop a love for money, they will stop at nothing to acquire it, and this type is often considered cunning and crafty at the expense of others.

I once had an ex-girlfriend call me a money-grubber because I was at the point where I would rather spend time obsessed with work and money then continue to date her.  Who calls someone a money-grubber? More importantly who DOESN’T like money? 

I guarantee you whoever said “Money isn’t everything” was a rich guy.  All I know is that yes, he’s correct, it isn’t everything but it beats whatever the hell is in second place.

For the record, I don’t make it at the expense of others.  Except for that one score (I love saying score) where my surfer buddies and I dressed up as former U.S. presidents to rob banks but were infiltrated by this clown who looked like Keanu Reeves.

Wait, that was ‘Point Break’ wasn’t it?

Virgos are more capable of going to extremes in good and evil than any other type

DING! DING! DING! WE HAVE A WINNER! I am TOO nice and it’s rather awful, we all know from last week’s Wednesday Rant how nice guys can fare!

 I’ve put up with a lot of shit over the years, because people tend to take my kindness for a weakness. 

For instance, I had a friend come into town last weekend and she puts me on the spot and makes me in charge of getting people out for her birthday. I had a solid plan but we encountered a few miniscule problems that anyone would have.

 We parked our cars and had a FOUR block walk to the bar and a 10-minute wait in line and only thing I heard was her bitching. The whole time, I’m just taking it and it’s building up. I tried to hold it in too because it was still her birthday weekend but to no avail.

The end result was an appearance from ASSHOLE JAY. Asshole Jay is the result of holding in too much resentment, frustration, annoyance, and confusion.

While only seen by a few (you know who you are), Asshole Jay is vindictive and ruthless with a stare that would spook a gargoyle.

Asshole Jay is colder than a high school chick at prom with a pity date.

In love, Virgos are the most difficult to understand.  To people born under this sign, love is not dramatic, emotional or sentimental.  Love for them is devotion and will include love of family and friends.

And here I thought I just put up with some of my friends' shit because I was a chump.  Turns out its part of my love and devotion to them. Interesting.  

 I was also under the impression that girls weren’t feeling me just cause I tend to be a goofy weirdo.  Here that girls? I’m difficult to understand! You need to put in that overtime for the Well-Spoken Token.  This isn’t a normal Hershey Kiss here.  THIS IS GODIVA CHOCOLATE BABY AND I’M WORTH IT!

So don’t blame me, blame the fact that I was born between August 23 and September 22.

Are my flaws fixable? Certainly! But why do something about them? You aren’t doing anything about yours?

Are you working on being a better husband, mother, a better brother, sister or friend? Are you making an effort to change that smoking problem?

Excessive drinking?

Gambling problem?

Partying too much?

Lose weight?

Stand up for yourself?

 Are you trying to curb your spending on things that don’t matter? 

Are you trying to stop treating women like garbage?   Men like garbage? People in general like garbage?

You see having flaws is human nature

Recognizing them and making no attempt to better yourself is a whole other flaw in itself.

TWO THUMBS UP, FOUR THUMBS DOWN TUESDAY

Every Tuesday, I’ll be sharing the little life’s pleasures that make me jump for joy and the terrible, awful things I want to spit on.

Two Things that earned my love:

1. JR Smith smoking Kris Humphries after the Nets win last night:

JR Smith

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@TheRealJRSmith

Wasnt quiet when Kanye tore it down last month! RT@KrisHumphries: Big game tonight! The Garden got really quiet on the way out! #Brooklyn

21 Jan 13

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 You'll never win Kris...

2.  Summer 2013 pretty much just for this movie:

Four things that earned my scorn:

1. Wes Welker’s Wife:  Anna Burns Welker got a little pissy after watching her guy’s team lose to the Ravens and threw a few parting jabs at Ravens Linebacker Ray Lewis via Facebook..  Burns Welker brought up the fact that Ray has 6 kids by 4 different women, was acquitted for murder, supposedly paid off the family of the victims in those murders and suggested this behavior was not worthy of being called a Hall a Fame player. Anna is 2005 Miss Hooters International.  Just so you know how serious to take her.  Someone should inform her that the only thing that matters in determining a HOF player is what he does ON the field.  Someone should also inform her that my table is done with our meal and that we’d like the bill split.  UPDATE: She released a half-assed apology statement this morning via Larry Brown Sports Blog.  I hate when people do things like this, you know she meant every word of what was said.
2. Jumping the Gun:  So last week in TTFT, I told you the Rock would be wrestling in the Royal Rumble last weekend.  Turns, out I jagged and it’s THIS Sunday.  I know most people are either like “what?” or “who gives a damn?” but I’m a perfectionist bro.  I’m better than that!  I jumped the gun back in the fall during a Fantasy Football draft and almost took Victor Cruz right from under my buddy’s nose.  One problem though, I got too excited and tried to select him out of turn, my buddy caught on, took Cruz and ruined a beautiful dream of having him and A.J. Green as WRs in my lineup. Shit! Jumping the gun really blows
3. This high school wrestling match from Madison, South Dakota:

I'd say that's two points, near-fall for the light fixture.

4. Jim Harbaugh’s Face:  He’s 15 months YOUNGER than his brother (to the right for uninitiated) and looks like a crazy person compared to John. That’s what 12 seasons in the NFL will get you.