Stanley Cup Finals come to Chicago this week which means lots and lots of people hitting up the local watering holes to cheer the Blackahwks on. As always, WST has you covered with a trusty guide to the types you'll most likely to run into.
10.YOUNG GENTRIFICATION FAM
TURF: Wicker Park, Goose Island.
ATTIRE: (Husband) Marian Hossa sweater, chino shorts, boat shoes, baby carrier complete with infant. (Wife) Shirzee, yoga pants, Nike running shoes, mesh trucker hat.
BIO: Who says you can’t have a social life with a baby? They’re here to party! But seriously, they gotta call it an early night...like 8:30. He’s got a meeting in the morning and she has to focus on decorating their new townhouse while getting junior on track for that Montessori Education in a couple years.
9. THE SLEEPSWITHHAWKS TRIBE
HOME TURF: Gold Coast. River North. Patrick Kane’s bed. Patrick Sharp’s umm….”OTHER" phone.
ATTIRE: The photo says it all.
BIO: You already know what time it is when these ladies fellas. Occupations include fashion blogger, the club industry and marketing…always marketing. Now I’m not saying they won’t engage in convo if one happens to plop down next to you but if you’re pulling out a bus card instead of some luxury car keys by games end, she’s got no time for your broke ass and a grand total of zero fucks about your feelings on it. Just do some push-ups, get tough and shake it off.
8. EL SALANDO TRANPLANTO (The Salty Transplant)
TURF: West Loop, South Loop.
ATTIRE: Kings/Red Wings/Wild/ Blues sweater. Permanent scowl on face.
Bio: He’s lived in town 18 months now and hates the Blackhawks but doesn’t have many friends and Mark and Tim in finance have been on his ass about grabbing a few drinks with them and their squad. Showing off his allegiance to the rivals will DEFINITELY make the night easier for him…god’s speed ya schmuck.
7. LIL-PUSSIE-BITCH GUY
TURF: Wrigleyville, Bridgeport.
ATTIRE: Duncan Keith Jersey. T-shirt that somehow associates the team with the police/fire department or America. Spiked up hair. Oakley sunglasses.
BIO: Anyone can get the LPB treatment; Tampa fans, Pierre McGuire (he may actually be right on that one), LeBron James, and especially that Bartender who kept asking him to back away from the flatscreen and stop screaming “you like that, fucking lil-pussy-bitch?!!” every time Steven Stamkos took a check to the boards.
6. BROTHERS FOR HOCKEY
TURF: Anywhere you don’t expect them to be.
ATTIRE: Hoodie or Antoine Vermette sweater (his name is Antoine). Cargo khakis. Fresh kicks. New Era cap. Confused stares from white people.
BIO: Look, Jeremy Roenick was a beast in NHL 94, every rapper from 2pac to Snoop to Method Man to Nelly to A$AP Rocky has rocked a hockey sweater and league leader in swag Patrick Kane loves to melt ankles with Allen Iverson-like puck handles. Should have known it was only a matter of time.
AND IF WE LEARN TO PLAY THAT SHIT WITH SOME TIMBERLANDS WATCH OUT! SHOUT OUT OUT TO THE GAWD DUSTIN BYFUGLIEN! NEVER FORGET!
5. BASIC BIRDS
TURF: Lincoln Park. Old Towne. Lakeview.
ATTIRE: Kane/Sharp sweater. Leggings. Boots. Cutoff Levi’s. Backwards snapback cap.
BIO: Selfies with a beer in hand to prove she watches sports for her Tinder profile. Multiple filtered snapchats of everything going on but the game. Spends two periods asking annoyed boyfriend “what just happened?” Enjoys referring to a group of grown ass millionaires as “boys”.
4.THE DINOSAURS
TURF: Beverly. Tinley Park. Naperville. Skokie. Aurora.
ATTIRE: Stan Mikita sweater. Eddie Olcyzk Sweater. Dad Jeans. Black and red New Balance.
BIO: He’ll shit all over you for drinking that newfangled craft beer. There’s a smug look always reserved for that table of Latin or Asian guys. Constantly asks other people if they know who "The Golden Jet" is (Bobby Hull-Racist, Wife-Beating, Alcoholic. Got It!) and secretly pines for the “good" days of cigarette smoke in stadiums, mustaches and 3 brawls a period.
3. PODUNK MAFIA
TURF: Downstate Illinois. Northwest Indiana. Milwaukee.
ATTIRE: Look at the picture, then just add some dumb tattoos and a Vape Pen. You get the point...
BIO: Stumbles into the city with a whole 60 bucks between him and his 3 friends (roams in packs). Tends to get pissed off after realizing Chicago drink prices are way more than whatever hell-hole they crawled out from. After being brushed off by a few girls who are way out of their league, spends the rest of the night roaming around until you see him in handcuffs on the way home.
2. HIP-HAWKS
TURF: Bucktown. Logan Square. East Pilsen.
ATTIRE: Mustache or Beard. Jeremy Roenick/Theo Fleury sweater with flannel. Chuck Taylor’s. Skinny Jeans. Chicago Flag tattoo.
BIO: Chicago’s hipster scene laughs at all you Blackhawks newcomers. They were fans long before that shit got trendy. We’re talking 2009 here, alright?!! Seriously though, these purveyors of bicycles, beer and vinyl need something until they finally make kickball a professional sport, so why not borrow one that encourages it’s athletes to go weeks without shaving?
1. ASSHOLES LIKE YOU!
TURF: CITY WIDE
ATTIRE: Any of the above.
BIO: Let’s be honest, Blackhawks fans are the scourge and envy of the Hockey Universe right now. We’re loud, we’re obnoxious, we talk a lot of shit and we’re entitled.
But you know what? That’s what happens when you win and win a lot. You could say the same for Patriots, Cardinals and Lakers fans.
In fact, I don’t think the team is disliked ENOUGH yet. That could all with a third cup for in six seasons
In fact, I don’t think the team is disliked ENOUGH yet. That could all with a third cup for in six seasons
-WST
