What’s up all? Miss me? I didn’t think so, but I have just returned from camping in Manchester, Tennessee where I hit up the 12th annual Bonnaroo Music and Arts festival.
Just took a week to get away from the world with some of my
favorite people and jam out to some sweet-ass performances from artists and
bands like Araabmuzik, Local Natives, Of Monsters and Men, Wu-Tang Clan, Paul
McCartney, Wolfgang Gartner, Nas, Pretty Lights, Matt & Kim, The Lumineers, Jack
Johnson, R. Kelly, Empire Of The Sun, Action Bronson, Macklemore, Kendrick
Lamar, Edward Sharpe, A$AP Rocky, and Tom Petty.
You know I’m always keeping a mental note of things when I
take these adventures, so I’ve returned with 10 observations I managed to make
during my time down south.
10.NEVER LAY ON THE GRASS
DURING A CONCERT!
This isn’t Sunday Music in the park. If you’re going to put
something on the ground and sit during a concert, it’s one thing, but if you’re
going to fully lay on your back, remember that people WILL walk, push
and maneuver through any crevice they can to get close as possible.
On a related note, I’d like to apologize to the 10 girls out
there whose hair I stepped on while so.
9. SOMEWHERE, PRETTY LIGHTS IS STILL PLAYING HIS SET!
Tell me why this psycho took the
stage at 1:45 in the morning and went until 7 AM? People started dipping out
around 4:30 (including us) and he had the audacity to ask the crowd if they
were getting tired…
YEAH DUDE!!! WE”VE BEEN DANCING AND STANDING ON OUR FEET
SINCE FRIDAY AFTERNOON! STOP! NO ONE NEEDS EDM WITH THEIR
MORNING COFFEE OR JUICE! WE GOTTA
SLEEP! R. KELLY IS ON LATER TONIGHT AND I NEED REST!
8. RAP CONCERTS ARE
HILARIOUS!
Two
things that will always happen with rap acts: The artist will always demand you put your hands up a
minimum of 10 times and 70% of the crowd only knows the lyrics to
two songs. Any others? Just the chorus baby.
7. MY FRIENDS AND I ARE HEROES!
A whole lot
of testosterone usually starts flying when it comes to getting up to the pit area for
certain artists and there are a few ladies out there who were pretty happy that
a few larger gentleman such as myself and my associates were around to keep the bros from pushing or crushing them when things turned into a stampede.
Couple girls even used us as lead blockers to get to the front row for Kendrick Lamar’s
concert so naturally, it wouldn’t hurt a couple NFL teams to
bring us in for a look if an O-Lineman goes down in training camp.
6. I NEED TO GET A PEDICURE AFTER THIS!
Not bitching,
but the terrain at Bonnaroo is rough and depending where your campsite was, it
could have been anywhere from a 15-30 minute walk to the festival grounds.
I’m telling you, sitting down at the end of the each night
was ORGASMIC. Well, until I
took my socks off and saw my feet.
Those gravel roads didn’t do them any favors.
5. WALTER PAYTON GETS YOU
RESPECT!
Threw on the
#34 throwback one day and had randoms showing love and dapping me up like I was
the man himself...or at least his fat-cheeked cousin anyway.
Only drawback? I heard a lot of the whole “DAAAA
BEARS” shouts as I strolled by and it got a little tiresome after a bit..
Other fun jerseys that caught my eye included “Thunder” Dan Majerle,
Charles Barkley, Mugsy Bogues, Arvydas Sabonis, Chris Chelios, Chris Mullin, Bo Outlaw, Dennis Rodman, Penny Hardaway, Joe Carter and of course,
plenty of MJ.
4. OUTSIDE OF CHICAGO, R.
KELLY IS KNOWN MORE FOR URINATING ON A GIRL & TRAPPED IN THE CLOSET!
After a lot
of hustle and a little muscle, we managed to get up front and center for
Chicago’s own R. Kelly.
Sadly, we were disappointed that as we waited for
the show to start, I noticed a lot of clueless bros and chicks around us
seemed to be more enthused about seeing the guy who pissed on a girl than a
multi-platinum hit maker.
That said, I think a lot of people found that Kells is more
than “Trapped in the Closet” after a he turned in an amazing (and piss-free)
performance.
3. PAUL MCCARTNEY'S
HUMBLEBRAGS WILL SHIT ALL OVER YOURS!
I caught Sir
Paul not necessarily because I’m a huge fan, but rather the fact that since he
was there, I couldn’t not take the opportunity to watch a true music icon who's managed to stay relevant over 50 years..
However, Macca seems to have a penchant for
telling side stories between songs that pretty much remind you that he’s Paul
McCartney and you’re not.
Smoking a joint with Bob Dylan? Reminiscing about hanging with Jimi Hendrix, Michael Jackson and
Eric Clapton?
You’re a legend, but fuck you dude.
2. HUMANS AND PORTA-POTTIES ARE THE WORST!
I get it, there were over 100.000
people in attendance at Bonnaroo and you’re bound to have people who get sick,
had to hold it for a long time, or are just scumbags, but damn it, I despise
porta-potties!
Seriously didn’t use the bathroom again until I got home after I went into one and found poop smeared on the toilet seat with a sign that read, “This is a Space Peanut”
Seriously didn’t use the bathroom again until I got home after I went into one and found poop smeared on the toilet seat with a sign that read, “This is a Space Peanut”
What the hell does that even mean? Did I mention a woman (and a hot one at that) had just
used it before me?
1. WOMEN WILL DEGRADE
THEMSELVES FOR A$AP ROCKY!
Quote
of Bonnaroo, courtesy of A$AP:
“Hey yo! All the bitches who take their tops off and show
some titties can come onstage and party with me for this last song!!!”
30 women ended up onstage…
Maybe a little tasteless, but then again, I don’t think
anyone in my group was complaining.
-WST
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