NBA (FOOD) PLAYOFFS: EASTERN CONFERENCE (OPENING ROUND)

The match-ups are all set and the NBA Playoffs begin Saturday.  While there’s sure to be a little drama involved, its safe to say barring injury, the Heat are almost certain to end up facing either the Thunder or Spurs in the finals. 

Due to this, I’ve decided to make it interesting and pick my winners based off the foods that each city is known for.  First up is the Eastern Conference with the West to follow later this afternoon.  Let’s get into it!

EASTERN CONFERENCE

1.) Cuban Sandwich (Miami Heat) VS. 8) Cheese Curds (Milwaukee Bucks)

THE STORY MIAMI:

Have you BEEN to the “Little Havana” section of the 305?  If I hadn’t of picked the Cuban, I’d have over a dozen Tony Montana wannabees at my door ready to introduce me to their “little friend” and that’s not my scene.

FEATURES: Cuban Bread, ham, roasted pork, Swiss cheese, pickles and mustard.

THE STORY MILWAUKEE:

It would have been easy to put Bratwurst up but anyone can make a damn brat.  However, I’ll give the freaks up North credit; they fry up some quality cheese balls over at Milwaukee Brat House. Yes, I know they're called “Cheese Curds” but the natives get irritated if you refer to them as cheese balls and I’ll never pass up an opportunity to piss someone from Wisconsin off.

FEATURES: Melted Cheddar, Grease.

THE VERDICT:  I’m sorry, but I’ll take a torta over a trumped up ham & cheese sandwich any day and let me know when it develops the hangover healing powers of Cheddar.  UPSET!!!! CHEESE CURDS MOVE ON!

4.) ‘NATHAN’S FAMOUS’ HOTDOGS (BROOKLYN NETS) VS. 5.) DEEP DISH PIZZA (CHICAGO BULLS)

THE STORY BROOKLYN:

You know that Hot Dog eating contest ESPN televises every 4th of July that the Japanese and skinny white guys usually dominate?  None other than Nathan’s Famous. 

Nathan’s started in 1916 in the Coney Island section of the borough, and had Brooklyn standing up long before the Dodgers, Jackie Robinson, Jay-Z, Hipsters or the Nets made it mainstream.

Features: Grilled Hot Dog in “secret spices”, Bun, Mustard AND Ketchup (sick fucks), Cheese or Chili (option).

THE STORY CHICAGO: 

Chicago is blessed with a couple options. The city has a pretty famous hot dog of it’s own or could go the Italian Beef/Sausage and Gyro route, but let’s be real, The pie RUNS the second city.  Doesn’t matter whom you roll with: Uno’s, Gino’s, Lou Malnati’s or Giordano’s.  Each has it’s own unique flavor and combine to dominate the country’s pizza landscape.

FEATURES: Cornmeal crust, lots of tomato sauce, enough mozzarella to clog an artery.

THE VERDICT:  Had Nathan’s a few years back in Vegas…good, but nothing special.  Not good enough to knock off the Deep Dish anyway.  You can call me bias since I’m from Chicago and you’d be exactly correct.  

Corruption is a part of life here; it’s just how shit gets done son. Blagojevich bitch!  DEEP DISH MOVES ON!

2.) HOT PASTRAMI ON RYE (NEW YORK KNICKS) VS. 7.) LOBSTER ROLL (BOSTON CELTICS)

THE STORY NEW YORK:

Their Pizza blows compared to Chicago’s so go to Katz’s Deli on Ludlow Street in Manhattan’s Lower East Side. I’m pretty sure the pastrami on rye is what gave Meg Ryan had an orgasm over in that “When Harry Met Sally” flick.

FEATURES: Smoked Pastrami, Rye Bread, And Spicy Mustard.

THE STORY BOSTON:

Boston is yet another city with multiple options:  I could have gone New England Clam Chowder (Chow-dah), oysters or any combination of Seafood but I opted to shoot for the stars and heaven with the Lobster Roll from Neptune Oyster Company to rep Beantown because I ONENA STAWT TAHKIN LIIEKE DICE YA FACK! Whenever I eat one.

Features: Butter soaked lobster meat, steamed hot dog bun, lemon juice.

THE VERDICT: That Lobster Roll is packed with flavor but if you get a pastrami sandwich made right, that spicy mustard will set that bad boy off.  PASTRAMI ADVANCES

3.) SHRIMP COCKTAIL (INDIANA PACERS) VS. 6.) CHILI DOG/PEACH PIE (ATLANTA HAWKS)

THE STORY INDIANAPOLIS:

Indianapolis is a surprisingly charming town but it’s not really known for anything food wise.  Well except, the FLAME Shrimp drenched in spicy cocktail sauce found at St. Elmo Steakhouse.  It’s a favorite of Peyton Manning, All the Pacers (even Tyler Hansbrough’s remedial ass) as well various NFL Agents and Coaches who come into town for the NFL Combine every February.

Features: Five jumbo shrimp, spicy cocktail sauce, lemon wedge.

THE STORY ATLANTA:

A-Town is home to The Varsity; an iconic local chain that opened in 1928, and today it’s main branch holds the title of the largest drive-in fast food restaurant in the world. 

That means it kicks Sonic square in the jaw.  They also have a kick-ass Chili dog so good; I’ve been known to put aside my infamous hatred of chili to eat it.

The peach pies will also make you spit on its apple-counterpart from the Golden Arches.

THE VERDICT: If the most famous dish is an appetizer, you’re in trouble Indy.  CHILI DOG/PEACH PIE INTO THE NEXT ROUND!

  

So the match-ups for Next Thursday’s Eastern Conference Food Semis are all set:

We have a good old I-94 match-up on our hands as fourth-seeded Chicago Deep Dish faces its neighbor/enemy/biggest suburb to the North in underdog Milwaukee Cheese Balls.

Meanwhile, two-seed New York Hot Pastrami faces off against surprising sixth-seed Atlanta Chili dog-Peach Pie Combo.

Make sure you check back later this afternoon for the Western Conference first-round picks!

-WST