MONDAY
-Memphis Grizzlies Guard (and certifiable lunatic) Tony Allen would like you to know his son puked on him.
-Memphis Grizzlies Guard (and certifiable lunatic) Tony Allen would like you to know his son puked on him.
Interesting...seems his son only plays well in spurts just like his old man!
TUESDAY
-Sabres Winger Patrick Kaleta decided he wasn't getting his ass whipped enough in a fight so he decided to help out...
-Sabres Winger Patrick Kaleta decided he wasn't getting his ass whipped enough in a fight so he decided to help out...
Maybe he's just checking to make sure his haymakers are working.
I can hear Hockey fans now....
"DUHHHHHHHHH PRIMADONNA LEBRON NEEDS OTHER THUGS TO PUNCH HIM! SELFISH! IN HOCKEY, IF THE TEAM NEEDS YOU TO WHIP YOUR OWN ASS, YOU SAY HOW MANY SWINGS COACH?!"
WEDNESDAY
Why you should hate them: They totally ripped off that "12h man" thing from Texas A&M and they know it! Another title only means they're one step closer to being a dynasty and you need look no further than Pats fans to know how that usually ends up. They don't want to pay Beast Mode and he's the real key to to their success.
Their fans think the fact they don't jaywalk during a championship celebration makes them hip...
WATCH THE NFL PLAYOFFS!
What? You think I just wrote all that shit just to tell you all to go see a movie?
WATCH UFC: JONES VS. CORMIER!
Wanna know a secret? They really don't like each other!
-HAPPY NEW YEARS!!!!! HERE'S PITBULL DOING HIS BEST JOHNNY MANZIEL IMPRESSION....
DALE!
THURSDAY
-Ladies and gentleman, meet Shawn Oakman...6'8 280 pounds of pissed off human being.
This guy looks like a boss at the end of a video game! In fact...
I'VE SEEN THIS GUY BEFORE!
The Super Shredder survived and had a fucking family!
-There really is no other way to describe how Ohio State and their fans are feeling towards the country right now...
Outside of that though, nobody won. This was a true Stalin vs. Hitler match-up.
Big Ten fans are giddy that the Buckeyes stuck it the SEC's top dog but deep down inside, they know they hate Ohio State more than they love their own children.
FRIDAY
-IT'S TIME....FUCK ALL THIS SHIT RIGHT NOW!
IT'S THE WST'S NFL PLAYOFF HATE PRIMER!
As usual, my favorite time isn't in it (they can go eat a dick) so it's time to break down this years participants and remind you why none of them are worthy of hoisting the Lombardi trophy a month from now.
So let's cut the bullshit and get into it:
6. Baltimore Ravens
Record: 11-5
How they got here: With no help from fucking Ray Rice. The Chiefs and Chargers pissing playoff berths down their legs.
Why you should like them: RB Justin Forsett, who as far as I know, doesn't beat up women in elevators. Steve Smith will talk shit to anyone...
Why you should hate them: These people...
5. Cincinnati Bengals
Record: 10-5-1
Seed: 5th
How they got here: RB's Jeremy Hill and Giovanni Bernard playing keep away from Andy Dalton.
Why you should like them: Those GEICO commercials featuring former Bengals All-Pro Ickey Woods...
Why you should hate them: Cincinnati is home to Skyline Chilli...
You know your town is a piece of shit when the landmark food is a plate of noodles topped with diarrhea and cheddar.
You know what I call that? Being broke with one thing in the fridge and two in the pantry.
It's almost guaranteed Andy Dalton is going to fumble the ball twice and throw a pick-six. If I were AJ Green, I'd spend every morning taking a shit on his doorstep.
4. Indianapolis Colts
Record: 11-5
How they got here: By default...outside of JJ Watt, the AFC South blows.
Why you should like them: Andrew "Shrek Jr" Luck led the league with 40 touchdown passes and is the future. T.Y. Hilton's emotions...
Why you should hate them: Trent Richardson is still on the team. They're owned by this guy...
3. Pittsburgh Steelers
Record: 11-5
How they got here: Le'Veon Bell doing everything: running, catching, selling popcorn, taking tickets, doing pat-downs at the security gate and doing the postgame designated driving for their drunk, overweight fan base.
Why you should like them: Bell...duh. Antonio Brown's occasional need to kick a bitch-ass punter in the face...
Why you should hate them: By far the second most obnoxious fan base in the NFL (I'll get to the first later). They're everywhere since their city sucks and has no jobs.
While they're just second best in the dipshit fan department. They stand alone when it comes to awful team fight songs...
Oh don't forget, you can't spell "rape" without Ben Roethlisberger.
2. Denver Broncos
Record: 12-4
How they got here: Manning and his forehead
Why you should like them: Von Miller is that dude. If you want to pop a molly and party, Wes Welker is your man...
Why you should hate them: Am I the only person on earth who thinks Manning's commercials are atrocious or do people just act like they are funny because he's a star?
Who the FUCK makes their own Chicken Parmesan sandwich? They're actually selling these t-shirts before the game and I promise Bronco fans will wear them pridefully. Wish I could tell you it's because they're all blazed as fuck but that's not a good enough excuse.
1. New England Patriots
Record: 12-4
How they got here: That dreamy Tom Brady and the defensive genius of Bill Belichick, pictured here...
Why you should like them: Brady swears like a drunk uncle on Thanksgiving and Rob Gronkowski has the mind of a toddler but the man knows how to have a good time...
Why you should hate them: Boston-area fans have gone from the type you could feel sympathy for to downright whiny and arrogant in the last 10 years. Anything you have ever wondered about Boston women can learned by watching TED...
Fuck all these teams. Now to the NFC...
6. Detroit Lions
Record: 11-5
How they got here: A top-three defense less prone to stupid shit and the calming (if you can call not saying anything ever) influence of Head Coach Jim Caldwell.
Why you should like them: Tight end Joseph Fauria is a dance gawd. DeAndre Leavy has quietly turned into one of the best linebackers in football, grows a quality beard and likes standing in dimly-lit rooms for the dramatic loner effect...
Why you should hate them: Exhibit A...
And exhibit B...
5. Arizona Cardinals
Record: 11-5 (Still wondering how they pulled that off)
How they got here: God. How else can you explain that record despite losing your two top linebackers (before the season), best RB, starting and backup QBs?
Why you should like them: You have no soul if you don't like Larry Fitzgerald. Bruce Arians is a damn good coach and dresses like that limo driver who took you to Senior Prom...
Why you should hate them: Rooting for them isn't realistic. They've been a good story but thinking they actually have a shot with Ryan Lindley taking the snaps is a waste of your time and frankly, theirs.
The Cards play in Glendale, Arizona which is lorded over by forever-evil Maricopa County Sheriff Joe Arpaio...
4. Carolina Panthers
Record: 7-8-1
How they got there: The ineptitude of Drew Brees and Matt Ryan.
Why you should like them: Cam Newton almost DIED, came back a few weeks later and led his team to an NFC South title-clinching victory. Luke Kuechly is tackling goblin with a little bit of Brian Urlacher in him...that is if Brian Urlacher had actually been likable as a person.
Why you should hate them: They're 7-8-1, in the postseason and get to host a damn playoff game. I'm not feeling that shit one bit. Did you forget the their best defensive lineman, Greg Hardy is on suspension for threatening and tossing his girlfriend on the world's least comfortable mattress...
I didn't.
3. Dallas Cowboys
Record: 12-4
How they got here: The running of DeMarco "Spray Tan" Murray. Who yes indeed, will FUCK your wife. Also, the greatness of Dez Bryant, who can make even Tony Romo look elite in December!
Why you should like them: Murray, Bryant and blue-chip offensive-linemen Travis Frederick, Zack Martin and Tyron Smith. Those dudes would maul your sister if a game plan called for it.
D-coordinator Rod Marinelli has done a hell of a job with a defense basically consisting of criminal Rolando McClain...
and 10 rolls of charmin extra-soft.
Why you should hate them: If you live outside of Texas, why wouldn't you hate them? There are seriously so many reasons to dislike this team and fan base, I won't even go too in-depth. Romo pretty much had an error-free season so you know it's about that time for this guy to show up...
2. Green Bay Packers
Record: 12-4
How they got here: Aaron "Snozzy McSmugfuck" Rodgers is the only reason but frankly, that's also the only one that matters.
Why you should like them: The NFL's MVP award is basically just the pro-Heisman but McSmugfuck deserves it. He's also banging Olivia Munn so respect on that. Eddie Lacy will die soon, but he's a bowling ball with legs so enjoy that while you can. Jordy Nelson is a "grinder" who "works hard" and does all the shit white people cream their pants over...
Why you should hate them: Every fan base has their share of drunks, racists, know-it-alls and morons but I can't think of a more spoiled and pretentious group of people than Packer fans.
The worst part is they're lame as fuck...
These people get strokes from excitement anytime Rodgers does some basic-bitch shit like drink a grape pop or photobomb someone.
These people still get hyped whenever their stadium plays 1983's greatest hits...
These people are so used to winning, when they lose, they freak and probably ponder if they should try to sell the worthless pieces of paper the team suckers them into buying by calling it stock.
Their way to saying fuck you to their oldest rivals is a fucking polka song and they think it's cool!
I'd like to go to a Packers bar during one postseason with a pot, wait for every moment Clay Matthews blows his assignment on a read-option play, and use their tears as a base for some stew.
Speaking of which, I once watched a Vikings-Packers game with some Green Bay fans and one of them corrected me when I ordered cheese balls rather than cheese curds....I wanted to jump over the table and snap his fucking neck.
1. Seattle Seahawks
Record: 12-4
How they got here: Being a nastier, more complete team than everyone else.
Why you should like them: Richard Sherman irritating America with his WWE-style interviews. Marshawn Lynch being a dick to the media and getting away with it. Pete Carroll's over-enthusiasm any time there's a score. Russell Wilson just out-smarting defenders, Michael Bennett's "Ravishing" Rick Rude sack dance...
Why you should hate them: They totally ripped off that "12h man" thing from Texas A&M and they know it! Another title only means they're one step closer to being a dynasty and you need look no further than Pats fans to know how that usually ends up. They don't want to pay Beast Mode and he's the real key to to their success.
Their fans think the fact they don't jaywalk during a championship celebration makes them hip...
Fuck all these teams too! Enjoy the postseason everyone!
WEEKEND WATCH!
What you should be doing this weekend if you know, you’re not drunk or doing something better…
WATCH THE NFL PLAYOFFS!
What? You think I just wrote all that shit just to tell you all to go see a movie?
WATCH UFC: JONES VS. CORMIER!
Wanna know a secret? They really don't like each other!
FRIDAY SHOUT-OUT!
Recognizing whomever the hell I want!
Shout-Out to the Oregon Ducks! Why? Jameis Winston knows why! Two days in and we may already have the troll of 2015.
#200 over with and I'm going to keep rolling. Let's do big things in 2015 all! What is the problem with Michael Jackson?
-WST
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