WEDNESDAY RANT: Karma is a bitch...to my car!

So what you’re looking at above is my Acura.  It just finished having an eight day face-lift at Stelton Auto Body in Oak Park after someone took the liberty of smacking it around a bit.

I picked this car up in November 2011, and it’s already the second time I’ve had to bring it in for lengthy, major bodywork.

Two winters ago, a friend backed right out of a driveway and t-boned the front drivers’s door.

What’s worse is that someone was a friend and you can’t really bitch out your friends the same way you would a regular person on the street.  Got to hold back a bit.

Wait, I didn’t mention the friend is a girl, so now I have to hold back even more.  It’s not gentleman-like to erupt on a lady in public unless she really deserves it and it WAS an accident.

Cherry on top was that she started crying.  Now I have to abandon freaking out on her altogether.  I have to be the sensitive, understanding friend because she already feels like shit about it…

I don’t really blame her anyway, I blame myself, and I blame Karma.

I’m not going to delude anyone into thinking I know what I’m really talking about here, but I would like to think I believe and understand the basic idea of Karma:

The better person you are, the more GOOD Karma you build up, the more good things happen to you.

The bigger dipshit you are, the more BAD Karma you build up, the more terrible things happen to you.

Well in my world, outside of  tearing my MCL and ACL (another story for another time), there haven’t been many tragedies in my life.

My cars on the other hand, are an entirely different story.  SOMETHING always happens to them and I’m positive it’s the result of bad Karma.

It’s one thing to drive a piece of shit car.

 It’s another to drive around with what WAS a nice car and it looks like you don't know how to appreciate it. Shit hurts man.

My cars are like cursed/flawed Disney Characters…

The Beast was a good-looking bro until he pissed the wrong person off.

Cinderella was supposed to be beautiful, but confined to mopping shit up until fairy godmother rolled along.

That ho Ursula turned Ariel from a mermaid to a human, but took ol’ girl’s voice and made her a mute.

Since the fall, I’ve been driving around with a “Phantom of the Opera” SUV.  Right side looks great; just close your eyes for the left.

All because I clearly said something, better yet, did SOMETHING mean, or rude to someone at some point in the last year.

Think I’m crazy?  I’m really not joking.

In college, I was arrogant, destructive, rude, cruel, an all-out goon.  I also drove a 2003 Ford Escape….

-One night while I'm home on break, a drunken buddy tries to get out of the car, falls, and grabs the first thing he can to break his fall…

Took the whole right-side weather strip with him.  Cost me  $150 to have it repaired and a year later, one of my roommates does the exact same thing.

-Another time, I take a road-trip with some friends, and long story short; we end up almost crashing and stranded in the median on some empty stretch of Iowa Highway.  

Here’s some quotes from all the people we encountered that day:

Me: “Dude, I don’t know how the fuck we didn’t tip over!”

Dad(on phone): “Thank god you guys didn’t tip over.”

State Trooper: “I don’t know how you boys didn’t tip over.”

Tow Truck Guy: “Wow…good thing you didn’t tip over.”

 Mechanics at Ford Dealership: “You guys are lucky you didn’t tip over.”

Ford Dealership Manager: “You da the boys with the Escape? Damn good thing you didn’t tip over.  You guys Football players?  Damn Iowa and that damn Big Ten are so damn overrated!” ßIowa State Fan.

High School was even worse. By my junior and senior years, my douche level had reached a dangerous level.  I also drove a 98 Jeep Cherokee…

-Crashed into someone after dropping off one of the eight random "friends" who seem to pop up and ask for a ride home once word gets out you're the 17 year-old driving a Jeep.

-Separate incident, the biggest guy on our Football team hops on the front fender outside of an Oberweis because I was messing around and flung a little bit of Ice cream at a girl, she ducked, and it hit him.  

Few months later, I accidentally back into his car and leave a dent.  He demands payment, I refuse since his big ass didn’t pay shit to fix mine.

Then he eggs and tee-pees my car…

We hate each other so much, we have a fucking BOXING match in our friend, Gabe’s back yard. 

We have gloves, a timekeeper, a ref, AND corner men/managers.  Even had a guy recording the whole thing.

Like that's how dumb we are…

This kid and I go six rounds with a five-minute time limit.  Never mind neither of us have been in a boxing match, let alone conditioned for one.

  By round six, we look like chubby versions of Rocky and Apollo Creed in Rocky 2: just gassed, and swinging wildly at each other, trying to stay up. 

Our friends call the shit a draw.

He ends up with a busted lip and a cut under his eye.  I end up with a jacked up nose and an ice pack on you know what since he gave me a low blow.

They watch the tape and die laughing.  Everyone wins…except the two of us.

So yeah…Karma is a bitch.  I’ve turned over a new leaf though, so far this year I’ve made a better all-around attempt to be a better person to people other than my friends.

We’ll see how long that lasts though…

-WST