Athletes as role models? I'll pass.

It’s no secret I like Ray Lewis.  I enjoy the intensity in which he plays the game of Football and the way he’s led and motivated teams of grown men on the field, every Sunday, September to January for the past 17 years.

He is the greatest Linebacker of all time.

Someday, I hope to have children. And hopefully I’ll have boys and they’ll be able to look at old clips of Ray and appreciate the player he was.

I don’t have anything against having a girl, I would just feel sorry for any little bastard who tried to show up at my door with thoughts of getting on my daughter.

But again, I want my kids to watch Ray because it would allow me to teach them that regardless of whatever sport (hopefully Football, but it doesn’t matter) or activity they choose, they have to approach and prepare in the same manner as he has if they want to be great at it.

What I’m saying is I want my kids to play like Ray Lewis, the Football player I don’t want them to BE Ray Lewis, the person.

Why? Because on January 31, 2000, following a Superbowl XXXIV party in Atlanta, Ray along with some friends were involved in a fight with another group that resulted in the stabbing deaths of Jacinth Baker and Richard Lollar.

Lewis and his two friends, Reginald Oakley and Joesph Sweeting would end up being question by police and 11 days later, indicted on Murder and Aggravated assault chargers.  The chargers on Lewis were later dismissed as he testified against Oakley and Sweeting.  Lewis then pleaded guilty to a Misdemeanor obstruction of justice charge as he admitted he gave police misleading information on the day of the killings.

Oakley and Sweeting were later acquitted of the chargers.

You see professional athletes are not role models.  They can choose to be if they please as the true worth of a person is not determined by what they do for themselves, but for someone else. 

Athletes can create charities, work with the youth, speak out against issues domestically as well as abroad but they do not owe it to society to do so. Remarkable talents or not, they are still human, just like us, and like humans, they are still capable of adultery, corruption, crime, lying or other sins.

The only mandatory responsibility pro athletes have as role modes is to showcase what can be accomplished if the maximum amount of time and effort is put in the realm of sports.

Charles Barkley was the first athlete as a kid I remember telling me to not be like him and I LOVED him for it.  Don’t get me wrong, I am a Bulls fan and Michael Jordan is the greatest of all time, but Barkley was just REAL you know? 

 Barkley was (and still can be) a womanizer, degenerate gambler and wasn’t shy about fighting or boozing.  The fact that he did those things wasn’t what made him cool to me, it was the fact that he recognized those flaws about himself and was okay with what he was: a human being with vices.  He just happened to be an amazing basketball player.

Frankly that’s all I wanted him to be, it didn’t matter to me what he did off it.  The other stuff is his personal life

For years, we have been putting athletes on a pedestal and idolized them as gods. When things go wrong, our entire world crumbles because we associate their play on the field or court with what we believe is their character off of it thanks to a friendly smile or demeanor on camera and crafty PR work.

 If my kid plays basketball, I want him to practice hard enough to play like Jordan but not be like him as a person because Michael Jordan is an asshole.

I want my kid to run a football like Walter Payton but not be Walter because even HE had his own personal demons with painkillers and extramarital affairs.

I want my kid to be an amazing golfer like Tiger, but not be Tiger, because then he’d spend all his side time messing with Perkins Waitresses once he makes it.

The list goes on: Lombardi, Ruth, Taylor, Bonds, McEnroe, Ali, Strawberry, Irvin, Petino, Sanders, Johnson, Riley, Chamberlain, Halas, Kobe.

All great athletes and coaches, but no one I would keep in my “Top 5 role models” list or would want my kids to be like outside of having their skills.

Role models should be people you know, see and actually have a personal impact in your life.  They should be the ones who have been there for you and will always be there in your heart after they’re gone.

 So on this day that we celebrate the life and legacy of Dr. Martin Luther King, I want to give a shout-out to all the parents, aunts, uncles, grandmothers, grandfathers, siblings, friends, teachers, coaches and mentors.

Keep doing what you’re doing because some may say it, some may not, but the legacy you’re leaving is much more valuable than just some face on TV.

FULL CIRCLE FRIDAY: So Manti Te'o had a awful week...

Welcome to a little something called FULL CIRCLE where I’ll give you a review of everything that happened this week in sports. (January 14-18)

MONDAY

-The Chicago Bulls dismantled the Atlanta Hawks Monday at the United Center, 97-58.  The Bulls set a team record for points allowed and limited the Hawks to only five in the second quarter.

The victory was highlighted by this Taj Gibson dunk where Mortal Kombat's Tsang-Sung is channeled as Taj informs Anthony Tolliver that “YOUR SOUL IS MINE!”

When asked to explain the embarrassing performance, Hawks coach Larry Drew responded that they were just trying to prepare the city for a even bigger letdown during the NFC Championship Sunday.

TUESDAY

-Lance Armstrong contacted the U.S. Government and offered five million dollars along with a personal snitching session for a Federal Investigation. 

Armstrong’s goal was to make the Feds forget the fraud rap he’s facing for taking U.S Postal Services $30 million from 1999-2004 in a sponsorship deal that banned doping in the contract.

The Justice Department rejected the offer and but probably not before giving him the "really dude?" look. 

You know that look, that’s the look you give a friend when he asks to borrow $80 and after two weeks, just gives you $33.

-Kissing your bicep was dubbed “Kaepernicking” and became a thing.

That’s cool and all. I like Colin Kaepernick.  I’ve been watching him since his Nevada days (truth), but he may want to find a new endzone celebration because…

“Big Poppa Pump” Scott Steiner has been doing that for years and I’m pretty sure he’s not going to appreciate #7 biting his style. Who wears chainmail armor?

WEDNESDAY

-Manti Te’o, dude... what the hell are you doing?  When you were shining, you said you met your non-existent dead girlfriend, Lennay Kakuna following a 2009 Stanford game.

Now that shit has hit the fan, you say you met online and were hoaxed? Hoaxed!?

What dating sites were YOU using? Zoosk? Plenty of Fish? Mormon Singles? Let me know so I can steer clear of all of them.  I can assure you this doesn’t go down on blackpeoplemeet.com.  

If you really were duped, I gotta inform you that YOU HAVE TO BE A PRETTY DUMB MOTHERFUCKER TO GET DUPED FOR FOUR YEARS!

If your own people really were playing you, I’d find Ronaiah Tuiasosopo, put him in a sleeper choke, and never let go.

 Notre Dame and Athletic Director Jack Swarbrick (talking about Catfish, making me hungry) publicly say they got your back like the best friend in a bar fight. I have no clue why would do so.

They should be like “Um yeah… I think you can handle this one” and slip out the side door.

And to any looney ND fans that believe Manti is really innocent and wrongly accused, I hear the Penn State sympathizers would like to set up a spring softball game & picnic with you in the near future.

How many years before the movie comes out starring the Rock? And who plays the role of Kakuna, who only HE can he see?

ESPN is at fault too.  They had the damn story before the National Championship game and sat on it.  You guys apologize for Grandpa Brent Musburger gawking at a hot chick within 24 hours, but you SIT ON THAT FOR 10 DAYS?!

-Marc Trestman, former head coach of the Montreal Alouettes, decided to say "‘Au revoir" to Canada’s City of Saints and was announced as the new HC of the Chicago Bears.

Meanwhile, back in the Windy City, creepers and Lincoln Park frat bros said "Bonjour" to his two not-ugly daughters…

-Oregon coach Charles Kelly, who also goes by Chip, made like one and also dipped to the NFL. I know it sucks Ducks but he’ll be taking the flying quack attack offense to chilly Philly, where you’re a dummy if you think it’s always sunny, but that “O” could be slick, quick, and sick if properly ran with Jackson, McCoy and Vick.

 I like Philadelphia, it's an pretty cool city, but it wouldn’t be pretty if I got too shitty and ran afoul of Hood Kingpin, Marvin Harrison and his North Philly Committee.

Album dropping soon.

-Finally on Wednesday, several news outlets reported that a brawl took place between at least ten USC football players in the locker room following the team’s 21-7 New Year's Eve Sun Bowl loss to Georgia Tech.

According to ESPN’s unnamed source, the trigger for the incident was a younger player “badmouthing injured QB Matt Barkley”. 

The unnamed source probably also mentioned that he hadn’t seen so many dudes fighting over a pussy since renting the movie 'Troy'.

THURSDAY

- Darnell Dockett’s “Wanna go to King of Diamonds?” tour stopped at Manti Te’o twitter page as he offered to cheer up the Irish Linebacker with a midget stripper on the house.

1. Manti Te'oVerified ‏@MTeo_5

   Chillin with my boys @e_reid1 and @BjoernWernerFSU#grindmode

   Details

 

DARNELL DOCKETTVerified‏@ddockett

@MTeo_5 bro we all make mistakes, fuck it, Mann lets just go to KOD and ill find u what u looking for. You like midgets got a bad one 4 you.

Te'o likes invisible girls, he might like a midget. Did I mention I now follow Dockett on Twitter?

-Penn State is back in news as it was announced that Al Pacino is set to portray legendary football coach Joe Paterno in “Happy Valley,” a film based on Joe Kopanski’s best-seller  “Paterno.”

Brian De Palma is set to direct the film, the third featuring he and Pacino following ‘Scarface’ and ‘Carlito's Way’

‘Scarface' had “Say hello to my little friend!”

‘Carlito’s Way’ had “Here comes the pain!”

Will ‘Paterno’ have “I never heard of, rape, and a man?”

-Part one of Lance Armstrong’s much-hyped confession with Oprah aired last night but it was pretty much stuff we already knew:

He did it and he’s an arrogant prick. Why was it one hour 30 minutes?

FRIDAY

-The Florence Freedom of the Independent Baseball league has announced that it will be holding a Manti Te’o girlfriend bobblehead day in late May.

The first 1,000 fans into their stadium will receive an empty bobblehead box.  The promotion will feature a pretend kiss cam for fans to show some public display of affection with their invisible guy or girl.

This is actually happening.

 You remember when you woke up 48 hours ago and Manti was a good guy?

WEEKEND WATCH!

What you should be doing this weekend if you know, you’re not drunk or doing something better.

SEE THE LAST STAND! 

-Arnie & Johnny Knoxville take on a drug cartel boss fleeing to Mexico in a fast car. 

I am disgusted that I just wrote that sentence.

If you really want to see this, save yourself $20 and grab a copy along with two other movies for ten bucks from the bootleg movie man outside of Walgreens or CVS.

SEE BROKEN CITY!

-Corrupt cop who's really from Boston vs. corrupt mayor who's really from Australia set in New York. That’s pretty much the plot.

COUCHCATION!

-I’ve been out a lot.  No major plans this weekend and nothing good out means I need to keep my ass inside. Maybe my girl will stop by. Oh I didn't tell you I was off the market?  Yeah we met just a few days ago, Lennay Kakuna introduced us...

AFC & NFC CHAMPIONSHIP SUNDAY!

-Ravens @ Patriots: It’s a rematch of last year’s championship game and there’s no awful kicker to miss Field Goals this time around. Ravens 31-27.

-49ers @ Falcons: I accept that Matt Ryan has a shitty beer for a nickname. That's what he'll be on the couch drinking by this time next week. The 49er Defense is a whole lot dirtier than the Dirty Birds. 49ers 40-20.

HARBAUGH BOWL!!!!!

Enjoy the weekend.

Marc Trestman and The Bear Truth.

Later today, The Chicago Bears will hold a press conference to officially introduce Marc Trestman, former head coach of the Canadian Football League’s Montreal “Alloutee, gentille” Allouettes (see what I did there?). 

Now while the announcement of the hire came Wednesday, last Friday, former coach and FOX NFL Analyst, Jimmy Johnson pretty much spilled the beans by Tweeting  a congratulations (WST mentioned this in FULL CIRCLE) to Trestman.

 Jimmy Johnson is not the type to just tweet shit unless he knows something concerete. So I took it seriously and read up on Marc Trestman and here's a little of what I know:

I could tell you he worked as Jimmy Johnson’s Quarterbacks coach at Miami in the 80’s.

I could tell you Scott Mitchell & Jake Plummer had their best seasons under his tutelage during tenures in Detroit and Arizona

In 2003, Rich Gannon won NFL MVP and took the Oakland Raiders to the Super Bowl with Trestman as his offensive coordinator.

I know that in 2008, he left the U.S. to become a head coach with the Alouettes and led them to the Grey Cup (pretty much the Canadian Super Bowl) in his first year, but lost to the Calgary Stampeders. 

He then proceeded to win back-to-back Grey Cups in 2009 & 2010.

In 2012, he was the runner-up for the Indianapolis Colts head coaching position that ultimately went to Chuck Pagano.

I know in the off-season, he trains college QBs for the NFL Combine and pro days. The names of past clients include Tim Tebow (no), Brock Osweiler, Jimmy Clausen, Brandon Weeden, Jason Campbell and some sour-faced fella named Jay Cutler.

He has five years of head coaching experience with 31 years of coaching overall between college, the NFL and CFL.

So in retrospect, he fits the profile of what the organization told the media they were searching for and what the fans were clamoring for: an offensive-minded coach with a fine reputation for developing QBs.

Does any of this mean he’ll be successful? No.  Does it mean he is QUALIFIED? Hell yes.  Like any job, PERFORMANCE cannot be evaluated until the work starts. Got to give the man at least 8 games into the 2013-14 season.

Woke up yesterday morning, turned on the car radio, checked facebook, checked twitter and it was exactly what I expected: Fans bitching!  Why?  Well the two other candidates for the job, Bruce Arians of the Colts and Darrell Bevell from the Seahawks weren’t selected.  

The logic offered to why either would have been a better pick?

“DAT RUSSELL WILSAM HAD A GOOD SEASONS, WE SHOULD HAVE PICKED UP DARRELL BILSON! HE LIKES TO USE PLAY-ACTION.”

“DOSE GUYS DON’T GIT IT, WE SHOULD HAVE HIRED BRUCE ARYAN!”  HE RAN THAT TEAM WHILE PAGANI HAD CANCER!”

“KANADA FOOTBALL LEAGUE?! WHO IS DIS GUY TRESTLER? WE GOTTA RUN FORTEMAN MORE. TERRIBLE HIRE!"

Some silly bastards were angry coaches who weren’t even remotely considered for the job didn’t get it.

 WE SHOULD HAVE GOT GRUDMAN, COWLER, OR FRANK LENTI FROM MT. CARMEL HIGH! 11 STATE TITLES AND HE’S A SOUTHSIDE GUY. MY BROTHER RICHIE WORKS WIT HISS CUSIN!

And of course..

“WE NEED DA KOCH TO GET IN CUTMAN’S FACE. BRING BACK DITKA”

Stop it! No! No! No! No! Dumb! Dumb! Dumb! Dumb!

I love the Chicago Bears.  Anyone who knows me two minutes can figure that out, but a lot of our fans are MORONS.  I am not joking; the Bears may own the dumbest damn fanbase in the NFL!!

I have one person who's theory was that if Trestman knows the fans aren't expecting much, he'll try harder.  Damn it, he's a head coach!  He's always trying!  In fact, I shouldn't have even let myself get baited into the argument.

Never get into a Football operations argument with a guy who' has only won two games in two seasons of Fantasy Football.  Two games! Trust me, it's not like he wasn't trying either.

I’m just so sick of the Neanderthal, Super-Fan, Grabowski, Super-Bowl Shuffling, Ditka loving, can’t forget 1985 mentality most fans in this city carry. In fact, fuck Mike Ditka!

You know what Mike Ditka is? 

He is a drunk ass, egomaniacal, prick who’s treated as a god in this city because he wasn’t dumb enough NOT to ride the legs of Walter Payton and a dirty defense full of men who would KILL YOUR MOTHER if she showed up to take snaps in a different colored jersey!  Then he forgot to let Payton score a TD in the Super Bowl!!

I was only 5 months old when they won it all and I know that!

This season, our QB and coach had to ask our fans to shut-up when the offense is on the field and people got pissed about it!!!!

Damn, I thought yesterday was supposed to be the rant!

Wednesday Rant: Nice Guys? Wrong Game.

“I am so done with dudes right now, I just attract jerks, I just need a nice guy, all they want is sex, all men are assholes, there are no good men out there, men are just stupid.”

Being a guy and hearing this out of a woman is awful. 

It’s worse than those damn Twilight movies and their false pretenses of romantic Vampires.

Vampires are stone cold, heartless PIMPS damn it!  They’re done making those movies right?  If they make any more, I hope Count Chocula pops up with a razor and cuts Robert Pattinson. Slow.

I've reached the point where I'll listen to a Ke$ha album over a lack of quality guys complaint.

Am I a nice guy? I have my moments, triumphs and embarrassing failures as one. 

I once had a girl tell me I’m TOO nice. That I was the type a girl someday marries, not dates in high school. 

I can appreciate honesty, but damn, that just sounds like some cold-blooded shit doesn’t it?  Did this broad just tell me my best bet is a developmental contract?!

“You got potential and heart, kid, but you’re not ready for the show.  Work on being a dick for a few years, keep hustling. MAYBE it will pay off for you.”

Am I bitter? Not really.  There's times where I was screwed over, but I'm not innocent either.  College really sticks out.

It’s just irritating because so many women know they're bullshitting when they say there's no nice guys out there.

There are plenty of nice guys out there. I’ve played ball with them, worked with them, gone to school with them, kicked it with them, called them friends.

Truth is if a woman is looking for a nice guy, she doesn’t want just ANYONE; she wants the nice guy that SHE created.

It’s like the 7 year-olds who drag their folks to Build-A-Bear Workshop, where $30-$50 is spent creating what could be bought for 12 bucks anywhere.  However, that custom teddy probably feels a lot better snuggling up to than whatever the hell they’re selling at Toys-R-Us.

It’s like me at a Five Guys Burgers.  WENDY’S? NO! I’D RATHER SHELL OUT 18 BONES AND TOSS ON BACON, MUSHROOMS, GRILLED ONIONS, JALEPENOS AND HOT SAUCE BECAUSE THAT SHIT IS MORE DELICIOUS!  I EVEN NAMED MY CREATION. I CALL IT EL GUAPO!!!

The same way we customize food, phones, computers, television, Facebook and Twitter, some women have the habit of taking that “asshole” guy and trying to tailor him to fit her wants and needs. 

Never mind they usually already know four to eight good guys; men who could instantly provide them what they claim they're looking for.

Chivalrous fellas who will open doors, send Flowers, and can be taken home to visit parents without embarrassment

Ain’t nobody got time for that! Too easy apparently!           

I know women who treat the idea of going after those types like Buck hunting with an Uzi, no sport in it. 

Women enjoy the chase just as much as men do.  If they didn’t, they wouldn’t go after the same types over and over with the same results.

Females will take d-bags, losers, cheaters, bros, meatheads, lames, sexists, drunks, gamblers, thugs or womanizers and try to make a new one from scratch like a damn episode of Martha Stewart’s Living.

A determined woman may succeed too.

I think the female ego holds a pipe dream to create a gentleman from a jackass.

You know, the guy who disrespects her.

The dude she has to pick-up for a date.

That clown who tends to just play games with her head and heart.

The prick that rarely ever calls and when he does, he’s drunk and it’s just to come fool around.

However, just like that teddy bear or burger, customization always costs a little extra, and the price for that type of man is usually putting up with a lot more drama and bullshit. 

To think otherwise is silly.

Two Thumbs Up, Four Thumbs Down Tuesday

Every Tuesday, in the honor of the late, great, Rick James, I’ll be sharing the little life’s pleasures that make me jump for joy and the terrible, awful things I want to spit on.

Two Thumbs that earned my love:

1. The Rock: The Great One is back and wrestling at the Royal Rumble this weekend? Looks like he's still got it.

I may just order that PPV, get a pizza and a bunch of Moutain Dew for a 1999 throwback Sunday Funday.  I may have to stop by the parents house see if they still have my old Playstation and Resident Evil 2 in the attic?

2.  This shirt courtesy of Falcons RB Jacquizz Rodgers  (via Deadspin):

That’s awesome! Let me try: Gotta take a Quizz, It's just Quizzness, Pop Quizz Hotshot! Okay, I’m done. Wait, I lied. Quizz Knows Bitches! Now I’m done.

Four Thumbs that earned my scorn:

1. Lance Armstrong:  Although it won’t be aired until Thursday, Lance taped an interview with Oprah Winfrey last night where he confessed to using Performance Enhancing Drugs to win the Tour De France.  I have a confession of my own: I could not give a damn about Cycling, but I once was caught cheating on a test in Mrs. Lawrence’s second grade class.   Worst day ever. Folks were pretty pissed.  Think I could get Maury for my interview? No? Steve Wilkos then?

2. Titans Wide Receiver Kenny Britt: His brother gets stabbed early Sunday morning and Britt  takes him to the hospital, refuses to cooperate with police and then dips out faster than a bowl of Tostitos. Is he his brother’s keeper? Hell no apparently…
3. The last real weekend of Football: After Sunday, it’s just the Super Bowl, followed by a deep, dark, void until August. At least we have the NBA right?  Please get back Derrick Rose. But not too soon! We need you 100% ready.

4. Leg Day at the gym:  Sore legs, plus a naturally clumsy big man, multiplied by icy Chicago streets, equal a potential natural disaster if I slip…

The NFL Playoffs: Who Knew? (part 2)

 I should have known Sunday was going to be strange the second I turned on the TV just in time to catch Mark Wahlberg crash and burn through the FOX pre-game intro.

The fuck is he doing on my TV? I mean what kind of insight and analysis can he offer me right now?  How to Executive-Produce every show on HBO?

The only time I want to see Marky-Mark on my TV is to watch him hurl insults and one-liners in that sometimes entertaining, “Southie Boston” accent he does like this.

Anyway, I felt confident that I could finish the weekend 2 for 4 on my picks.  

The Atlanta Falcons had established a rep as the band kids of the NFL; talented, but not getting past first base anytime soon.

No one outside of Houston seriously thought the Texans could beat the Patriots.

I watched the Atlanta-Seattle tilt at a Bowling alley in the burbs since one of my best friends was having a birthday party for his son and who doesn’t love cake? 

My buddy’s kid seriously may have more friends at age four than I think I have now and trying to move around was like navigating a loaded mine field.  One wrong step, and I would have a moat of tears and a pissed off parent on my hands.

To avoid destroying a child, I ended up spending most my time in the lounge with a pint, a couple other friends and maybe one dad who you could tell was just envious as shit watching us drink.  He could only check the score every few minutes, or risk his kid wandering off and becoming property of the joint.

The bartender was rocking an authentic Matt Ryan jersey and I thought he was the sorriest son of a bitch on earth as the Falcons raced to a 20-0 half time lead but managed to choke it back to the Seahawks and were down by one with under a minute left.

Meanwhile, I was feeling validated, I started doing what I do best; talking shit to my guys.  Saying I called it and whatnot.

 I was feeling myself so much; I decided to crow a little bit on Facebook just so everyone could see what a big ass genius I was to have guessed a Football team would choke….

Just like Saturday, who knew?

Who knew that even after Ryan offered up a Golden Globe worthy performance of Tony Romo for almost the entire fourth quarter, he’d suddenly snap out of it and drive his team into field goal position thanks to some soft-ass coverage?

Who knew Pete Carroll would attempt to ice Matt Bryant with a timeout on a kick that missed?

So you know what happened next, Bryant gets another kick and....

Game.

Me: “OH SHIT”

People on Facebook: “HAHAHA, DUMB BASTARD!”

Bartender:  SMUG “KISS MY ASS!” GRIN.

You know what? Fuck Matt Ryan. Nothing irks me more about him than the fact that he owns the douchiest nickname in pro sports anyway.

Matty Ice is a name you hear during a Golf Pros and Tennis HOs party at some lame ass frat.  OOHHHHHH SHIT BROSEPH, WE GOT MATTY ICE IN THE HOUSE!!!!!!

As for the second game of the day, who knew I would actually get a pick right? Patriots win!

But who knew Gronk would bonk his forearm again and miss the rest of the season.

Who knew Brandon Spikes did a little popping and locking in his spare time?

So I finished the weekend 1-3.   That’s pretty awful and it probably means my picks should be regarded as a kiss of death.

If that’s the case, let’s go Patriots and Falcons.

Dare I say Harbaugh Bowl in New Orleans?

The NFL Playoffs: Who Knew? (Part 1)

SHIT, how about those NFL playoffs over the weekend!!! They left me with such a feeling of satisfaction, I thought I would need a smoke and a Turkey Sandwich afterward and those were just Saturday’s games.

The NFL postseason teaches us that streaks, records and previous matchups don’t mean shit on that given day and this weekend was no exception. 

Last Friday, in Full Circle, I made what I felt were all pretty headstrong picks and went with the Broncos, Packers, Patriots and Seahawks.  

I'll discuss the Pats and Hawks later but I'd like to focus the day one games, Broncos (vs. Ravens) and Packers (vs. 49ers).  

Both lost and I went 0-2, but damn, who knew?

Who knew Joe Waka Flacco Flame would make it rain on Denver like a tax refund at the strip club?  

The fella may look like the result of a menage a troi between two Muppets (Sam the Eagle, Bert) and Adam Carolla, but he brought his big-boy pants.

Who knew Ex-Champ Bailey, the gold standard of cornerbacks in the league for years, would just wake up Saturday morning and have such a mediocre game, that it would invoke two-dozen bad “Colorado smoking/burning marijuana” jokes.

And why would I be dumb enough to doubt the will of this Man:

 AND THAT WAS JUST AN INTRO TO A VIDEO GAME!!  DOESN'T THAT MAKE YOU JUST WANT TO DO SOMETHING GREAT AND THEN GO JACK SOMEONE IN THE FACE?!!!  THAT GUY COULD MOTIVATE ME TO DO ANYTHING!

If Ray Lewis were my physics professor, I would be a master Chaos Theorist.

If Ray Lewis were my personal trainer, dates would request to eat their dinner off my abs.

If Ray Lewis told me to take a murder rap for him, I, well, you know what? Not going there.

Also, who knew Jim Harbaugh and the 49ers offense would toss their playbooks and just develop their entire game plan around a couple hours of NCAA Football on XBOX?  Read-Option? Really? Colin Kapernick rushed 183 yards to the tune of it.

Who knew that the Packers defense would keep falling for it like a young kid sibling who's afraid to use the bathroom at night because you told them there's a monster waiting to maim them under the bed?

So Ray Lewis wins and the state of Wisconsin loses?  Beautiful. I could deal with zero for the day if that's the result.

Citizens of that hellhole to the North, don’t fret.

The Bulls and Fighting Illini were both Champ Bailey’d by the Bucks and Badgers in hoops last week, so you got that going for you.  Freaks.