MONDAY
-Ahhh Memorial Day...
A day for fun by the pool and a trip to the movie theater to catch the latest Hollywood blockbuster.
or...
A grand opportunity for 330 pound Nose Tackles to BBQ and boogie to Lil' Troy.
Vince Wilfork is just the latest example of why big men are the best dancers. Never let the fat fool ya!
By the way, where the did he get that sweet industrial grill? IT MUST BE MINE!
-White Sox fan Eileen Despeera may have outed herself as a member of some secret ancient ninja when without hesitation, she nabbed Tyler Flower's runaway bat before it hit a baby right behind her.
You can't really blame the guy next to Despeera for ducking...I mean a flying ball bat is pretty wild.
Regardless he'll still be hearing how much of a bitch he is from his buddies for the next calendar year.
TUESDAY
-Dodgers Pitcher Josh Beckett threw the first no-hitter of the 2014 season Sunday and to celebrate Dominos decided they'd make 20,000 coupon codes for a free medium two-topping pizza available to any registered user on MLB.com.
One problem...they clearly didn't anticipate the power of free pizza! Hundreds of thousands flooded the site causing it to slow down, time out and by the time most people got through...
And no joke, fans were MAD son. Come on MLB and Dominos!
I know guys who stayed home from work so they could feed their FAMILIES with that free pizza dammit!!!
Nothing hurts worse than free 'za being dangled in front of you only to be snatched away. Bad form.
-Near washed-up rapper 50 cent threw an awful first pitch at the Mets game...
One problem...they clearly didn't anticipate the power of free pizza! Hundreds of thousands flooded the site causing it to slow down, time out and by the time most people got through...
And no joke, fans were MAD son. Come on MLB and Dominos!
I know guys who stayed home from work so they could feed their FAMILIES with that free pizza dammit!!!
Nothing hurts worse than free 'za being dangled in front of you only to be snatched away. Bad form.
-Near washed-up rapper 50 cent threw an awful first pitch at the Mets game...
Yeah, that was pretty awful, but I think this pitch fail could be all apart of ya boy Curtis Jackson's latest scheme...
I'm just saying 50 looks like he kind of knows what he's doing beforehand and oh wait, his new album drops June 3rd?! WHAT A COINCIDENCE!!
Any publicity is good publicity.
So there you have it, all just crafty move to generate some buzz but did he really have to throw it that wide left?
Couldn't he just get it more to the right "just a lil bit?"
WEDNESDAY
-I'd really like to watch a game with Heat Fan Grandma just so she can fix me a Reuben and I can nod approvingly during every rant.
She's a diehard fan too. She's been a watching Miami since Chris Boshes roamed the earth.
-What happens when some genius bastard combines the footage of children gleefully sprinting to the stage as they're announced as finalists in the Scripps National Spelling Bee with one of the greatest theme songs in pro wrestling history?
Stay tuned as contestants are eliminated with a steel folding chair to the dome following a misspelled word.
THURSDAY
-Rangers beat the Canadiens to move on to the Stanley Cup Finals where they'll await the winner of the Kings-Blackhawks series.
NBC execs have also creamed their pants in jubilation as the New York victory assures a matchup featuring two of the top three television markets.
Also, the Spurs bitch slap the Thunder 112-89 to take a 3-2 lead in the Western Conference Finals as Kevin Durant finds himself one game away from well-earned time-off to finally figure out a way to explain the concept of being a sidekick to Russell Westbrook without getting stabbed.
I mean have you seen the guy?
Something's off about that dude.
Sorry Magic Johnson, your plan to set Sterling up and take the Clippers for yourself failed.
You didn't really think they'd allow your ass become an owner did you? One black dude is the limit for that club bro and that position is already filled.
NBC execs have also creamed their pants in jubilation as the New York victory assures a matchup featuring two of the top three television markets.
Also, the Spurs bitch slap the Thunder 112-89 to take a 3-2 lead in the Western Conference Finals as Kevin Durant finds himself one game away from well-earned time-off to finally figure out a way to explain the concept of being a sidekick to Russell Westbrook without getting stabbed.
I mean have you seen the guy?
But fuck ALLLLLL that shit right now because let's talk about....
A pet-peeve of mine is when people bastardize a pretty decent slang term.
Now in the past, I've managed to suppress the urge to kick people who do this down a flight of stairs but my patience is wearing thin...especially after I saw the following in my twitter feed the other day...
"Chased after the bus in my high heels!!!! #BEASTMODE"
No.
I'm not going to freak out but it's time for a ruling...
The following is list of situations and places where the state of Beast Mode as well as the term is acceptable:
-Playing/watching a sport.
-During intense training in the gym.
-Rapping
-A dancefloor (beware of sweat).
-You're playing Altered Beast for SEGA Genesis...
-And of course, if you're this guy...
Now for a list of places and scenarios where Beast Mode is completely unnecessary:
-The bedroom...sorry, but you're not Lexington Steele.
-Church
-Grocery stores and/or farmer's markets.
-Chasing down your bus or train.
-The bar (one way ticket to douchetropolis).
-Baby showers.
-Eating (fat shit).
-Doing your laundry.
-The PGA Tour.
-Company Picnics.
Get it? Got it? Good!
Failure to comply will result in buying me lunch...
And a forearm from Marshawn Lynch!
-Former Microsoft CEO Steve Ballmer agreed to pay $2 Billion Dollars to purchase the Los Angeles Clippers from dipshit scumbags Donald and Shelly Sterling.
Sorry Magic Johnson, your plan to set Sterling up and take the Clippers for yourself failed.
You didn't really think they'd allow your ass become an owner did you? One black dude is the limit for that club bro and that position is already filled.
FRIDAY
-7-11 announced that they'll be releasing a Lebron James "Sprite 6" slurpee later in June.
And just like Lebron you'll love it, then hate it, then hate it even more once you realize how good it is before finally coming to the realization that you should just respect it.
WEEKEND WATCH!
What you should be doing this weekend if you know, you’re not drunk or doing something better…
WATCH THE NHL WESTERN CONFERENCE FINALS!
Both the Kings and Blackhawks put on a show during the Hawks 5-4 double OT victory Wednesday night. Will the encore live up to expectations?
SEE A MILLION WAYS TO DIE IN THE WEST!
Seth McFarlane steps into the ring to challenge "Blazing Saddles" for the greatest Western spoof of all time title.
GO SHOPPING FOR SHORTS!
Much needed as I've got one too many pairs of cargos but if you think I'll be buying any of that tight chino shit that some of these clowns out here rock, you'll be sadly disappointed.
Both the Kings and Blackhawks put on a show during the Hawks 5-4 double OT victory Wednesday night. Will the encore live up to expectations?
SEE A MILLION WAYS TO DIE IN THE WEST!
Seth McFarlane steps into the ring to challenge "Blazing Saddles" for the greatest Western spoof of all time title.
GO SHOPPING FOR SHORTS!
FRIDAY SHOUT-OUT!
Recognizing whomever the hell I want!
Shout-Out to Maya Angelou!
We, this people, on a small and lonely planet
Traveling through casual space
Past aloof stars, across the way of indifferent suns
To a destination where all signs tell us
It is possible and imperative that we learn
A brave and startling truth
And when we come to it
To the day of peacemaking
When we release our fingers
From fists of hostility
And allow the pure air to cool our palms
When we come to it
When the curtain falls on the minstrel show of hate
And faces sooted with scorn are scrubbed clean
When battlefields and coliseum
No longer rake our unique and particular sons and daughters
Up with the bruised and bloody grass
To lie in identical plots in foreign soil
When the rapacious storming of the churches
The screaming racket in the temples have ceased
When the pennants are waving gaily
When the banners of the world tremble
Stoutly in the good, clean breeze
When we come to it
When we let the rifles fall from our shoulders
And children dress their dolls in flags of truce
When land mines of death have been removed
And the aged can walk into evenings of peace
When religious ritual is not perfumed
By the incense of burning flesh
And childhood dreams are not kicked awake
By nightmares of abuse
When we come to it
Then we will confess that not the Pyramids
With their stones set in mysterious perfection
Nor the Gardens of Babylon
Hanging as eternal beauty
In our collective memory
Not the Grand Canyon
Kindled into delicious color
By Western sunsets
Nor the Danube, flowing its blue soul into Europe
Not the sacred peak of Mount Fuji
Stretching to the Rising Sun
Neither Father Amazon nor Mother Mississippi who, without favor,
Nurture all creatures in the depths and on the shores
These are not the only wonders of the world
When we come to it
We, this people, on this minuscule and kithless globe
Who reach daily for the bomb, the blade and the dagger
Yet who petition in the dark for tokens of peace
We, this people on this mote of matter
In whose mouths abide cankerous words
Which challenge our very existence
Yet out of those same mouths
Come songs of such exquisite sweetness
That the heart falters in its labor
And the body is quieted into awe
We, this people, on this small and drifting planet
Whose hands can strike with such abandon
That in a twinkling, life is sapped from the living
Yet those same hands can touch with such healing, irresistible tenderness
That the haughty neck is happy to bow
And the proud back is glad to bend
Out of such chaos, of such contradiction
We learn that we are neither devils nor divines
When we come to it
We, this people, on this wayward, floating body
Created on this earth, of this earth
Have the power to fashion for this earth
A climate where every man and every woman
Can live freely without sanctimonious piety
Without crippling fear
When we come to it
We must confess that we are the possible
We are the miraculous, the true wonder of this world
That is when, and only when
We come to it.
Traveling through casual space
Past aloof stars, across the way of indifferent suns
To a destination where all signs tell us
It is possible and imperative that we learn
A brave and startling truth
And when we come to it
To the day of peacemaking
When we release our fingers
From fists of hostility
And allow the pure air to cool our palms
When we come to it
When the curtain falls on the minstrel show of hate
And faces sooted with scorn are scrubbed clean
When battlefields and coliseum
No longer rake our unique and particular sons and daughters
Up with the bruised and bloody grass
To lie in identical plots in foreign soil
When the rapacious storming of the churches
The screaming racket in the temples have ceased
When the pennants are waving gaily
When the banners of the world tremble
Stoutly in the good, clean breeze
When we come to it
When we let the rifles fall from our shoulders
And children dress their dolls in flags of truce
When land mines of death have been removed
And the aged can walk into evenings of peace
When religious ritual is not perfumed
By the incense of burning flesh
And childhood dreams are not kicked awake
By nightmares of abuse
When we come to it
Then we will confess that not the Pyramids
With their stones set in mysterious perfection
Nor the Gardens of Babylon
Hanging as eternal beauty
In our collective memory
Not the Grand Canyon
Kindled into delicious color
By Western sunsets
Nor the Danube, flowing its blue soul into Europe
Not the sacred peak of Mount Fuji
Stretching to the Rising Sun
Neither Father Amazon nor Mother Mississippi who, without favor,
Nurture all creatures in the depths and on the shores
These are not the only wonders of the world
When we come to it
We, this people, on this minuscule and kithless globe
Who reach daily for the bomb, the blade and the dagger
Yet who petition in the dark for tokens of peace
We, this people on this mote of matter
In whose mouths abide cankerous words
Which challenge our very existence
Yet out of those same mouths
Come songs of such exquisite sweetness
That the heart falters in its labor
And the body is quieted into awe
We, this people, on this small and drifting planet
Whose hands can strike with such abandon
That in a twinkling, life is sapped from the living
Yet those same hands can touch with such healing, irresistible tenderness
That the haughty neck is happy to bow
And the proud back is glad to bend
Out of such chaos, of such contradiction
We learn that we are neither devils nor divines
When we come to it
We, this people, on this wayward, floating body
Created on this earth, of this earth
Have the power to fashion for this earth
A climate where every man and every woman
Can live freely without sanctimonious piety
Without crippling fear
When we come to it
We must confess that we are the possible
We are the miraculous, the true wonder of this world
That is when, and only when
We come to it.
-A Brave and Startling Truth (1995)
1928-2014 R.I.P.
Wrapped up like a gift on Christmas Morning! This is stimulating, but we're outta here!
-WST
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