MONDAY
-Did you have a bad weekend?
Ya know...nothing going on?
No room at the restaurant?
Weather ruin your plans?
Car get a ticket?
Party was lame?
Gym crowded?
Fuck your petty problems, try having Paul George's year!
Millionaire pro Basketball player sounds real rough, right?
In less than a year Paul George has...
1. Had his play consistently questioned by fans and media.
2. Was cat-fished by a dude.
3. Had his mansion broken into and robbed.
4. Knocked up a stripper.
5. Accused of sleeping with Roy Hibbert's fiancee.
And the cherry on top of that shit Sundae? Friday....
(WARNING: DON'T LOOK!)
(DON'T DO IT!!)
(JUST CLOSE YOUR EYES AND SCROLL PAST!!!!!)
(YOU DID IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)
Get the point? Paul George had a worse weekend than you...I mean I'm sorry you shelled a ton of coin and didn't get to bang your Tinder date but hey, at least you didn't surfer a gruesome leg injury on national television right? Am I right?
-Somewhere in the world, there is a place...
and in this place, sheep stand peacefully on the side of a road...
Because on this road, these sheep wait...
to show any schmuck who travels down it's path what true speed really looks like...get loose!
Get it an NFL contract!
Methinks Baltimore's front office could use a short-term replacement for Ray Rice.
BREAKING: Forget it...Roger Goodell announced that he has just handed Sheep here a FOUR game suspension!
Seems he likes the "grass" a little too much.
TUESDAY
-The San Antonio Spurs continue to be better at everyone else when it comes to basketball and basketball-type things by hiring WNBA star Becky Hammon to their coaching staff.
With the move, Hammon will become the NBA's first female assistant coach. However, someone better let her know to not be offended or take it personally when Boris Diaw asks her to make him a sandwich....
-The San Antonio Spurs continue to be better at everyone else when it comes to basketball and basketball-type things by hiring WNBA star Becky Hammon to their coaching staff.
Because he asks EVERYONE to make him sandwich.
-Cubs fans know a little thing or two about disappointment...but the future offers promise as North Side capo Theo Epstein has spent the last couple of seasons assembling a treasure trove of young talent.
One of those potential gems made his debut Tuesday in uber-prospect Javier Baez and for one night, he did not disappoint...
Whoooooooooo! Holy Cow! Cubs! Wrigelyvillle! Ronnie Woo-Woo! Frat Bros! World Series 2016!
Shit, my bad....I meant 2061.
WEDNESDAY
-Former Lions QB Scott Mitchell has gotten huge (366 pounds) and will appear on the Biggest Loser this Fall.
He spent five years in the Lions organization...I don't know if he'll win but he's definitely worthy of the title.
-Death by musical chairs. Just watch....
That guy is dead right? I'm not kidding, he very well may not be alive. He got smoked!
Shoulders square, head-up, follows all the way through with the hit.
That, my friends, is a blonde-haired cruise missile.
THURSDAY
-Someone at ESPN has stick up their ass as Highly Questionable host Dan Le Batard was given a two-day staycation (four day weekend!) for trolling LeBron James with this billboard in James' hometown of Akron, Ohio.
I don't really see anything wrong, but the sign would be more accurate if it read,"You're welcome, Miami fans. Love, Lebron."
But fuck ALL that shit right now....
Man....FUCK this movie! Fuck everything about it!
Fuck the writers!
The cameramen!
The sound guy!
The actors!
The commercials!
The merchandise!
All of 'em and I'm not done!
Fuck the soundtrack!
Wiz Khalifa and Juicy J are the dudes, but fuck them and their arrogance for thinking they could create a TMNT track in the same stratosphere of Ninja Rap.
Fuck Michael Bay!
I don't care if you're not the director and only got a producer's credit (fuck you too Jonathan Liebesman for directing).
I wouldn't care if you executive-produced it, wrote it, did production assistant work or just showed up on set one day with a stick of dynamite in your pocket because you couldn't help yourself and thought the movie could use just ONE explosion scene.
The fact that you're involved in this movie only guarantees this movie will be awful.
Fuck you Paramount pictures!
That studio made a mint taking the memories of older Millennials and flat-out raping our childhood no Vaseline.
You lured us all in with Transformers in 2007, then followed up with THREE shit-can sequels.
Then just for the hell of it, you casted Magic Mike and the Ringo Starr of the Wayans family for lead roles in G.I. Joe!
And now you're back for the Turtles? No, fuck you. I'm not allowing it...
Fuck the new TMNT as a movie, a franchise and a motherfucking crew and unless you're taking your five-year-old to see it, fuck you too!
This weekend, instead of wasting your time watching that bastard of a reboot, save yourself $15, order some Dominoes, grab some couch and watch this classic eye orgasm at home instead
Trust me, you're better off.
By the way, fuck Megan Fox too, even though she supposedly no longer has the time.
-Do my eyes deceive me or am I seeing two, yes two Justin Verlanders?
I think it's safe to say everyone would prefer the Kate Upton version of this better.
FRIDAY
-Rutgers Football players like to cool off and get a little wild at "Club Tub" after practice.
It's important that they're having fun now because they won't be won't be doing much partying this season. A lot of people picked them to finish dead last in their Big Ten debut season.
WEEKEND WATCH!
What you should be doing this weekend if you know, you’re not drunk or doing something better…
SEE GUARDIANS OF THE GALAXY!
I was at Lollapalooza watching Outkast and shaking my well-aged fist at youngsters last weekend. This is a must for me.
Oh yeah, Chris Pratt is the patron saint of fat-schlubs who take no gym days off and get ripped.
SEE INTO THE STORM!
Unless of course, you've seen Twister...than don't bother. That one had better actors...and a cow.
WATCH PRESEASON FOOTBALL!
Starters get to chill and most of the guys getting tick will be working a desk at Enterprise Rent-A-Car before August is up...
But who gives a damn?! It's Football! Celebrate!
I was at Lollapalooza watching Outkast and shaking my well-aged fist at youngsters last weekend. This is a must for me.
Oh yeah, Chris Pratt is the patron saint of fat-schlubs who take no gym days off and get ripped.
Unless of course, you've seen Twister...than don't bother. That one had better actors...and a cow.
WATCH PRESEASON FOOTBALL!
Starters get to chill and most of the guys getting tick will be working a desk at Enterprise Rent-A-Car before August is up...
FRIDAY SHOUT-OUT!
Recognizing whomever the hell I want!
Shout-out to that drunk Brit!
Because let's be honest, you either knew or were that someone who attempted the Shaggy voice back in 2000.
Chuck up the deuce! It's last call! You just got your asses whipped by a bunch of god-damn nerds!
-WST
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