Unfortunately, on eight of them, it wasn’t really possible
to head out into the evening with my fellow fans and celebrate the greatness of
Chi-City.
Five months old with a knack for escaping my crib (I crave freedom)
when the Bears won Super Bowl XX…
in 98, I was just an acne-faced 12 year-old when MJ pushed
off of Byron Russell, hit that epic game-winner, and walked into the
sunset…I don't acknowledge the Wizards years.
An idiot Sophomore away at college who celebrated the White
Sox 2005 World Series title by attempting to chug six cans of Natty-Ice in five
minutes…until foam shot out of my mouth like a freshly popped bottle of
Champagne in a moment that will go down in infamy.
Then 2010 happened; first real summer on my own in the
city, Patrick Kane scored the OT winner; a goal so slick, people needed three
replays to realize what had happened and the most delayed championship
celebration in the history of sports was on.
That night, I started on the north side and
during my trek home, I met quite a few different types partying...
With the first of two Blackhawks’ opportunities to claim
Lord Stanley’s Cup tonight, let's go over the five you’re most likely to meet if Toews, Hossa, Kane, Sharp and the boys win the big one.
5. MISS KISS
MOST LIKELY FOUND: DePaul-area bars.
BIO: She’s so
happy! I mean REALLY happy! I mean
REALY touchy-feely. I mean she’s
all over your...wait, she’s done the same thing to every guy who’s so much as
looked in her direction? Better tell this drunk-ass broad to step off before she kills your vibe with any girl who ACTUALLY may be interested.
4. SHOT-CALLER
MOST LIKELY FOUND: Near a group of 21 year-old girls. The “Viagra Triangle.”
BIO: Is he rolling solo? Is he over 32? Did your friend just drag you over
because he’s offered to buy you and all your girlfriends shots in honor of the
new world champs?
Not saying he’s
a creep ladies, I am just saying it wouldn’t be too smart to let him isolate
one of your friends. Get no more
than three shots out of him and bounce out A$AP Rocky.
3. STREET KINGS
MOST LIKELY FOUND:
Madison Street. Halsted to Damen.
BIO: Let go
inside the mind of a SK…
“It’s a party,
right?! That means normal traffic
laws don’t apply at all, right?!
That means I can just stunt in the middle of the street with my shirt
off and go apeshit when I get someone to blow their horn, right?!”
2. RIOT ZOMBIES
MOST LIKELY FOUND:
Back of a paddy wagon. Wrigleyville.
BIO: What
better way to celebrate your city’s glory than trash it? RZs start out with a "patient zero," usually a male, one to 15 drinks past his limit...
Mix that with the joy of being a champion, and it's like a virus; he'll hit the open and is quick to locate, and team with similar-minded individuals who share one goal: RAGE AND FUCK SHIT UP!!
Mix that with the joy of being a champion, and it's like a virus; he'll hit the open and is quick to locate, and team with similar-minded individuals who share one goal: RAGE AND FUCK SHIT UP!!
Trying to flip that car with the cops 40 yards away may not
have been the best idea though…
1. WOOOOO KIDS!!!
MOST LIKELY FOUND:
Everywhere! Near news cameras.
BIO: You ever
watch a college game on ESPN and see a bunch of shit-faced kids in the cheering
section just IN the camera tugging and pointing at their shirts while throwing
up the single-digit?
Well those bros are all grown up, and clearly haven’t changed
their ways…
Drink and Celebrate responsibly kids. This has a been a WST Public Service
Announcement.
-WST
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