Thursday, July 3, 2014

FULL CIRLCE THURSDAY-BANNED IN THE U.S.A.

All the stories you know, and ones you don’t, but should. Welcome to FULL CIRCLE THURSDAY.

SUNDAY
-Let's be honest, in addition to world-class soccer, the World Cup offers a hell of an opportunity to get fucked up in the name of jingoism.

So it's kind of a total dick move for any and all news show producers to send their cute little correspondents into the field knowing things like this can and will happen...
I'm not even mad.  He saw an opportunity and took it.

-The Dodgers had a comfortable lead on the Cardinals so their bench demonstrated fundamental teamwork in playing the ol' 'hot-foot' gag Scott Van Slyke. 

Best Part: Vin Scully is in the booth to narrate....
"Something is rotten in Denmark."

Hamlet in the middle of a ball game...Scully is so fucking smooth man.  

He could make a staff meeting on a Friday afternoon cool.

MONDAY
-Incoming Texas Tech cornerback Nigel Bethel II was booted from the Football team when he punched Senior Amber Battle, the Lady Raider's leading scorer because sometimes shit gets real in intramural basketball.

On one side, this kid is a pretty big scumbag and a dumbass for getting kicked out after a whole five seconds on campus.  

On the other, I understand...have you ever heard Kliff Kingsbury rap?  
Just saying you'd want to punch someone in the face too.

-Royals pitchers Bruce Chen and Francisco Yordano Ventura hit up a Minnesota strip club ahead of the their game against the Twins.

Wait...they have those up there?  Please tell me there's one called The Twin Titites.

Anyway they picked the wrong pole jockey to stiff on a tip as the dancer was none other than @feministstripper, a stripper/writer with a talent for putting pro athletes on blast...
Well nobody likes cheap-asses but in their defense...
$20 bones was more than generous.

TUESDAY
-NBA Free Agency is off and running as the Melothirst 2014 tour's first stop is Chicago where the case of offensive dehydration is so real, even notorious waffler Derrick Rose showed up and allowed Mr. Lala Anthony to see he's still got it...
Despite what sounded like an overall good visit, I still don't think Mel-Man is going to leave New York and more importantly, $30 million dollars on the table...

But if he did, I'd be crazy impressed as it would be the first time in his life he decides to pass.

-Pen-Mate of the Year may be the last award ex-Patriots TE Aaron Hernandez ever wins but he'll always be Mr. July in the 2014 Florida Gators Wall Calendar.
Now (was) available at your local Florida-area Target.  Buy one, it's a BLAST!

WEDNESDAY
-Purple drank and shitty Rap music capital Houston was the next stop for Melothirst 2014 as the Rockets showed off their creativity by doing the exact same thing the Bulls did.

 Except the Bulls didn't manage to piss off an irrelevant Point Guard in the process with their photoshop...
Awwwww...shut the hell up Jeremy Lin!  Fuck you think you are?  Reverend Run?  

All pissy and shit because the Rockets took your jersey and put it on a guy they don't even know if they'll get!

You're a Harvard kid so I know you were listening when the team made it clear to everyone that if they felt they had a shot at landing Melo, they'd  trade you and Omer Asik.  

Well they already shipped THATJudd Reinhold-looking motherfucker to New Orleans.

Don't know why you're worried anyway, H-Town's not getting Carmelo...
They have ONE black hole on defense already.

BUT FUCK ALL THAT SHIT RIGHT NOW..SUPERMAN IS ALIVE!!!!
Marvelous game from U.S. Goalkeeper Tim Howard in what may be his last World Cup.  Dude stopped a record 16 shots and despite the USMNT's 2-1 loss to Belgium, America loves him and rightfully so.

Now that I have Howard's kudos out of the way, time to be an asshole...
It's a damn good thing Howard stopped 16 shots cause he was the only thing keeping it from a 7-1 final.  Look at Belgium's shot map....ridiculous!
All that damn "boycott waffles, chocolate, Belgian beer and Jean-Claude Van Dam" slander and those cats got in America's ass bro.

Truth be told, the good ol' U.S.A. had a shitty World Cup.

Ghana dominated them but they snuck one out, they blew it against Portugal and got diced against Germany.  They stumbled into to the knockout round ass-backwards.

I kept hearing about how Jurgen Klinsmann's training regimen supposedly made sure they were the fittest team in the tournament.

I guess that's good when you spend the entire match chasing motherfuckers.  And if they were so fit, why did one of them pull a hamstring every 10 minutes? 

This team scored less than a fat kid on prom night...you realize the U.S. had gone 206 minutes without a goal before future American (and German) soccer hero Julian Green knocked one in the 107th minute Tuesday?

But hey, it's not like there was anyone else Klinnsman could have selected to the team to help with that lack of offense...

At the end of the day, everyone knows the best American athletes don't play soccer, but can we please stop acting like the ass-whipping we all witnessed Tuesday is really a reason to be satisfied?  

 Hell they were ready to flip cars when Spain got dropped in the group stage.  

 Am I saying Americans should flip our shit? No.  

 I'm just saying the sport won't be taken seriously in the country until Americans start holding the teams to a higher level.

BTW, Fuck Michael Bradley.  NOBODY likes him.  Seriously, he's like USMNT's answer to Mario Chalmers.

-In the second instance this week of pro athletes being stingy on the tip, NFL Hall of Famer Warren Sapp got put on blast for stiffing a waitress during the Belgium-USA match because she supposed kept calling them "boys."
You know who else doesn't tip Warren?  Bankrupt pieces of shit.

THURSDAY
-Usually if you play your boss in anything, you're supposed to let him win...however Patriots owner Robert Kraft found out the hard way...
Regular rules don't apply to Gronk.  His domination of the summer continues.

WEEKEND WATCH!
What you should be doing this weekend if you know, you’re not drunk or doing something better…

BLOW SHIT UP!
Just don't be these guys...
The first one wins!  Seriously though, don't die.

WATCH BADASS AMERICAN MOVIES!
Top Ten movies for the 4th:
1. Rocky IV
2. Indiana Jones & The Last Crusade
3. 48 Hours
4. The Patriot
5. Big Trouble in Little China
7. The Delta Force
8. Inglorious Bastards
9. D2: The Mighty Ducks
10. Invasion U.S.A.
Good watching right there!

WATCH THE WORLD CUP!
Yes, just because the U.S. is out, they are indeed still playing.

THURSDAY SHOUT-OUT!
Recognizing whomever the hell I want!

Shout-Out to Tim Howard!
I mean who else?  His shine level is high right now so any and every idea must be considered to increase his visibility even more.

My suggestion?  A theme song...
Yeah...that should definitely be playing anytime he walks on the pitch once he gets back with Everton and the Premier League.
Enjoy the holiday, my hiatus is over, see you next week!  And don't ever let me catch you guys in America!

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