Thursday, February 4, 2016

DABBIN-ASS CAM & DUSTY-DIABOLICAL PEYTON!

It’s been a minute since a motherfucker went ahead, fell for someone and took a hiatus and shit.

Relationships need time to develop and mine are no different…here’s an exchange we had following a night out last weekend...

ME: Pass me that container so I can toss it.

HER: Come grab it.

ME: Seriously?

HER: Yeah.

:::Walks over to other side of bed, picks up container, lid not closed properly, red adobo sauce flys everywhere:::

ME: FAHHHHHKKKK!!!

HER: Whoops…well that’s what you get for letting me get drunk.

FACTS. MY TYPE OF GAL!  ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

Anyway, it’s Super Bowl week and as much I thought about not writing anything, I can’t help myself cause I’m an internet asshole.

First of all, I want to make it clear that as much as there is to like about the Carolina Panthers, I’m only rooting for them because of Cam Newton.

Not because on the “blackness scale” of past NFL African-American QBs, he falls somewhere between a pack of Newports and Stab Master Arson from CB4...

Not because if he weren’t tossing dimes, he’d most likely be a up-and-coming young exec somewhere (probably Atlanta, most likely Atlanta, dammit, you know it’s Atlanta) who runs cross-fit sessions on the weekend for fun.

I’m rooting for Cam Newton because in the history of the game, I don’t think one man has ever been universally despised for not being “humble” on the field.

This motherfucker dances after he scores and smiles…like that's his thing.

I mean the guy even smiles after near-fatal car accidents...
He’s not grabbing his dick, or spitting in someone’s face or leaning on the goalpost and lighting up a blunt...which we all only wish could be the next celebration fad.

He dances…and yet, oh my lord...it BURNS people…opposing fans, racists, old people.  

 Like really bothers them.


How salty do you gotta be to be a SEAHAWKS fan…ya know…Beast Mode…Richard Sherman…and have the nerve to draft that shit.

As for old heads not liking Cam because he “showboats,” we get it, the culture was different back in your day.

Back in your day, football players were classy gents who scored...placed the ball in the end zone...shook each others hands…and went home to the wife and kids for a nice home-cooked meal.

And left immediately afterwards to get jacked up on booze and painkillers before hitting up brothels.

Adapt or die.

And as for racists, I mean they’re pieces of shit so no more needs to be said.

People want stars to be humble because it gives them a sense of belonging, I say let these dudes be assholes, it’s a lovely sight.

In a perfect world, Under Armour has a commercial with Ric Flair talking shit to Cam and Stephen Curry’s haters on their behalf.

Which brings me to a new addition to WST...

Wrestling Promo Beak

That's what happens when you interrupt Flair on the mic bitch!

Anyway, on the opposite side of Cam, you got big-forhead havin, OMAHA! callin, papa-john’s slangin, old, dusty-ass Peyton Manning…THE SHERIFF!

So I keep thinking…a lot of folks have left this dude for dead but what if Peyton has just been playing possum on us the whole year?

 What if this diabolical son of a bitch has just been chillin on the low…

Letting Denver’s defense do heavy lifting?

And Brock Osweiler get a little shine?

 What if Peyton Manning was WAITING for this moment?

To step under center Sunday...whisper “gotcha bitch” to himself…

And MARCH Denver’s offense 80 yards down the field in the first two minutes and go on to put up 38 on the same Panthers D that dicked Seattle and Arizona?

Then afterwards, Him and Elway just saunter up to the podium in the post-game press conference, soaked in champagne stunting...
“See, before this season, John and I got together and WE formed a plan."

"WE implemented that plan!"

 WE stuck to the plan and thank all YOU chumps for falling for it!  We out!”

Yeah I know...homeboy is washed and I’m full of shit, it would never happen.

But it could…

Other Musings
-Last Sunday, Calvin Johnson surprisingly retired after nine seasons because when you’ve earned well over $100 million by 30, fuck risking your body.  Here’s 10 other people, places and things I attribute to his decision:

*Continued function of his brain
*Kid Rock
*Little Caesar’s
*That awful Robocop reboot
*Matthew Stafford
*4-12 seasons
*Detroit in the winter
*Detroit in the fall
*Detroit in the spring
*Detroit in the summer

-My girl has watched more football in the last five months then she has in her entire life.  On the flip side, I’ve spent just as much time in places like Starbucks, Target and L.A. Tan.

-Golden State and OKC throw down on Super Bowl eve Saturday night…my thoughts?
-In my latest scheme not to be fat anymore, I started a juice cleanse 10 days ago and I’m happy to report I’m still alive, not crazy, 20 pounds lighter and no 24-hour burrito joints were harmed in the process.

-If the streets could hurry up and have that Deadpool bootleg ready for eye consumption Friday, it’d be much appreciated.

-With every Super Bowl comes a cornucopia of awful fan-made hype videos on YouTube.  These people take this year’s title…

What.  The.  Fuck?  This is why two seasons from now, we'll ALL hate the Panthers and their fans.

Unprovoked Action Movie Quote

"Now you only have one hand with which to wipe your ass with, do you want to keep the other one?” (Showdown in Little Tokyo)

Be good this weekend and enjoy the game!

-WST
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Monday, June 8, 2015

A GUIDE TO BLACKHAWKS FANS YOU MEET AT THE BAR!

Stanley Cup Finals come to Chicago this week which means lots and lots of people hitting up the local watering holes to cheer the Blackahwks on.  As always, WST has you covered with a trusty guide to the types you'll most likely to run into.

 10.YOUNG GENTRIFICATION FAM
TURF: Wicker Park, Goose Island.

ATTIRE: (Husband) Marian Hossa sweater, chino shorts, boat shoes, baby carrier complete with infant.  (Wife) Shirzee, yoga pants, Nike running shoes, mesh trucker hat.

BIO:  Who says you can’t have a social life with a baby?  They’re here to party!  But seriously, they gotta call it an early night...like 8:30. He’s got a meeting in the morning and she has to focus on decorating their new townhouse while getting junior on track for that Montessori Education in a couple years. 

9. THE SLEEPSWITHHAWKS TRIBE

HOME TURF: Gold Coast. River North.  Patrick Kane’s bed.  Patrick Sharp’s umm….”OTHER" phone.

ATTIRE: The photo says it all.

BIO: You already know what time it is when these ladies fellas.  Occupations include fashion blogger, the club industry and marketing…always marketing.  Now I’m not saying they won’t engage in convo if one happens to plop down next to you but if you’re pulling out a bus card instead of some luxury car keys by games end, she’s got no time for your broke ass and a grand total of zero fucks about your feelings on it. Just do some push-ups, get tough and shake it off.

8. EL SALANDO TRANPLANTO (The Salty Transplant)
TURF: West Loop, South Loop.

ATTIRE: Kings/Red Wings/Wild/ Blues sweater. Permanent scowl on face.

Bio: He’s lived in town 18 months now and hates the Blackhawks but doesn’t have many friends and Mark and Tim in finance have been on his ass about grabbing a few drinks with them and their squad.  Showing off his allegiance to the rivals will DEFINITELY make the night easier for him…god’s speed ya schmuck.

7. LIL-PUSSIE-BITCH GUY

TURF: Wrigleyville, Bridgeport.

ATTIRE: Duncan Keith Jersey.  T-shirt that somehow associates the team with the police/fire department or America. Spiked up hair. Oakley sunglasses.

BIO: Anyone can get the LPB treatment; Tampa fans, Pierre McGuire (he may actually be right on that one), LeBron James, and especially that Bartender who kept asking him to back away from the flatscreen and stop screaming “you like that, fucking lil-pussy-bitch?!!” every time Steven Stamkos took a check to the boards.

6. BROTHERS FOR HOCKEY
TURF: Anywhere you don’t expect them to be.

ATTIRE: Hoodie or Antoine Vermette sweater (his name is Antoine). Cargo khakis. Fresh kicks. New Era cap.  Confused stares from white people.

BIO: Look, Jeremy Roenick was a beast in NHL 94, every rapper from 2pac to Snoop to Method Man to Nelly to A$AP Rocky has rocked a hockey sweater and league leader in swag Patrick Kane loves to melt ankles with Allen Iverson-like puck handles.  Should have known it was only a matter of time. 

AND IF WE LEARN TO PLAY THAT SHIT WITH SOME TIMBERLANDS WATCH OUT! SHOUT OUT OUT TO THE GAWD DUSTIN BYFUGLIEN!  NEVER FORGET!

5. BASIC BIRDS
TURF: Lincoln Park. Old Towne.  Lakeview.

ATTIRE: Kane/Sharp sweater.  Leggings.  Boots.  Cutoff Levi’s.  Backwards snapback cap.

BIO: Selfies with a beer in hand to prove she watches sports for her Tinder profile.  Multiple filtered snapchats of everything going on but the game.  Spends two periods asking annoyed boyfriend “what just happened?” Enjoys referring to a group of grown ass millionaires as “boys”. 
4.THE DINOSAURS
TURF: Beverly. Tinley Park. Naperville. Skokie. Aurora.

ATTIRE: Stan Mikita sweater. Eddie Olcyzk Sweater. Dad Jeans. Black and red New Balance. 

BIO: He’ll shit all over you for drinking that newfangled craft beer.  There’s a smug look always reserved for that table of Latin or Asian guys. Constantly asks other people if they know who "The Golden Jet" is (Bobby Hull-Racist, Wife-Beating, Alcoholic. Got It!) and secretly pines for the “good" days of cigarette smoke in stadiums, mustaches and 3 brawls a period.

3. PODUNK MAFIA
TURF: Downstate Illinois. Northwest Indiana. Milwaukee.

ATTIRE: Look at the picture, then just add some dumb tattoos and a Vape Pen.  You get the point...

BIO: Stumbles into the city with a whole 60 bucks between him and his 3 friends (roams in packs). Tends to get pissed off after realizing Chicago drink prices are way more than whatever hell-hole they crawled out from.  After being brushed off by a few girls who are way out of their league,  spends the rest of the night roaming around until you see him in handcuffs on the way home.

2. HIP-HAWKS
TURF: Bucktown.  Logan Square.  East Pilsen.

ATTIRE: Mustache or Beard. Jeremy Roenick/Theo Fleury sweater with flannel.  Chuck Taylor’s.  Skinny Jeans.  Chicago Flag tattoo.

BIO: Chicago’s hipster scene laughs at all you Blackhawks newcomers.  They were fans long before that shit got trendy.  We’re talking 2009 here, alright?!!  Seriously though, these purveyors of bicycles, beer and vinyl need something until they finally make kickball a professional sport, so why not borrow one that encourages it’s athletes to go weeks without shaving?

1. ASSHOLES LIKE YOU!
TURF: CITY WIDE

ATTIRE: Any of the above.

BIO: Let’s be honest, Blackhawks fans are the scourge and envy of the Hockey Universe right now.  We’re loud, we’re obnoxious, we talk a lot of shit and we’re entitled. 

 But you know what? That’s what happens when you win and win a lot.  You could say the same for Patriots, Cardinals and Lakers fans.  

 In fact, I don’t think the team is disliked ENOUGH yet.  That could all with a third cup for in six seasons

-WST

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Friday, May 29, 2015

FULL CIRCLE FRIDAY-GOTTA MAKE THE NBA!!!


All the stories you know, and ones you don’t, but should. Welcome to FULL CIRCLE FRIDAY.

MONDAY

-Did you have a good Memorial Day weekend?  Doesn't matter because notorious beer goblin Rob Gronkowski had a better one...
The summer of Gronk is just getting started.

-I love tic-tac-toe.  If there was a better way to kill time and annoy your younger sibling on road trips as a kid, I don't want to know it.   

Meet Blake and Reed, these guys are really not good at tic-tac toe...
Somewhere out there, David Blatt is wondering how these fuckboys got ahold of his playbook.

TUESDAY

-Colin Kaepernick's hashtag of choice is #7tormscoming which is uncreative and stupid as fuck.  Today thought it wold be cute to use it in reference to the flash floods turning Houston into an aquarium. 
Way to be an insensitive prick.  Besides, he's already doing $126 Million Dollars worth of damage to the Bay Area already just by suiting up.

-The Cavs finished off the carcass that was the Atlanta Hawks and LeBron took to the cold tub with the squad to celebrate!
Hold the fuck on there Kendrick Perkins...
Only played five minutes so why the ice bags??????  This why teammates in previous stops don't invite you anywhere weirdo.

WEDNESDAY

-BRUH...
Yeah...someone at FIFA is going to fucking jail for this shit.  It really may be time to seriously consider boycotting World Cup.

- "WE TAKE WHAT WE WANT AND AFTER WE TAKE LEX LUGER AND THE GIANT, WE WANT THE GOLD SUCKA!  HULK HOGAN, WE COMIN' FOR YOU NIGGA!"

THURSDAY

-Jerry Jones out here still living man...despite the whole marriage and large family thing of course.
If good teams like the Cowboys would just nut up, this could all be on Hard Knocks but noooooo...instead I gotta watch JJ Watt buy charities and his mom shit.

But fuck all that shit right now...
The worst kept secret in the NBA was revealed Thursday as the Chicago Bulls fired head coach Tom Thibodeau.  You're Facebook feed and Twitter lines are probably over saturated with hot takes and support/disdain for Thibs so I'm going to hit you with five quick facts about Tommy Thibs and the Chicago Bulls.

1.  THIBS IS NBA LOVIE SMITH:  The man is a brilliant defensive taskmaster but his arrogance in regards to his coaching staff and offensive strategy (or lack of) really fucked him during his time in Chicago.  Thibodeau's offensive sets pretty much consist of Derrick Rose or Jimmy Butler resorting to panic hero ball as the shot clock winds down.

2.  HE HELPED JIMMY BUTLER BY DEFAULT:  Thibodeau wants to win BAD.  Whether it's an NBA championship, a playoff game or a Tuesday night contest in Charlotte.  The downside to the last part is that he'll run his trusted players into the ground, giving no room for development of young players.  Unless of course, said reliable vets go down with injury.  Make no mistake about it, Jimmy Butler may still be on the bench if Luol Deng hadn't of died then traded away in 2014.

3.  JOHN PAXSON IS AN ASSHOLE TOO:  Let me ask you a question:  After Butler and Derrick Rose, who's the last athletic wing player the Bulls signed or drafted?  Paxton loves players from winning programs but sometimes you need that crazy asshole who's not afraid to just drive the baseline and put his nuts on somebody's head.

4.  JERRY REINSDORF IS PETTY:  Seriously, I get if you don't want him in your organization anymore but they slandered the fuck out of the man on his way out.

5. IT'S STILL A PLAYER'S LEAGUE:  Coaching helps, but talent trumps all and it's no more apparent than this year's Finals.  David Blatt or Steve Kerr really strike you as brilliant coaching minds?

-Someone allowed to Adrian Peterson to tweet without supervision today and the results were what you'd expect:











I'm pretty sure a lot more people would be feeling AP if he wasn't scheduled to make $12 million plus this season.  Adrian...

FRIDAY

-The Panda's Friends aka Metta World Peace aka Ron Artest is still out here WYLIN...picking up FIVE fouls in one minute during an Italian league playoff game.
Never stop being crazy Panda World Artest.


WEEKEND WATCH!
What you should be doing this weekend if you know, you’re not drunk or something better...

SEE SAN ANDREAS!
The Rock has taken on Jungles, Jason Statham, Drug Dealers, Volcanos and Stone Cold Steve Austin but is he ready for an Earthquake?  I guess?

WATCH HOCKEY!
A pair of Game 7s in both the Eastern and Western conference finals.  Don't have a heart attack.

GO TO A WEDDING!
It's the season for cake, booze, awful dancing and love!

FRIDAY SHOUT-OUT!
Recognizing whomever the hell I want!

Shout-Out to the Bartender of Comedy Renaldo Rey!
R.I.P.

It's Friday, do the whip and have a drink.  Where's Lips Manlis?

-WST
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Tuesday, May 19, 2015

PRO ATHLETES AND SEX, RANKED!

It's good to be Bryce Harper right now.

 The star 22 year-old outfielder for the Nationals (and destroyer of fastballs) has been on a tear so far this season, batting .338 with 14 home runs and 37 RBIs.

 Kid is shining!  So naturally, the question was going to be posed sooner or later and this past Sunday, one of my homeboys put it out there...

 "How much sex do you think that guy has in a typical week?"

 More than Cristiano Ronaldo?  Russ Wilson?  Patrick Kane?  Clayton Kershaw?

 Does a player's position in the big five (Football, Baseball, Basketball, Soccer, Hockey) have a role in how much they get laid?

 Of course it does!

 So after much debate, here's a ranking of who can just stroll into the bar and have their choice of postgame nookie and who's stuck low-key hitting up Tinder like Jets Tackle Breno Giacomini.

 1. Quarterback

 2. Starting Pitcher

 3. Centre (Soccer)

 4. Wide Receiver

 5. Centre (Hockey)

 6. First Baseman/Designated Hitter

 7. Running Back

 8. Shortstop

 9. Point Guard

 10. Striker/Winger (Soccer)

 11. Wing (Hockey)

 12. Shooting Guard

 13. Outfielders

 14. Goalie (Soccer)

 15. Tight End

 16.  Small Forward

 17. Third Baseman

 18. Linebackers

 19. Second Baseman

 20. Center (Basketball)

 21. Power Forward

 22. Cornerback

 23. Midfielder (Soccer)

 24. Safety

 25. Goalie (Hockey)

 26. Closer 

 27. Defensive Lineman

 28. Defender (Soccer)

 29. Middle Reliever 

 30. Defenseman (Hockey)

 31. Offensive Lineman

 32. Dropping the soap in a prison shower

 33. Punter/Kicker

-WST
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Friday, May 15, 2015

FULL CIRCLE FRIDAY-HOW MANY TIMES!


All the stories you know, and ones you don’t, but should. Welcome to FULL CIRCLE FRIDAY.

MONDAY

-On on hand, this is the dumbest fucking controversy I've ever seen in the world of the sports.

 on the other, look at this dude....
Yeah, sit down little bitch.  You play in a division with the Dolphins, Bills and Jets...Patriots will be fine.

Besides, we all know Bellichick will find find a way to make Jimmy Garroppolo (GuapPOLO?) look like the second coming then trade him for that 1st and 4th rounder he lost in the first place.


-Part of Wrigley Field's iconic bleachers reopened Monday night following construction and the type of people that populate them wasted no time getting back to form...
What an asshat.

TUESDAY

- Guys, If you've yet to meet Warriors sideline reporter Roslyn Gold-Onwude, it's too late...
Harrison "Black Falcon" Barnes already has his eyes on her.  The look says it all...how many Jagged Edge songs are going through his head right now?

That's a man ready to risk it all for love; take her out, pay her bills, give her the ring, the money, the car, the house, ALL OF IT!

-Adrian Beltre hit his 399th dinger.  Adrian Beltre hates when people touch his head.  So what does best friend Elvis Andrus do to celebrate with his bro?

I get the same way when people touch my shoulders, naturally, a couple of my friends think it's hilarious...until the day I kill them.

WEDNESDAY

-Alexander Ovechkin guaranteed a game 7 Capitals victory over the Rangers.  Well about that...

Poor Ovie, you're the most underachieving league MVP I've ever seen.  Do svidanya until next season my dude.

-When you're trying to d-up in a playoff game but then you hear the words "Cash Money records taking over for the 99 and 2000's"
Harrison Barnes really is having a rough week.  First he gets caught in Sahara thirst-mode, then Courtney Lee crosses him so bad, he ends up like Jean-Claude Van Damme in Bloodsport...

THURSDAY

-Hey Pittsburgh Penguins!
You just got your asses kicked by a bunch of goddamn nerds.  NERDS!!!!  STAY IN YOUR LANE!!!!

But fuck all that shit right now...fuck it all!
I didn't believe in the 2014-2015 Bulls.  I spent all season doubting them.  Too inconsistent offensively and surprisingly soft defensively for a Tom Thibodeau coached team.

 I told myself Cleveland has LeBron and that dude is on another level compared to anyone on Chicago's roster.

I was ridiculed for this thinking.  I was scolded for not being a "true fan" and that I NEVER give Chicago teams any credit.

I was told the Bulls are a TEAM with great depth and LeBron can't guard everyone.  I was told that 34 year-old Pau Gasol would be a difference maker come playoffs.  I was told to just wait until Derrick Rose gets to the playoffs...I didn't buy any of it.

Then a shitty but opportunistic event occurred...
All of a sudden, optimism!

Best team win of the season in game 1, Derrick Rose's biggest moment since 2010 in game 3 and the Bulls had a chance!  

The Red, White and Black Kool-Aid was once against presented in front of me and the situation was too tempting not to grab a glass...or two...or three!

Then reality kicked in and the best player on the planet showed exactly why he is every bit deserving of that title in Games 4 and 5.

Meanwhile, the Bulls reverted back to exactly what they've always been over the course of Thibodeau's tenure in Chicago: a regular season team.

Derrick Rose and Jimmy Butler are not enough to win a championship.  Mike Dunleavy is a streak shooter.  Aaron Brooks is turnover prone.  Kirk Hinrich is dead.  Taj Gibson was out of control and Joakim Noah is an embarrassment.  

Even Niko Mitotic, who I championed for more minutes showed exactly why Thibs kept him buried on the bench to start the series.

Throughout this series, people have compared the Bulls to the 90's Knicks, Cavs or Pacers....well I got news for you, the Bulls aren't any of those teams and the idea of them being on the same level of any is disrespectful.

Those were good, potentially great-ass Basketball teams who never won it all because the best player of all time imposed his will and  decided he wouldn't let them take HIS shine.

Team I saw last night in game 6 quit on their coach at halftime!

LeBron James has now wiped the Bulls out four times and was so relaxed about it, he let JR Smith and Matthew fucking Dellavedova get in on the gangbang!  That was humiliating!

There is a talent gap on the Chicago Bulls.  I know it.  Gar Foreman and John Paxson know it.  Thibodeau (too little, too late) knows it and now the fans must finally admit it as well.  I hated what I watched last night.  I've never been more disappointed by a team.

Funny, I thought NBA hell would be a lot warmer than this.

-Speaking of getting your ass kicked...

Soccer fans are the Florida residents of Sports.

FRIDAY

-At least one Bull won yesterday....

WEEKEND WATCH!
What you should be doing this weekend if you know, you’re not drunk or something better...

SEE MAD MAX: FURY ROAD!
Original Mad Max director George Miller rebooted his post-apocalyptic masterpiece and it could be the surprise hit of the summer.

SEE PITCH PERFECT 2!
The first was well-written and funny.  Let's see how they fuck it up!

WATCH THE NHL CONFERENCE FINALS!
Rangers-Lightening.  Blackhawks-Ducks.  Oh it's about to be lit!

FRIDAY SHOUT-OUT!
Recognizing whomever the hell I want!

Shout-Out to the Philadelphia 76ers!
Philly was hot-garbage this season but their design team gets kudos for their new alternate logo.  Ballin' Ben Franklin looks like he'll turn your ankles into pretzels, hit a buzzer-beating 16-footer, then steal your girl when he's done!


I'm out to spread some more Bulls hate.  "You Devil Log!"

-WST
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