TWO THUMBS UP, FOUR THUMBS DOWN TUESDAY

Every Tuesday, I’ll be sharing the little life’s pleasures that make me jump for joy and the terrible, awful things I want to spit on.

Two that earned my love:

1. NFL FREE AGENCY!

Christmas in March for Football fans begins as the player movement portion of the off-season kicks off this afternoon at 4/ET.  

I’m really hoping the local Football franchise here in Chicago can pick up a lineman (or five) who can actually throw a damn block.
                                                                
 Smokin Jay Cutler's got a bitch ass wife and a kid to think about this these days!

2. BASEBRAWL!

That shit was awesome wasn’t it?  The World Baseball Classic may not be the best, but you ALWAYS should be ready to throw down for your country. 

Brawls in other sports can't even compare.

-Fisticuffs in the NFL and College Football are rare and dumb since you have all that equipment. 

-The NBA has a few tough guys, but a lot more wannabes who aren't REALLY about the life.

- NHL fights are cool, but the days of the Hockey goon or enforcer aren't what they used to be.

Fight breaks out in Baseball and EVERYONE is involved. From your best player, to the guy at the end of the bench.  If you're not a fighter, you better find a friend/old teammate on the other side and at least dance around.

Four that earned my scorn:

1. TOM CREAN! 

The guy led Indiana to their first outright B1G Ten Conference title since 93!

So how does one celebrate bringing back one of College Basketball's more-storied programs?  A Hoosier hoops team that was on verge of collapse because of self-imposed sancations along with NCCA probation due to recruiting violations committed by ex-coach, Kelvin Sampson and his staff four years ago?

If you guessed by getting batshit crazy in the grill of one of the men responsible, you get a dollar. That's exactly what the "Mean Crean Machine" did to Michigan Assistant Coach Jeff Meyer.

If anything, Tom Crean should be thanking the schmuck.  The old IU hoops staff Meyer was apart of jagged, and Crean was HIRED in the aftermath.  Dude technically did you a favor Tom.
                                                                                                                                                            Then again, I guess there's a reason he’s married into the Harbaugh family...

2. JOHN HARBAUGH!

Wide Receiver Anquan Boldin didn’t want to take a pay cut to stay with coach John's Ravens, so he magically gets shipped off to brother Jim’s 49ers for a measly 6^th round draft pick.  

There’s also rumors that longtime Baltimore Safety Ed Reed may head out West as well.

Wait, what? Was it Jim's Birthday and I missed it or something?

Is this just a small coincidence or is there something deeper, more sinister?

Sibling collusion? 

Is this just phase one in some grand Harbaugh scheme to dominate the NFL by trading each other their team's best players for nothing?

 If Jim somehow gifts John NaVarro Bowman by the holiday season, I'm onto something...

3. SPRING FORWARD!

I haven’t really adjusted to the time change and it’s messing with my life...  
                                                                                                                                                               Got home yesterday at five, thought I'd get a quick power nap before the gym, ended up waking at midnight, and couldn’t go back to sleep until three.

On the plus side, I had this post finished by one this morning and "The Wednesday Rant" halfway done by two. 

So, yeah, I got that going for me.

4. ST. PATTY'S HANGOVER!

Sunday is St. Patrick's day and you can bet most people will be Emerald Green in the face due to participation in any and all celebrations the day (and night) before.

I feel confident saying that more than half of you readers will be taking a bathroom trip to call up some dinosaurs at some point that morning...

Afterwards, you should go back to bed until noon and then spend the remainder of the day lounging in sweats, guzzling water (and sweet ginger-ale) and eating delicious hangover food while watching sports and old 80's movies.

So more or less, what I do every Sunday.

Sounds amazing, right?  If you don't have a hangover party to go to.  Hit my line, almost certain there should be one in full effect at my place.

Just don’t come by until after you’re done puking…

-WST

RANKING MINUSCULE INJURIES

Somewhere between glass number one of Ginger Ale and a commercial during The Walking Dead, My dangerously random mind got to thinking….

If I had to rank minuscule injuries, you know, not major ones, just the little things that annoy the shit out of you, how would it pan out.

So I present you with the WST minuscule injury ranking or M.I.R. (sounds dope right?):

5. Paper Cut

 The entire concept of the paper cut blows.

They usually occur during school or work, so that sucks.  It occurs in those places BECAUSE…. THAT’S THE PLACE WHERE YOU’RE MOST LIKELY TO HANDLE PAPER! YAY! GOOD JOB GUYS!

If you happen to work for a paper factory of some kind, may lord have mercy on your hands, you poor bastard.

Fact is you can never actually pinpoint that moment in the day where you got the damn thing and it WILL piss you off.

  You're just in the bathroom washing your hands and all of a sudden, you feel that little sting on the tip of your finger because the soap seeped in.

SHIT! It’s painfully annoying to type those reports when that happens.

Now you get one on the web of your hand…you’re so DICKED.  Just call it a day and tell your professor or boss you’re not feeling well.

The worst part is that really doesn't hurt unitl you make eye contact with it, then that sting goes up a few notches and you feel like you cut the tip of your finger off. 

4. Hangnails

I bounced back and forth between the burbs and the city Saturday night, and thanks to the weather coupled with losing track of my leather “OJ” gloves, I woke up with a hangnail.

Grabbed the nail clipper to cut that bad boy off and almost mangled my fingernail doing it. 

So fucking irritating.

3. Stepping on Toys

What seven year-old little dude didn’t love it when mom or dad came home with one of those Army Men 50 piece sets? 

SOLDIERS! TANKS! CHOPPERS! JETS! WARFARE IS FUN!!!!

Then do you remember how the rents would always yell at you for not picking them up when you were done and you wondered why?

Well the first time you hop out of bed and impale the bottom of your foot on one these miniature plastic heroes, you understand…

BECAUSE THAT SHIT REALLY HURTS!

It’s even worse if you step on the Tanks or Choppers!

Soldiers are one thing, but now you’re crippling the air/ground support of the TAN army AND flushing their taxpayer’s dollars down the drain!

Now you feel like a dick…I know I did.

Then again, the tan soldiers can get bent.  I'M A GREEN ARMY MAN SUPPORTER!

 I won’t even go into stepping on LEGOS...

LEGOS are rainbow colored instruments of torture.

I guarantee you in the dark interrogation rooms of a third-world prison, SOMEONE is being left in a room full of LEGOS blindfolded and barefoot as a cruel, sick, form of punishment.

2.  Banging You Knee or Shin/Stubbing Your Toe

It’s the most agonizing and painful minuscule injury for sure...

AHHHHHHHHH SEEEEE!!!! Is the only thing that comes out of your mouth followed by many, many expletives afterward.

Then you go apeshit and wanna take a match and a can of lighter fluid to the the dresser or table leg responsible.

Unfortunately, unlike you, those objects feel no pain…but they’re still bitches though.

1. Waking with A Numb Limb

            In my world, sleeping on your arm and waking up with no feeling in it is good for the number three spot on the list of awful things that could happen to you when getting up.

It’s right behind finding yourself in a motel bathtub with a kidney missing, and waking up next to a dead person who was not dead last night, leaving you as the prime suspect, and now you now have to become a fugitive in order to catch the reall killer and clear your good name.

Not that’d I’d know about either of those things…

It’s number one on THIS list because it’s a truly terrifying psychological experience on the minuscule injury scale.  Here’s how the order of my thoughts go 15 seconds after I wake up with my foot or arm asleep:

1.“OOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHH SHIT BRO!!!  CAN I MOVE THE REST OF MY BODY?!!!!”

2.“Okay I’m good, I can move the rest of my body, just not the arm or leg.  Am I just the latest victim of some sort of serial-limb breaker who gets off in hiding in people’s closets and maiming them as they’re in slumber?”

3.“Oh, my leg/arm is just asleep.”

-WST

FULL CIRCLE FRIDAY: I'M BAD!

All the stories you know and ones you don’t, but should. Welcome to FULL CIRCLE

MONDAY

-We begin in South Bend, Indiana as Women’s college hoops had a solid night as #2 ranked Notre Dame defeated #3 ranked Uconn in triple overtime, 96-87.

However, the REAL story was this dunk by Brittney Griner in Baylor's win over Kansas State…

 

Griner catches a lot of unnecessary jokes but that was a grown-ass man move right there.  Young lady has serious game.

            -Also, WHOA!  Check out this photo of a UFC event in Tokyo that captures the exact moment Mark Hunt knocks out Stefan Struve and breaks his jaw.

 

Yeah, you got knocked the fuck out kid.  Struve definitely won’t be eating solid food for a bit…

TUESDAY

-R.I.P. to Bill Moody, who was better known to dudes around the world as “Paul Bearer,” the Undertaker’s creepy, turkey-necked manager.

Moody was 58.

            -I love Canada.  They have great Ginger Ale.  Their gravy-fries (poutine) are superb and the Country has given me the coach of my favorite team (jury is out on him for now).

However, if this is how they train for the Football season, I don’t think I’ll be watching too many CFL games anytime soon.

 

Walk it off eh.  Walk it off.

Finally, check out this brawl between St. John’s Sir’ Dominic Pointer and ND’s Cameron Biedscheid.

Not shocking.  Anyone with the name Sir’ Dominic is more than likely going to have a few anger issues.

WEDNESDAY

            -Bears QB Jay Cutler and reality-something Kristin Cavallari have set a date for their wedding (July 13. I'll be waiting for my invitation.)

If you’d like to buy them a gift, the couple has registered at Williams-Sonoma as well as Crate & Barrel.

Actually, that’s Kristin’s shit.  If you want to get Jay a gift, just roll over to your local mall and stop at a Gadzooks, or are those not around anymore?  Regardless, Jay will be just fine with a beer bong and one of those glow in the dark marijuana leaf posters.

            -Also on Wednesday, former Northern Iowa receiver Terrell Sinkfield supposedly was clocked at a 4.19 at the University of Minnesota’s Pro Day.

As Eric Mangini said, I’d probably have to see this one to believe it, but the guy does look pretty fast.

 If he doesn’t make it in football, I’ll gladly pay him in McDoubles and 7-11 Slurpees to make quick runs to the Walgreen’s down the street when I run out of toilet paper or hot pockets.

THURSDAY

-Well…. There was that little Richard Sherman-Skip Bayless thing on ESPN’s First Take.

 Not going to lie, I like Richard Sherman but this was embarrassing and he comes off almost as big a prick as Bayless on this one.

            -JaVale McGee is quite the intriguing player.  He’s extremely talented, but sometimes tends to do a lot of dumb shit. However, he’s also a showman…

Don’t get too excited.  He'll pull off half a dozen head-scratchers before Monday.

FRIDAY

            -Dennis Rodman and Kim Jong-un in NBA Jam?  Dennis Rodman and Kim Jong-un in NBA Jam…

WEEKEND WATCH!

What you should be doing this weekend if you know, you’re not drunk or doing something better

SEE DEAD MAN DOWN!

            -Sometimes movies are best when they don’t get complicated.  Colin Ferrell deciding to kill everyone after Terrence Howard kills his wife and kid seems pretty straightforward to me. It also features that one chick from Prometheus.  Hopefully she doesn’t give birth to a giant squid in this one.

SEE OZ: THE GREAT AND POWERFUL!

            -See how the Wizard of Oz came to power. It’s got the F-Deuce!  What is the F-Deuce you ask?  Franco and Flying Monkeys!

REST FOR NEXT WEEKEND!

            -St. Patrick’s day is next weekend and the smartest thing you can do is save your body for the storm that’s coming. 

So that’s means I’m staying in this weekend right?  Hell no!  I have appearances to make.  I'm in high demand these days.  I didn't say do as I do, I said do as I tell you.

Enjoy your weekend kids.  Let’s do it again Monday!

-WST

TOP 10 WALK OUT SONGS OF THE WST!

Could be a party.  Could be a club.  Could be a bar. Could be a reception.

Doesn’t matter. Whenever any of these songs come on, I will leave the room and not return until it’s finished.  

If it's a road trip, I will CONSIDER jumping out of the vehicle.

10. RHIANNA-S.O.S

9. ONE REPUBLIC-Apoloigze

8. FLO-RIDA-Turn Around

7. PITBULL-Hotel Room Service

6. DR. DRE-Forgot About Dre

5. N.E.R.D.-Rock Star (Poser)

4. NICKI MINAJ-Massive Attack

3. B-52s-Love Shack

2. T-PAIN-Church

1. V.I.C.-Wobble Baby

I’ll allow myself to be waterboarded before I ever listen to anything by V.I.C. again.

-WST

WEDNESDAY RANT: STANDING DURING A WEDDING SUCKS!

So my college buddy Rog came into town on business yesterday and met up with me as well as my guy U for dinner and a little Blachawks watchage (they keep on rolling!)

We talked about a lot of the usual guy stuff mixed in with some stories from the good ol days.

However, we also came to a conclusion on a certain topic and I have a message to all our dudes out there…

I’ll be honored any time you ask me to stand in your wedding, JUST DON’T MAKE ME STAND THROUGH THE WHOLE CEREMONY!!!

Holy shit is standing in a wedding uncomfortable!

You’re wearing an undershirt, a dress shirt, a vest, a tie and usually, a dark jacket, not to mention cuff links, a watch, and a pair of shoes from the tuxedo shop that you haven’t broken in yet.

The only comfortable part?  The dress pants.  Dress pants are soooooo comfortable!  They’re like snazzy formal pajama pants!  I love putting my legs into them every day!

Then there’s the hair product that you KNOW is going to mix with sweat and go into your eye. 

GOD THAT PRODUCT-SWEAT IS LIKE ACID WHEN IT GETS IN YOUR EYE!  THERE’S NO COMING BACK FROM THAT!

That sweat is coming because you know I was drinking the night before along with all the other groomsmen.

As well as the Groom's dad.

As well as the Bride’s dad.

A few Uncles mixed in.

Probably the Groom too, but he can’t admit that.

We’re also probably drinking before the wedding…

All that adds up to an hour, hour and a half (if the couple is Catholic), of torture on your whole body. 

You’re sweating, you’re uncomfortable, and now you’re getting annoyed of standing in place. 

It’s a triple threat!

Don’t get me wrong; standing is an essential part of life.  You’re going to have to stand sometimes and I dig that, but standing in place for over an hour is murder!

You can’t even stand comfortably!  You can’t put your hands in your pockets!

You have to have your arms crossed in front of you.  My elbows get stiff!!

You can’t stand with a gangster or relaxed lean when standing at weddings!

Your legs either have to be completely together or shoulder length apart!

You don’t even get a REAL floor to stand on.  You get a step!! I have size 14 shoes! One awkward slip, and that’s the end of the WST!

Me falling will take the attention from you, to me, and I don’t want that!

Now I wouldn’t do this rant without offering a solution!

Reserve the first row and let us sit.  We’re still right there and with you a 100%.  Your folks and your bride’s folks can still sit there, there’s enough room for everyone!

Let your best man and the maid of honor stand because those fucks are usually next to get married anyway.

They need the practice standing, not me.

Boom.

-WST

TWO THUMBS UP, FOUR THUMBS DOWN TUESDAY!

Every Tuesday, I’ll be sharing the little life’s pleasures that make me jump for joy and the terrible, awful things I want to spit on.

Two Things that earned my love:

1. This:

2.  Forest Park St. Patrick’s Day Parade:

Headed back home to the burbs Saturday for a little “tune-up game” before the Chicago St. Paddy's parade next Saturday.

Four things that earned my scorn:

1. Ray Allen Be Flopping:

I haven’t seen acting like that out of Allen since he played Jesus Shuttlesworth in He Got Game.  JJ Barea is 5’11, 175 pounds soaking wet to your 6’5, 215.  Barea’s right, you’re a pussy for that move.

2. Joe Flacco: 

Will Brinson @willbrinson

Joe Flacco on what he's going to do with all his new money: "Just gonna look at it I guess."

6:39 PM - 04 Mar 13

Waka Flocka Flacco is a lot of things, interesting is not one of them.

3. Hardcore Hockey Fans:  So Stephen A. Smith enraged Puck enthusiasits everywhere when he compared the Chicago Blackshawks 19-0-3 mark against the Miami Heat’s 14 game win-streak...

I mean were you really expecting solid Hockey insight from a network that has pretty much written off the sports since losing it’s TV deal with the NHL?  If so, were you really expecting that insight to come from Stephen A. Smith!?  You know he was just there to piss you off right?  Mission Accomplished.

4. Kobe Bryant: Black Mamba says he would have smacked Thunder Forward Serge Ibaka in the mouth had Ibaka Judo Chopped his groin the way he did Blake Griffin Sunday…

Really? Just like you handled Chris Childs back in the day, right Kobe?

Great player.  Not a tough guy though.  Now his wife on the other hand...

-WST

MIKE KRZYZEWSKI QUIT HATING!

 I only rushed a basketball court once in college. 

Not because I didn't want to, frankly, until senior year, my school's team was middle of the pack average and didn't beat too many of the better teams.

Then it happened.

The Basketball team had just upset our cross-town rival to get to the Conference Championship.  

Our cheering section, which only consisted of about 15 people since we were still on Spring Break, said fuck it and sprinted out to the middle of THEIR court

We hugged and jumped on our players and did that thing that all college kids do where you grab your shirt and scream  “Woooooooo number one!!!!!!!!!”

 All while pointing and gesturing to the home crowd as they started us down from the bleachers.

Silly? A little Juvenile? Maybe.

If you’re judging, save it.  We were kids.

You can just charge it to being part of the game.

It was a pretty fun feeling though.

And yet in the last two or three years, I’ve consistently heard people say why you SHOULDN’T rush the court.

There’s too many risks and not safe for students or players.

If a school has a major program, it’s not in good taste.

Then came last Thursday as the Virginia Cavaliers defeated Duke and snapped an eight-game losing streak against the Blue Devils as well as beat a top-5 ranked opponent for the first time since 2002...

Afterwards, Mike Krzyzewski was less than thrilled...

If you look at the video below a HUMAN WALL was clearly created for "Coach K" and his players to    head to the locker rooms.

 

I’m not sure it’s the court rush he’s concerned over or just irritated with the fact that this was the fourth time this season where an opposing school’s fans rushed the floor after defeating the Blue Devils, a program that in the last 20 years, has become college-hoop royalty with a reputation as "White Collar" and "Elitist."

If that’s the case, Krzyzewski should take a deep breath and chill out before stepping to the mic. 

In college basketball, when you beat Duke, it’s an event.  Sorry for partying guy.

That’s the price of being the best. You're always going to travel with the bull’s-eye on your back.  

Anytime a less talented, less storied program topples a giant like Duke, can you really expect young, dumb 20 year-olds not to go H.A.M?

I know that. You know that.  He knows that.

-WST