MONDAY
-You're an NBA player. It's summer. You're team isn't in the playoffs. You have some down time.
What do you do? Hit the club on Molly and offer some to fellow ballers of course!
I'm SHOCKED Swaggy P wasn't interested. I mean he's got Iggy Alazea, so maybe he figures he can have a good time in the club without taking his shirt off. D.A.R.E. should get ahold of this guy.
-As I said, it's summertime and you know America's favorite pass-catching bro is ready to start the party!
Gronk Summers>Aaron Hernandez Summers
Look at how excited Wayne Brady is. This is the most shine he's gotten since he made Dave Chappelle smoke crack.
TUESDAY
-Legendary Dolphins Quarterback Dan Marino withdrew a lawsuit filed Monday against the NFL over brain trauma suffered through his career.
Marino and his attorney say that they did not mean to sue in the first place and are still trying to figure out what happened...because brain trauma will do that to you.
-Swear I'm not picking on the Cubs but....
Marino and his attorney say that they did not mean to sue in the first place and are still trying to figure out what happened...because brain trauma will do that to you.
-Swear I'm not picking on the Cubs but....
They DO make it quite easy somedays don't they? I'm sure the organization would fire this guy but that's exactly how that team makes you feel so they'll let it slide.
WEDNESDAY
-The athleticism! The speed! The intensity! If the Cowboys are still looking for a linebacker, they should sign this dog up.
Unfortunately, he led with his head. So you know that meeting with commish Roger Goodell is looming.
My guess? A six-to-eight game suspension, A hefty fine and no treats with his dinner.
-Break time in the Reds cafeteria or...
A scene from next season's True Detective? Fuck they may need to bring ol' Rust and Marty back to solve this one.
THURSDAY
-Spurs wilt the Heat 110-95 in a sweat-soaked Game 1 of the NBA Finals. America rejoices (for one game anyway).
(Yes, I know it's too hot DAMMIT!)
But fuck ALLLLLL that shit right now because let's talk about....wait...let's stay right on this!
Leg cramps? Again?! The fuck man? Aren't you sponsored by Powerade? You may want to switch to the sports drink gawd Gatorade.
And don't you play and train in Miami? I mean it's hot there too, I know, I have family there.
Jokes aside, leg cramps are a serious bitch and on top of that, it was sweltering last night man!!!!
Look at Manu's face...if anyone feels your pain brother, I do!
I hate being too hot! I mean after the winter we just had here in Chicago, I welcome any kind of warmth at this point but when it gets humid and muggy, I'm a motherfucker to deal with.
Worst thing about it is I'm a sweat monster. Like I'll go through six shirts in a mile walk when it's too hot. I gotta wear a headband to the grocery store and shit.
Couple summers back, my A/C went out in the middle of a hot-ass night, woke up at two in the morning just to take a cold shower and cool off.
Speaking of A/C going off....AT&T Center what the hell? $186 million to build that bitch and you don't have a contingency plan? Fucking Texans, I tell ya. Everything is bigger...except their A/C apparently.
-You should always keep your on a swivel in baseball but...
You can't grow eyes in the back of them too.
FRIDAY
-Chargers QB Phillip Rivers likes to play softball in short shorts, high socks and a fake mullet...
Rivers has always kind of been an asshole, so it's good he finally got a look down to match his personality.
WEEKEND WATCH!
What you should be doing this weekend if you know, you’re not drunk or doing something better…
SEE EDGE OF TOMRROW!
A Sci-Fi Groundhog Day that could be cool if Tom Cruise wasn't it in. Be cautious and sit near an exit if you catch it.
WATCH THE NBA FINALS!
Game 2 on Sunday. Keep fucking with that A/C and see what happens San Antonio. I told you I hate being hot!
WATCH THE BELMONT STAKES!
California Chrome may sound like a new strand you weed man keeps pressuring you to buy but this Colt is one win away from the first Triple Crown in 36 years.
A Sci-Fi Groundhog Day that could be cool if Tom Cruise wasn't it in. Be cautious and sit near an exit if you catch it.
WATCH THE NBA FINALS!
Game 2 on Sunday. Keep fucking with that A/C and see what happens San Antonio. I told you I hate being hot!
WATCH THE BELMONT STAKES!
FRIDAY SHOUT-OUT!
Recognizing whomever the hell I want!
Shout-Out to Don Zimmer!
Zimmer passed away Wedenesday at the age of 83.
Zimmer spent 66 years in Major League Baseball as a player, coach and manager, most notably leading the Padres, Red Sox, Rangers and Cubs (with whom he was named National League manager of the year in 1989).
He's also had the balls to run up on a guy more than half his age in brawl and it didn't go too well...
R.I.P. Zim
Take one final look at your week...and we're out! Every good hero should have some theme music.
-WST
